The Bad Boy Cares? | Completed √

No more secrets

(trigger warning).

I've wished for the stigma to end around mental health issues for a long time now. Until today, I didn't realize that I could participate in this myself. So I'm gonna be honest. For the first time.

I have bulimia and an anxiety disorder. Both of them are part of the reason I stopped updating regularly when this book was still ongoing.

I barely talk about it with anyone and the little people to who I talked about it, either left or are unbothered by it. And it fucking hurts. I'm going to bear my soul in this, because maybe, just maybe, I will help somebody with it.

There's not one moment I remember after I turned 11 when I didn't care about my body and where I didn't think I was fat. I'm 18 now and looking back on eleven year old me, I was not fat. Not at all. And even if I was, it's not important enough to let my self worth be decided by it. If only I knew back then and if only I knew now.

I've been bullied and I've been hurt. The bully who bullied me when I was 9, still bullies me to this day, 9 years later. I've had multiple bullies in my life, every single one of them has hurt me, a lot. But the saddest part is that I disliked them so much, while the biggest bully is me. The thoughts and words I say to myself in my head, the loneliness, the feeling of not being good enough, the feeling of being worthless, the feeling of getting up and being so happy with it, but knowing you'll fall back down. And when you do fall down, it's like it was all for nothing. It's like you just want to die and everything would be better. You wouldn't be this disgusting person who can't control her behavior and just rants on and on, probably being the most annoying person in the world. Who would even like you? The person you have a tiny bit of a crush on, definitely wouldn't because they're kinda dating someone else. You think you're worthless, no one would like you, you're too disgusting, you're never going to be good enough, you're too fat, you're not attractive enough, your face is so ugly it hurts to look at. You think you will have to settle for the first person who treats you kinda okay kinda not. But you don't. And if only you knew. If only you knew.

It took me closets full of big sweaters and jeans to realize I don't have to be ashamed of wearing shorts and a cute shirt. It took me years of walking, climbing, studying, you name it, to realize I don't have to wear big sweaters and long jeans in 35 C/95 F. It took me a lot of food I ate and a lot of food I compensated in different ways. It took me energy I lacked when wasn't eating anything for days. It took me anxiety attacks and so many tears. And it still does. I'm not better yet and I don't know when I will be. It took me multiple hands of pills and sickness the next day to realize if god wanted me dead, I would have been dead by now.

Right now, while I'm writing this, I feel so fucking worthless, lonely, pathetic and disgusting. I don't know what to do about it anymore. Nobody has the answers for me, but me. And I don't know how to get them, because I tried so much already.

But I'll get through it. And so will you. Because you're not the only one who suffers. I suffered in silence a lot, and I made a lot of mistakes. But that doesn't mean I won't get through it. Sometimes it takes years and sometimes it takes even longer. Sometimes it takes blood, sweat and tears. And sometimes it takes falling down again and again. But that's okay, because as long as you keep getting up, you'll be fine. You're going to be fine.

I almost ended this message with self destructive words, like how no one will read this anyway. But I won't, because it doesn't matter who reads it and who doesn't, because it helped me and it's going to help someone else. Someone who suffers just as much as the rest of us.

If you ever want to talk to someone; I'm here.

And remember: you are going to be okay and you are not alone.

I really hope this helps someone, because it would have helped me if I knew I wasn't the only one experiencing this or mental health issues a few years back.

Take care.

Love, Dani :) ♥️