Fallingforyou // Matty Healy

Paint Your Thoughts

A knock on my door is what woke me this morning, surprisingly not the cat for once. I check the time and notice it's 7am, quite early for me to be awake after I'd stayed up until 2am working.

I get up from my bed reluctantly and walk to the door, opening it to find no one there. I lean out of the door and check down the hall but still no one until my eyes found a small parcel on the floor along with a box of paint supplies.

Bending down, I inspect the box before picking it up and carrying it into my flat and placing it on the coffee table. I grab a pair of scissors from the kitchen and sit cross legged on the sofa before opening it.

A note is neatly placed on top of a box of paint. I open it:

Bea,
I wanted you to be the first person (other than the boys) to hear the album. After all you were its muse, my muse.

Please don't be too mad at me, I've already beaten myself up enough the last few months. I know you well enough to know that some of the songs on this album will hurt you, will make you angry but I didn't know how else to get my feelings out.

I hope you're looking after yourself, hypocritical I know but you chain-smoke when it gets really bad and I care more about you than myself.

Life is hard without you, I have never known a life without you and it's proving to be hard but I was selfish and you deserve peace of mind.

The album title is "I Like It When You Sleep For You Are So Beautiful, Yet So Unaware Of It." It's about you, a poem I once wrote whilst you were sound asleep and my head was racing a thousand times over.

Sorry this was so long. Sorry I mistreated you. I don't even know myself anymore.

Yours Sincerely,
Marty x

PS: Paint your thoughts. Let them be free, don't bottle them up. Create masterpieces, you were always good at that. Whenever you are stressed you paint, so I bought you some new stuff.

Tears trickle down my face as I finish reading the letter, I put it aside and reach for the cd. Walking across my living room to the cd player before pressing play and sitting back on the couch.

Pluto, my black cat came and settled on my knee, purring whilst I ran my fingers through her fur as I waited in anticipation.

Matty's voice came through the speakers with a choir in the background, the idea Adam had pitched last year sounding amazing.

I danced to the first two songs, liking the feel of them when the third came. I wasn't a narcissist at all but I knew this was about me.

I'll quote on the road like a twat
And wind my way out of the city
Finding a girl who is equally pretty
Won't be hard oh, I just had a change of heart

His words struck me, I shake my head and try not to dwell on it too much. The rest of the album went, love songs and sad songs. He had poured his heart and soul into this album.

I needed to let my emotions out so I pick up my cat and go to my painting corner and set out all the new things Matty had sent for me.

The album was on loop, letting itself play when Lost My Head came on. My eyes drift to the painting I had done last year when he'd asked what it was, I let myself cry.

I let myself cry because I was lost and I really was alone now. I had Suki but she was away in LA most of the time but the boys rarely had time to visit me now since they were so busy.

Independence was something I've always been good at, I can look after myself but having someone my whole life and then not having them was proving to be hard. It was like ripping out a kidney, I could function with one but ideally I needed the other.

The rest of the day I spent torturing myself listening to the album, canvas after canvas were placed aside to dry. I just wanted happiness again.

Matty and I would somehow cross paths again with each other someday. He hurt me but he wasn't himself and I needed to heal from it all.