Diary scars (unofficially 'will you be my diary?' )

chapter 3

I sat in my room in tears, the memories of that night and all the others came flooding back. I was currently curled in my tear soaked blankets on the ground by the window. I watched as sky changed colour from the sunny blue to the dark shade of night. Tissues littered my floor. I got off my but to go to my bathroom. I walked inside and closed the door and peeled off my bandages on my shoulder that Daniel had touched. I saw the blood stained around the area of the wound. I remember how I got this one, just as my father had made sure. One of his broken beer bottles that he had smashed on my mother and then stabbed me in my shoulder with a big grin as I screamed. I was so sick of always hiding the scars of my dad from the world, mostly school.

I got the swabs out and tried as gently as possible to clean it, I screeched in pain, it hurt like a bitch, just like my father's betrayal. I re-bandaged it and moved onto another scar, this one more visible, my face. I got the disinfectant and gently rubbed my scar down with it. It burned like the hottest fires of hell, a place where my dad would surely be going.

There was a knock on the door. I ignored it and carried on cleaning my face. There was another knock.

"Kimmy, you in here?" I heard someone ask. I kept quiet. I moved to throw the wipe away. I heard my room door open.

"Kimmy, are you here?" I heard Alle's voice through the bathroom door. I just ignored her until she opened the bathroom door. She looked around until her eyes fell on me. She saw what I was doing. I always cleaned my wounds in private, that way no one I lived with felt bad or responsible for them. I could see Alle traced over my bruises and cuts with her tear filled eyes.

"I'm so sorry Kimmy, about everything. I should have been there to stop it." she sobbed out. I walked over to her and wrapped my arms around her shoulders and pulled her in for a hug.

"This is why I clean my wounds in private. Because that way I don't have to watch you guilt yourself for something that happened to me and was out of your control." I whispered in her ear. I could see the small up tilt of her lips. Then heard the laugh that sounded strangled by her sobs.

"Are you okay Kimmy?" she asked. I looked down at her.

"Why wouldn't I be? It's not like my dad was here to beat me to hell." I said. I saw her eyes gleam even more over with tears than I thought possible.

"Well, it's just that you ran from sport like you had seen a ghost." she commented.

"No, it's just a cocky little basketball player saw my scar and the memory of the scissor slicing my face came flooding back and I had to leave or I'd burst into tears." I said softly. I nestled my chin in the crook of her neck, comfort, just for a little while it lasted.

"Daniel?" she asked as she pulled back to look at me. I nodded. I saw her small smile.

"Daniel's nice, you can trust him, at least to what I know." she said. I raised a brow.

"You think I should trust him? I only just met him." I said in disbelief. She shrugged.

"It's up to you, it happened to you, not me. So I can't decide for yourself." she said. I just shook my head.

"No one needs to know about my past. No one." I said. She nodded. I let go of the hug and turned back to the mirror to start cleaning my next wound. Alle's eyes were pinned on the small scar on my shoulder blade. I turned back to Alle and escorted her to my bed to sit while I cleaned my wounds, she complied, but I could still see the guilty look in her eyes.

"Hey Kimmy, you don't have to answer this, but-- how did you get that scar on your shoulder blade?" she asked. I debated myself between telling her an not telling her.

"My father gave it to me a few months ago, he branded my flesh with the fire place poker that was glowing red-- I hope that son of a bitch dies a painful death in prison." I said. I reached around my back to clean the burn, I hissed through my clenched teeth.

After the torturous time of me cleaning my wounds and Alle crying on my bed while she watched, I walked over to my bed and plonked down forgetting about my scars, I grunted. Alle crawled up beside me and curled into a ball. Together we lay next to each other as she let her tears free.

"Yeah, me too." Alle choked out. She was always the more emotional one in the family. Ever since Perri died, I haven't felt the same, and then when my mum died, my emotions basically half disappeared.

My phone buzzed on my nightstand. I rolled towards it and picked it up. I saw a text from an unknown number. 09 153 496 278

Hey Kimarrah, I'm sorry about earlier, I shouldn't have pressed you like that, I know what it's like to want space and I'm sorry for pressing, please forgive me, I hope we can be friends - Danny

Is it weird that I wanted to slap him so hard that he saw sense. He and I would never be friends, I don't befriend cocky jerks that think an apology is enough to forgive such a demanding situation. So I decided to answer him.

Hi Daniel, it's nice to know that somewhere deep down you're not a complete and utterly cocky jerk. But considering I'm not very social, I don't think we can be friends - Kimarrah

I waited for his reply, I was scared that he'd lash me with insults like most people like him did when they were bad mouthed, and right now, I wasn't sure why I cared. I should be used to it by now.

That's okay, It's just I thought you might want a friend who knows how you feel, you may not want to be my friend, but I'm not giving up on you - Danny

I felt almost happy that he didn't want to give up on me, but that also meant that he would be digging for answers, and that I would not allow.

September 19th 2019

Today after cleaning my scars, Alle and I layed together talking about random things, anything to get our mind off of my father. We talked about school and the homework and assessments coming up, she talked about her day at school, which was nice.

Then out of the blue my phone buzzed with a text. Daniel, I don't know how he got my number, but he still said he would be my friend and not give up on me, even though I distinctly said that he should leave me alone. I was kinda happy that he wouldn't give up on me, it made me feel worth while, more so than I've felt in a long time. Ever since I lost my older sister dad had been a abusive alcoholic, and now he was behind bars, for good, lets hope he stays that way. I was still confused how Daniel said he knew what I was going through, and that he too, was going through the same thing, Ha ha, I highly doubted it. He's probably never been through anything in his life.

He was one of those boys that got what they wanted through good looks that the girls craved. He was like the new best candy in the lolly shop and the stupid girls were the most frequent customers and he was bought by all.

Why did he think he had been through tough shit, the most he's been through is most probably having a bad hair day.. And that didn't count.

Daniel is so self absorbed, like seriously, he's so good at annoying that most of this diary entry is about him. It's times like these that I wish I could run away and start a new life, create a new identity and live a life without having to think about my scars, without having to think about that sperm-donor and without having to be so cautious that someone will hurt me again. Sometimes I wish I was never born that way I would never have had to experience everything that I did. I know how selfish I sound, selfish towards my mum because if I were never born, my mum would have suffered through the abuse alone. My sister would have been the one in my position. But otherwise, I wish I had never been born, or at least born into a different family.

- Forever talking my life onto this paper, love you so much diary, Kimarrah xoxo