Phil's P.O.V.
After Dan's coming out I thought everything was getting better. He was bright and bubbly, involved in everything he could be simply because he could and wanted something to do, and although he had some bad days, that could be expected, there were more good days than bad days. Everything seemed to be going up for both him and me, especially since I had come out too.
Ever since I had released that video I felt completely free, like I was finally transparent and my audience could finally see who I truly was. It was amazing to feel that way but after a month or so of riding on the high I began to notice that Dan wasn't feeling the same way I was.
At first I didn't ask about it, deciding that if it got too bad he would come and talk to me, but as the weeks crept by and he slowly drew back into his shell I knew something was wrong. I danced around the issue for ages, unsure of what to do. Was there anything I could really do to help?
It was pretty clear that he was relapsing.
It took me weeks to gather up the courage to confront him about it and in that time, everything got worse. He started shutting himself away in his room, disappearing without telling me where or even that he was going, he barely ate anything and all I could think was- this is what it was like before he got help.
"Dan?" I whispered, knocking gently on his doorframe. He mumbled out a reply, not even looking up from where he was lying, curled up in the little ball on his bed. He didn't even have his phone or computer, he was just lying in the dark staring at the wall. "Can I... can I talk to you?"
"I guess." He mumbled, so quiet I barely heard him. I entered his room and came and sat down on the end of his bed, reaching out to place a hand on his shoulder.
"Dan...? Please, tell me what's wrong?" I whispered, pleading. "I so worried about you, what's going on?"
"Just..." For a moment he looked like he was going to explain but then his face fell and he turned away. "Leave me alone Phil. I don't wanna talk about it."
"Dan." I said, a little more sternly. "Please Dan, something's wrong and you can't deny it and I need to know."
"Don't Phil." He snapped, glaring at me over his shoulder. "Leave me be. I don't want to talk about it."
I stood up suddenly and he hadn't expected my movement, because he flinched quite obviously. I sighed quietly.
"If you need me, I'll be here."
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I could hear him pacing up and down in his room, occasionally kicking at something on his floor. I groaned quietly and glared across at the clock which read 3:35am, a stupid time to be awake and an even more stupid time for Dan to be wandering around in his bedroom. He hadn't paced in a little while, almost since he had gotten onto antidepressants.
I didn't know how to deal with Dan. Sure I had been there since the beginning, I had helped him get into therapy and onto meds, I had encouraged him to finally come out to his audience so he could be more authentic, but now I didn't know what to do. Before he had practically been begging to spill everything he was thinking to someone he trusted, me, so now that he had completely clammed up I didn't know what to do. I thought I knew everything about him.
When the pacing stopped I sat up in bed, my ears straining as I listened, making sure he was okay. There was nothing, no movement, but it was strange because his bed creaked when he got into it, and I hadn't heard that signature noise.
Finally I got sick of wondering and slipped from my bed, going to his door. It was cracked open and I could see Dan lying, pretty much motionless, sprawled out on his floor.
"Dan?" I asked, my voice high. "Are you okay?"
He tilted his head back so he was looking at me, eyes half lidded.
"Wha'da you want?" He mumbled, still faceplanted on the floor.
"Dan..." I sighed, crouching down beside him. "What's up? I know something's wrong."
"Just leave it Phil." He practically spat, turning away from me. "I don't want to talk about it."
I was about to say something more when Dan glared at me, moving to get up. I panicked, turned around and left. He lay back down again.
What could I do? Dan clearly didn't want to talk but I had to get it out of him before he fell down that dark hole too far. I would have to confront him, somehow. I just didn't know how to help.
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Dan didn't leave his room the next morning, closing his door and ignoring when I knocked to get him up for breakfast. I tried on a few separate occasions but didn't get any answer so eventually just gave up, leaving a bowl of cereal and the bottle of milk on the bench in case he wanted something. I sat on the barstool and thought for quite a while, swinging my legs.
Finally after I got sick of wondering and not getting answers I stood up, put my dishes in the sink and knocked on Dan's door again.
"Dan? I'm coming in."
When I pushed open the door I winced, sighing quietly. Dan was lying half on his bed, half on the floor, his hair a mess and bags under his eyes. He looked awful and he barely looked over at me, even when I spoke to him again, which made my heart sink into my toes.
"Jesus Dan, you look awful."
"You think?" He groaned, rolling over.
"Please Dan, talk to me. Something's really wrong and I want to know if there's anything I can do to help." I said quietly. "Please."
"I- it's- I..." And then his face crumpled.
All I could do was hold him as he cried, my heart racing out of my chest and his sobs so pained that I almost started crying myself. My hand ran through his curly, beautiful hair and I didn't let go until he went almost completely limp against me, the tears finally slowing.
"Can you tell me what's up now?" I asked after the sniffles stopped too.
"I don't really know." He mumbled. "I just... I got all the support and everything and now... I don't know what to do. I don't know what direction to take the channel in and I just feel... lost."
There was a pause as I tried to comprehend was he was saying and come up with an answer for it.
"Well... maybe I could help."
And I kissed him. I had been wanting to confess my feelings to him for years now but had held back because of everything going on in his life but now I simply couldn't help myself. Dan gasped at first but the second he realised what he was doing he practically melted against me, kissing back fiercely. I pulled away, gasping.
"Holy shit..." I gasping, smiling. Dan went bright red.
"You kiss good." He mumbled after a couple of moments, a smile flickering onto his face. Another pause.
"Is this the start of something new?" I asked.
"Yeah." Dan breathed. "I think it is."
