My Protector

Chapter 34

"Thank you, I'll talk to you in a few days." I murmur softly, rubbing my face as I hang up with a heavy sigh. This is more of a nightmare than I imagined. I'll be frank, I don't really know what I was expecting to begin with, but it wasn't this. Bear was helpful, then he talked to me alone. Which terrified me. I hate how logical he sounded, how sure and confident he was. I hate all of this! Bear talked to me, let me air things out and my worries. What sucks is he took it to heart, he wants to handle this just as bad as Axel. At least Bear knows more about the MC's.

Bear has intimate knowledge of the MC's having been watching the groups for a few years now. He is following the same logic as the Agents and Detective Rhines. This is terribly daunting. For the past few days, I've been stuck between a rock in a hard place. Trust Axel fully with my protection, allow him to risk his life and others for me? Or take the risk, give them the needed evidence to get them. Death or prison? Not a choice I ever thought I'd be making; its horrible being judge, jury, and executioner. That's what it boils down to.

Am I protecting Axel or backstabbing? I'm doing this for his own safety. My resolve shakes, I am doing this to protect him, he'll understand. Right? I stare at the blank computer screen in front of me, stomach churning as I debate silently. Is going behind his back to work with the Agents bad? Nothing makes sense, I want to do what's best, but I don't know what that is anymore! Tears quickly form in my eyes as I grip my hair, frustrated with my thoughts. My mind says go with the Agent's plan, let them capture you, give them cause to cover Axel and the others for whatever happens.

But my heart says trust Axel fully, let him handle it. Hide like a coward behind him. A pitiful whine leaves my lips as I struggle to control my thoughts. What to do? A warm nose touches my elbow, a low whine leaving their lips, and I look down to meet Lily's concerned eyes. I wipe my eyes before resting a hand on her head, tired of everything. I want to be strong and do what's right. The worst part is, it's going to suck either way. While following Axel's plan might work, I worry it's going to lead to him asking me to go undercover. I don't want to make him feel guilty about that.

This is all turning into an explosive and painful catch twenty-two, nothing feels like the right answer. Someone is bound to get hurt. Which is likely to have fewer casualties? The answer has yet to be clear to me. It continues to evade me, staying out of reach, sometimes grazing my finger tips in a teasing caress. I hate this! No one said that life was going to be easy, but I doubt many people have ever faced a decision as drastic as this. I don't want Axel to be hurt, if he doesn't have the Agent's protection, he'll be arrested for life if this ever gets back to him.

My head rests on the cool top of my desk as I stare at Lily's comforting face; she nuzzles my hand again, leaning against my leg. "I don't know what to do anymore." At this point, talking to her is the least crazy thing going on. Talking to animals always helped me. Lily rests her head on my lap, staring up at me with her sweet chocolate brown eyes. I attempt a smile, although I'm sure it looks more like a grimace, if her whine is any indicator. "I can't decide." I whisper and look away, feeling tears gather in my eyes.

"Will Axel understand? Do you think he'll be mad if I follow Bear's advice and listen to the Agents?" I ask softly, to no surprise, I'm met with silence; the question aloud sounds stupid. Honesty is the best policy. Axel doesn't want me involved at all, he doesn't want me to get hurt. But getting hurt is a part of getting stronger. I need to fight my demons, I want them gone, banished from my life, even if it means death. Theirs or mine. My head falls to my hand as I rub at my temples, a migraine stabs painfully into my scalp.

"Is it bad that I want to protect him? He'll understand that I just wanted what's best for him. He doesn't need to be hurt, or arrested because of this mess." I bite my lip angrily. Why is this so hard! Bear makes valid points, it'll protect the club and Axel, help build the club's reputation while letting me face my demons and grow. Why does love have to hurt so much? The thought makes me freeze, my heart stuttering to a harsh halt. Is that why this is so hard? The chair creaks obnoxiously as I come to a startling revelation.