Roommates

Chapter 30

Cara's P.O.V.

Honestly, I wanted to run away and hide. I wanted to be a recluse again. I could just shut everything and everyone out. I didn't have to feel anything, but it was too late for me. I  have somehow stumbled and fallen into the hole of love. I could not get out. I was scared, frustrated and angry. When did everything become so complicated?

My mind was preoccupied with Hannah. I swear that my hair was going to turn grey because of how much I was thinking about her, about us.  People say to not go to bed angry, but if I didn't get any rest then I would be one grumpy person. Yes, I was upset that my sister tried to put a wedge between Hannah and I. Yes, I was upset that Hannah had second thoughts about our relationship. Yes, I was upset that Hannah's evil ex was still trying to take her from me. It burned me up with anger if Hannah would ever go back into that awful relationship. I was a ball of emotions although it was probably about eighty percent anger.

I turned on my side and saw that Hannah was awake.

"Can't sleep?" Hannah asked softly. She turned on her side to face me.

"Yeah," I sighed. I was so tensed and restless and those things just elevated my emotions.

We're just staring at each other in silence. Even though we were so close, it still felt like there was an invisible wall that separated us. We were still reluctant to cross over.

So much has changed for me. I was so used to being stuck in my own little universe, so used to having things go my way. I didn't have to worry about things not going in order. I was the writer of my own story and I knew what to expect. Now with all these new characters and emotions coming in, I was at a lost.

I was used to pushing people away, so used to a life of solitude. I craved for days where I didn't have to interact with any human being. If someone told me that I was going to fall for a blond and blue-eyed model, I would have killed them with sarcasm. Then it happened.  I got waylaid by someone who was everything I envied and I fell for her. I never expected myself to fall in love. I felt so dumbstruck by it.

Our relationship was exciting and happy at first, but now it felt like we were in a standstill. I wanted love to be easy. I wanted to have that moment where everything would click for me. The moment where I suddenly understood how to be in a relationship. It still has not happened yet. It was frustrating because I felt useless. I felt like I couldn't control my life. There were too many outside forces.

If I didn't kiss Hannah that night then we wouldn't have been in this mess. We could have just coexisted as regular roommates. Everything could have been avoided if I ignored those feelings. I should have distanced myself. Hannah deserved to be with someone normal. Someone who didn't have to worry about their family. Someone who knew how to act like a normal human being. I should have locked away my emotions. Maybe it would have been better for her.

When I looked at Hannah, I didn't see what everyone else saw. I didn't see the beautiful, stereotypical all American girl. I saw the person who took the time to understand me, the person that stuck with me even though I tried to avoid her. I tried so hard to make sure that I didn't have to be in the same room as her that I have injured myself multiple times.

All the finess in the world could not help me escape my feeling for her. I couldn't imagine wanting anyone else as much as her. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else but her. Hannah was not someone I wished for, but she became the person I needed.

When I looked into Hannah'es eyes all I saw were pools of sadness and uncertainty staring back at me. I wanted to erase it. I crossed that imaginary threshold and I kissed her just like the night we had our first kiss. This time there was no surprise from Hannah.