the idols race for love, are you ready? | book one | utapri

chapter fifty-two

ａｎｎｉｖｅｒｓａｒｙ

『 your p.o.v 』

          A cool breeze blew by as I sat on a bench near the very back of the school, an area rarely anyone ever comes over to what with it being the very middle of December now. The snow for the last couple of days has calmed down, though the temperature hasn't risen enough for it to truly melt so a few ice patches along with snow covering all of the grass and the tops to most of the trees surrounding this area remain even with the sky being mostly clear this late afternoon.

          I went to class this morning and managed to sit through it without getting too caught up in my thoughts. It probably helps that I stayed up late composing most of Otoya's song last night so that I'd be half awake when Ryuuya walked in for today's lesson. Kept me from thinking too much and instead I has to focus really hard on just not falling back asleep. But, as what normally happens when this day comes around, I find myself falling into a meloncholy mood.

          With a puff of white smoke flittering up into the air with my heavy sigh, I hugged Reiji's jacket a little tighter around myself. It's cold today and it doesn't help that the trees around me are thick enough to cover much of the sunlight that's pouring down through the large gaps between the clouds. Everything is cold; my feet, my legs, my arms, my hands, even my nose! All chilled to the bone and yet I can't bring myself to get up and head on inside.

          I just want to mope around for a little while.

          It's not often I think about my mother- no, not Mrs. Kotobuki but rather my biological mother. Really, she rarely crosses my mind nowadays since I'm just so busy with everything going on around me. Honestly, if I really took a good look at myself, it would be easy to see the fact that I'm just running from ever thinking too long about her. It hurts to try and remember the way she looked, sounded, the way she always knew what to do and say to make any bad day turn into a magical one. It hurts and so I try to not think about her for too long when she does cross my mind.

          Otoya says he does the same with his mother and aunt. He can remember them a little bit if he tries, but he doesn't go actively trying to remember them since just like it hurts for me, it hurts for him too. We used to tell each other that the past can't be changed and so remembering them now and being sad won't do us any good. If we can't smile at the happy times without focusing on the sad times, then there's no point in trying to remember at all if the happy times will eventually just get overshadowed by all the sadness that surrounds our childhoods. We try to focus on the happy memories as much as possible. It's how we learned to deal with our trauma I guess.

          Today though, today is different from every other day. I allow myself one day a year, a singular day to spend a little bit of time remembering my mother as much as I can; the good and the bad for everything she was made her her.

          There's not many things for me to remember her by what with so many years passing since then. It's hard to remember her appearance, very nearly impossible to remember her voice now, and really, most of the times we spent together have disappeared from my memories too and so now I can only remember snippets here and there of conversations, outings, and everything in between. The human brain is truly something remarkable and finicky. Memories come and go just like that and I guess it's just a part of life I'll never truly get used to.

          "There you are little lamb." A familiar voice said from behind the bench I'm sitting on.

          I shook my head some to try and clear my thoughts before glancing over my shoulder and offering the orangette a small smile. "Ren, I wasn't expecting for anyone to come out here- especially not you. It's freezing. You should head back inside."