The Villainess Will Not Bring Dishonor To Her Family

160 - Behind The Curtains - Part 1

Lionel's Point of View

As we approach home, I feel the anxiety begin to build at the thought of returning home... and to talk with mother, Reynold and Bertram about what happened.

Even after Lily brought calm to my mind of my decision about Alstair, this is... different. It is not a matter of the good of the kingdom, and cannot be excused as such.

But every word and phrase I can come up with to tell them of father's death, seems so insincere when I try to express them, that I feel as though even I would distrust myself.

I grip the reins tighter with clammy hands, and try to control my quivering breath.

Every time I go through the conversation on my own I end back up at the same spot every single time: 'why did I not stay by him and save him?'

Was I so far gone?

...had I stayed, then Alstair would have gotten away, but was it really worth the price?

These waves of regret wash over me once again. Lily said it was something I had to decide for myself, but we are not solitary animals. The feelings of the people closest to us matter as well... and in some ways more than our own.

That is exactly why I asked Lily. I know no one else so stubborn on the matter of what she considers right or wrong...

I... I had hoped for a clear answer from her. Foolishly begged her for the answers to soothe the pain and anxiety, but she left me with half an answer and told me to find the answer on my own.

While she's... right... those were also partly the words I wanted to hear the least.

I look up at the final gate of Castle Tepet as we ride through it.

What can I even say?

'Father died a hero'? Can I say that truthfully?

'Father died a fool. I am sorry I couldn't convince him'? While true, the coldness of the words make my chest knot up painfully.

Father was a fool.

I clench the reins tightly and grit my teeth. He was always such a fool when it came to women or to the crown... yet always so blasted brilliant on the battlefield.

Why...?

Why could he spot an ambush a mile away, but never the sweet manipulation of a woman, as she puts poison in our drinks?

A sudden overwhelming nausea hits me, making my throat and stomach knot up like entangled chains. If I could just... hate him... if I could forget the warm smiles as we went fishing last fall, or his vividly done tales whenever he read aloud fables. If I could just forget way he'd made us laugh til our stomachs were in knots or... the many hours we'd spent by his side training, working... laughing.

Why... had I abandoned a person like that to kill someone? He... he was an idiot, but... but even so...

There's... no way I can justify my actions.

We enter the main courtyard... surrounded by soldiers and knights standing at ready. Staring. Had it been an ambush we would be in a lot of trouble, but on top of the stairs to the entrance stands mother's tall and elegant figure. Proud and beautiful, far from the pallid, emaciated and emotionally wrecked state she had been in nine years ago where she couldn't even get out of bed. Reynold and Bertram stand next to her, both still barely at the end of their growth spurt. They can just barely fill out the armor given to them.