Borderline

Ten

   I sat in front of Dr.Peters with a bold smile on my face. I felt proud of myself, I had taken down the unit's biggest bitch. I watched as the ambulance drive her away. He kept asking me why I did what I did and finally I was ready to dish it all out of him. If I had to be the one the set the record straight, then I would be glad to. "Why'd you do it, Margo?" I looked up at him and burst into laughter. "Margo, why are you laughing? This is a serious matter." He probably thought I was psychotic. 

   "Look," I finally said, "Juniper was toxic to everyone on the unit, even her own friends. She made a comment about me so I decided to take matters into my own hands."

   "You should have gone to the staff." 

    "And they would say what? 'ignore it' or something stupid, no fucking way."

   "You'll watch your language in my office." I rolled my eyes at him. "Do you want all your privileges taken, including a single room?" I leaned forward.

   "Not exactly..." I mumbled.

   "Then watch yourself," Dr. Peters said. "Why didn't you tell me?"

   "What would you have done?" I crossed my arms and leaned back in my chair.

   "I could have moved her to a different unit."

   "Then she would torture the people there."

   "We could have had a treatment team meeting about her behavior, threatening her stay."

   "You mean kicking her out, right?"

   "Yes."

   "Perfect! Let's do that! Let's kick her out!" I threw my hands in the air in excitement. Dr.Peters sighed.

   "You have no say in this Margo, you don't work here." He gave me an annoyed look. I crossed my arms and signed loudly.

   "She needs to be moved somewhere else then, at least. You can talk to everyone in the unit. They're fed up. They're tired of being treated like garbage every time Juniper appears. You have to do something and if you don't I'm calling my parents and getting them involved. They're paying a lot of money for me to be getting top of the line treatment. If I wanted to be bullied I'd just go back to public high school." I stood up and pushed my chair out the way. "Do something, you're in charge. Show it." I turned towards the door.

   "Margo, I didn't say we were done."

   "I know, but I've decided we are." And I walked out of the door.

...

   Later on, it was time for a group. I filed into the room with the other patients and took a seat on one of the couches. Sophia sat on my left and Blake sat on my right. Before the group started we had a small conversation.

   "So is she leaving?" Blake asked eagerly. 

   "Oh, she has to be after she and Margo got into a fight. I heard a tech say her arm was broken." Sophia turned to me, "They can't put the two of you on the same unit again, that's like a risk or something."

   "Look, I don't know," I said, "I talked to Dr.Peters and I didn't really get much out of him. I shared my side of things so hopefully, that'll be enough to make a difference."

   "Juniper has a habit of playing the victim." Liam piped up from next to Sophia. "This isn't her first fight and for some reason, the other person is always at fault. Be careful."  Before any of us had a chance to respond a male walked in and sat with us in the circle.

   "Hello everyone, my name is Elliot and I am one of the social workers here at Lake Oak. I work on Cypress Unit and Willow Unit sometimes, so today you guys have me for your group. Let's dive into the group by going around the circle and telling me your name and how you're feeling." Voices perked up and went around the circle.

   "Abigail, Calm."

   "Harper, Anxious."

   "Talula, Happy."

   "Sophia, unsettled." Then it was my turn.

   "Margo, annoyed." Then I was done.

   "Blake, Calm."

   "Liam, Anxious." After Liam, a few more patients went and we ended up back at Elliot who said he was feeling calm.

   "Today I was thinking we could talk about self-harm." I shifted in my seat nervously. I tugged at my sleeves making sure to hide my bandages. Elliot stood up and walked over to the whiteboard. He turned to us with a dry erase marker in his hand. "Now when we think of self-harm what's the first thing people usually think of?" Nearly the entire room said cutting. "Exactly, cutting, but there are any other forms of self-harm that you can think of?"

   "Burning."

   "Headbanging."

   "Not eating enough, or eating too much."

   "Doing drugs."

   "Not sleeping." 

   This went on for a few minutes, people blurting out different forms of self-harm but I stayed quiet the entire time. After Elliot was satisfied with the number of answers he decided to talk about each form individually. The first form, cutting. He started talking but my head was somewhere else. I could hear his words but they weren't processing. I could feel my heart racing and the sweat dripping down my face. Then I realized everyone was staring at me and my panic became more severe. Why was everyone looking at me? I noticed Elliot walking my way and leaning down in front of me. I was confused. Was it that obvious that I was panicking. Then I realized what was going on, I was screaming. Full, 100 percent, blood-curdling,  horror movie screams. Sophia and Blake both jumped off the couch and stood there watching me. Elliot stood up and had his hands on my shoulders. I could see his mouth moving but I couldn't hear the words coming out. Then I stopped.

   "Margo, what's going on? Are you okay? Do we need to step out?" Elliot was shooting out questions. I got myself out of his grip and left the group room with tears in my eyes and hyperventilating. I walked past the techs calling out my name. I could hear them stand up and start to follow me. I started running towards my room. I got inside and slammed the door shut and let out another scream. I pushed my dresser in front of my door. I walked into my bathroom and locked it then punched the mirror. I pulled my bloody hand away and slumped against the wall and fell to the floor sobbing. Another scream left my lips.

   "I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay." I kept mumbling under my breath. Finally, I heard a loud thud and knew it was my dresser falling onto the ground. I heard keys jingling to open my bathroom. I walked into the shower and turned the water on and sat inside fully clothed. The bathroom door opened, the shower curtain was pulled back. I looked into the eyes of the techs and Elliot and just continued to sob.