envy | tommy shelby imagines

[9] my admirably appointed antidote

"Abashed the devil stood and felt how awful goodness is and saw Virtue in her shape how lovely: and pined his loss"
- Paradise Lost // John Milton.

For this chapter, Listen to "You made me love you, (i didn't want to do it)" covered by Patsy Cline.

YOUR POV

First Verse

I stood appointed against the sink, in the cramped kitchen the Shelby family shared, and I looked at the mess of hair in front of me, the hair that was both unorganised but also in order, the world's greatest juxtaposition standing before me.

Thomas Michael Shelby, he embodies so much irony within him, I'm still trying to understand all that he is, and I am willing to go on the journey every day of my life, the excitement just thinking about it makes me feel like a giddy child again, as if looking at him was like making daisy chains in the fields he and I snuck into in broad daylight; so unafraid to live, to dream.. to love.

A small smile crawls it's way to my lips, scaling mountains to be there, so I let it sit, basking in the glory that it achieved its goal.

He looks into my eyes, with a wink and a smile that made half of his face light up like fireflies, and the other half envious, shaking my head I smile wider, he was infectious in every possible way, his presence festers as if I were ridden with it, like a common cold.
Only difference is, my Tommy was so rare, he was unique, unable to be cheaply replicated, making me honoured to be in his presence every single day.

🎼
You made me love you
I didn't want to do it
I didn't want to do it
You made me want you
And all the time you knew it
I guess you always knew it
🎼

Second Verse
×Flashback×

As we walked around the town, in which was blanketed in all physical and metaphorical grey's, Tommy and I bounced with each other, every ounce of blood in my veins drained from me in the name of each form of love I was capable of at 16.

I look over at his fair, chiseled face and found a solace I could never find elsewhere. Wherever he was, I was home.
The grin that carved it's way onto my features only left when we reached my front door, the time going far too fast for me to be done, i wanted to bathe in all of him, soak him into my every pore, so he would forever stay, but with a dimpled smile accompanied with the tossling of the strands of hair upon my head, he walked away, every step further from me he took, the colder i became.

🎼
You made me happy sometimes,
You made me glad.
But there were times,
You made me feel so bad.
🎼

×End of Flashback×

As I sighed away the heartache I felt that day, I blow the strands of hair away from my face, reminding me even more of that cherished memory, the day I knew I was inescapably in love with the friend I've always known,

I could hear nothing, all I could hear was the sweet music that always played around him, as if he were my personal gramophone.

My eyes travel to his chest, where it violently shakes up and down, then trek their way back to the masterpiece of his face, where a smile spread like butter on toast across it; as I look on, I can feel the glistening of my eyes, tears threatening to fall, as I can never feel this way with another, he is the very foundation of me, supporting me, if he were to leave, I would collapse like worn bricks or rotting wood, slamming onto the ground like the paperwork forgotten on his desk.

Third Verse
×Flashback×

The year was now 1918, Tommy had left me for war 4 years ago, never has 4 years ever felt so long. My worries never seized, forever plagued with the image of his casket coming home on that train instead of his joy, and the flag resting upon his wooden chest instead of my head on his beating one.
12th November 1918,
This is the day the train pulls in, all so I could pull him in closer, all the rivers and seas I have cried over him are dry, kept at bay with the dams I have built with the courage to tell him how deeply I have fallen into his oceans of eyes.
As he steps off of the train, my heart running laps in the confines of my ribcage, my hands drowning in tides of sweat, but a soul smiling at me, knowing what it is we'll do today.
His arms break, only to find themselves together again, but this time, with me inside them, his nose nestled near my scalp and mine near his heart, with a sigh I ready myself, not before I listen to the sharp words leave his joyful lips.
"I'm so lucky to be able to hug my best friend again, fuck, I've missed you, I've missed not being able to ask for girl advice, but we have a lot of that to catch up on" he adds with a wink, "I met a lass, God, she got me through-" after the unfinished sentence filled my ears, it turned to silence, my heart no longer running, it felt more like a relay with it broken in two, my hands fell flat, the sweat sinking back into me, as I try to forget what it was I set out to do, but rather just listen.
I could listen to him all day, regardless of what he says, just enamoured by the movements his lips make.

🎼
You made me cry for

I didn't want to tell you
I didn't want to tell you
I want some love that's true
Yes, I do, 'deed I do
You know I do
🎼

×End of Flashback×

Arthur now stands in the room, his arms flailing about like a scarf in the wind, as he explains to Tommy his latest conquest of violence, finding solace in his younger brother, his rock.. no no, the boulder that keeps him grounded, afraid he would float off into the night without it.

I watch as Arthur's eyes fill with admiration for his brother, just wishing he could be him instead, but as I said, Tommy cannot be replicated.
Little Karl runs in next, heavy feet slapping the floorboards with every step, and stocky arms wide. With him now on his knees, arms as wide as in 1918, he scoops him up effortlessly.

He makes my love grow every single day, with things that are unexplainable to anyone, but things that make him Thomas.

Fourth Verse

Oh how I crave his lips being intertwined with mine, our mouths forever glued.
We would sing, our lips would create songs that would make orchestras weep when playing. We would compose sorrowful music, bursting with love with every note and pause.

He looks at me with a look of acknowledgement, he understands my feelings towards him.
I realise now I missed my chance to create ballads with him, as when he loved me, my love was misplaced in somebody for whom I barely recollect, but Tommy remembers vividly.

But, you see, his kisses are laced with heroin, they make you crave every last movement until the clock of life stops ticking. They puncture skin deeper than any bullet, I am haunted by the feeling of fleeting kisses, but rather than exorcise it, I open the door and try to let them in, tell them they are welcome, but they never came back.

🎼
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme what I cry for
You know you've got the brand of kisses
That I'd die for
You know you made me love you
🎼

My Tommy will forever remain just that, the walking contradiction that he is, will forever remain carved into my heart like initials of young lovers in old tree trunks.

Y/F/I.Y/L/I + T.S

There, he will never change; just as my heart will never dissipate.

Hey guysssssss,
So I know this is the first chapter update in a while, I hope you guys like it, the original song is by Al Jolson, it's a song from 1913,

I thought it may be good for it to be contextually relevant, I'm not the proudest of this one, but let me know what you guys think☆