Hidden | Bucky Barnes

thirty

1 year later

Dear James,

God. I don't even know why I'm writing this stupid fucking letter. I suppose it's because Steve and Natasha convinced me. It's been a year since you've left us. Me and Harry. I miss you, so so much. I have some news, well, I suppose that we have some new, you just, don't know it yet.We have a daughter, Natalia Alison Barnes, I named her after my mother, and she's gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous and she looks just like you. She was born a few weeks ago. Apparently I have post-partum depression, so that's really fun with a new born and a one year old. God, how I wish you could be here to meet her and to hold her. To hold me. Harry's walking and talking, Believe it or not his first words were 'Natty' so I guess we've both been replaced... Tony and Pepper also had a daughter, Morgan Ellie Stark. I know, pretty cool. The three of them moved to a nice little house by the lake, they decided nobody wanted two screaming babies at the compound. Steve and Natasha are okay, they're kind of doing their own thing and they're helping with the kids. I don't know what else to write so, I miss you and I love you.

Love, your Ellie.

2 years later

Hi gorgeous,

It's me again, for some reason I decided to write this letter on my own accord. It's only really just hit me that you're never coming back to me, I don't know how to do it without you. Harry keeps saying 'Dada' and crying out for you. He misses you, they both do. Talia's ill at the moment so she's currently led on my bed, sweating out a fever, bless her little heart. I rang mum and she came over to help me out but I'm still terrified. I sat in the bath with her earlier to try and cool her down but I don't know if it helped. I mean, I know that technically it did because her fever went down but I'm still freaking out for no reason. I miss you more than anything, my love. Im really struggling with everything, the kids and work. That wasn't relevant to what I was saying but I did that thing where you write what your thinking.

I love you.

- Eliana xoxo

3 years later

I'm sorry. Im so so sorry. God, I'm such a horrible person. I broke my promise to you and for that I'm so sorry.

Mums dead. I tried, I tried so hard to be strong but I couldn't. I didn't mean for it to get that bad. I just miss you and her so much. I left them James, I left them. I left them. Oh god. I relapsed. Bad. Steve and Nat put me into a rehab centre and I've been here for just under 2 months. The two of them are looking after our kids because I was too selfish and stupid to look after my own children. And Elouise, I've left her with people she barely knows, just after one of the only people she had left died. I'm a dreadful person.

They say there going to let me go home in a couple of weeks but I don't know if I can face them. Face the questions that come with it. I miss them, obviously, more than anything, I just don't know if I'm ready to face them. Natasha was so disappointed in me, she could barely look at me. I'm sorry.

I love you. I miss you.
-Ellie x

4 years later

I've come to the conclusion that these letters are fucking stupid. I mean, it's not like you're ever actually going to read them because well, you're dead. You're dead. So I might as well talk to a wall and pretend that it's you because that's just as useless as these fucking letters. Maybe I'll show them to the kids when they're older. "Hey kids! Do you wanna read the letters I wrote to my dead husband when I was really depressed, and your dead father who's never going to read them because guess what? He's dead. And-"

So, Natasha just took the letter off of me and told me to stop writing 'negative shit' and said that I should probably stop writing these . She's probably right to be fair, they just make me more depressed. So, this is it. The last letter. Harry just turned 5 and Natalia's 3. They're the most amazing thing Buck, they really are. Some of the stuff they say and do is so funny and beautiful, I've got it all on video so I just watch it over and over again and try and forget the pain of losing you. I'm sorry if I've let you down, I really am, but I'm trying my hardest to look after our babies. Harry asks about you all the time, you're his hero and he loves you. And so does Tal. And so do I.

I love you. I miss you.

-your wife, Ellie xxx

p.s. This is so cringe and out of character for me so I'm sorry, but once again I don't know why I'm apologising because you're never going to read them. Because you're dead.

p.p.s Natasha just threw my pen across the room to stop me from writing negative shit and it hit Steve in the face lmao.

p.p.p.s I love you.