The Idol In My Living Room

Part 5.1: While I Was Sleeping

There are a few moments when I'm glad my apartment is as small as it is. This one is one of them.

I get up and run to the bathroom. I can count on one hand how many times I've thrown up in my adult time. It's not something I can easily do that's why I try not to push my limits when drinking.

That's it, you're never ever having another vodka soda!

"Was I really that bad?" Namjoon says trying to lighten up my mood but it makes me feel even more embarrassed. I look at him, grab the hand towel from the sink, and cover my face with it.

"I feel like dying," I'm not really sure if it's because I made myself look like a fool or because I'm literally dying.

"You've never been drunk before?" 

"Not in a while," I say while removing the towel from my head. 

I'm not like this swear. This is all Namjoon's fault. Him with his cute dimples, charming ways, and soft lips. 

Holy shit, he kissed me!!!

I hug my knees and rest my head against them. I cannot look at him right now! Can the room stop spinning?

"Next time we're staying away from the bar."

Namjoon comes closer but I don't dare to look up. I can feel his hands pushing my hair away from my face. Every stroke sends a shock of electricity through my body. He ties my hair into a ponytail. 

Can he stop being so perfect?

"I'll get you some water."

I lift my head to say thank you but I can't even open my mouth without feeling like throwing up again.

I hate my life.

I don't remember exactly how long I've been sitting on the bathroom floor but it feels like forever. Namjoon left the bedroom door slightly open in case I needed his help. I was still so nauseous I could barely stand, but my pride had been through a lot already. I decide to push through and try to make it to my bed on my own. I passed out until my alarm goes off, the sound making my head want to explode. My throat feels dry. It takes me a second to remember what I did. 

I sit on my bed doing what I do best, overthinking every situation. What am I going to do? What am I going to say? Should I ask him? There should be a manual on this.

Chapter 11 of Fangirling 101: What to do when your idol kisses but you're too drunk and make a fool of yourself because you can't handle alcohol like any other normal 25-year-old!

Ugh, I have a throbbing headache. I finally roll out of bed and take a long, hot shower. I feel much better...physically. I open the bedroom door a little bit more so I can squeeze through, trying not to make a noise in case Namjoon is still sleeping. I see the mat rolled up next to the sofa with a badly folded blanket on top of it. 

Namjoon is nowhere to be seen. I wonder where he went, probably on a walk or something.

I feel relieved that I don't have to confront him right now and instead I can focus on the papers I have to grade. But first I need coffee, a very strong cup of coffee.

.............................................................................................................................................................

It's mid-afternoon and I'm starting to get worried so I call Namjoon. I can hear some voices in the background and the sounds of sizzling meat over a grill.

"Hey umm...Where are you?"

"Hey! I'm in Seoul, actually. I woke up very early and I had to come to see a friend." Seoul? I can feel a knot starting to form in the back of my throat.

"Oh!" That is all I manage to say.

"Sorry, you were sleeping and I didn't want to wake you up."

"Don't worry. It's fine."

"How's the hangover?"

"Nothing a painkiller can't fix," I say forcing a laugh. 

"You should have some hangover soup. It really works." He says with his mouth full.

"Are you..." I find it extremely difficult to finish this sentence. "Are you staying there?"

There's a long pause.

"I'm not sure. I— 'll let you know."

"Oh okay. I'll let you be with your friend then." I say wondering if last night happened at all. That kiss, did I make it up? 

"Eleanor, wait," 

"Mmhm?" I respond, my heart starting to beat a little faster. 

"Last night..." Those two words make my heartbeat skyrocket. "We were both pretty drunk so don't worry about it okay?"

And it suddenly stops. I feel so stupid. 

"Yeah, no worries. Bye."

I hang up before he says anything else. I run to the shoe closet by the door where I made space for his luggage. I open it and his suitcase is still there. A part of me wished it wasn't but another part of me is glad.

He'll have to come back for it right?

Or maybe he'll send someone and I won't see him again.

Maybe, it's better this way. Everything can go back to normal. Namjoon can go back to being the unreachable idol he once was. I can go back to being just another fan in the sea of lights and all of this would be nothing more than a mirage. 

Who am I trying to fool? Will I be able to forget the way my hand felt so small in his, the way his eyes follow my mouth when I talk, the way his eyes disappear when he smiles, his touch, his lips? I'll never forget Kim Namjoon, the idol who was once me in my living room. 

I feel nauseous again.