The Aliveagainers

8 - Fire Inside

My head’s poundin’ She skips beside me, teasin’ me. Don’t, my eyes are killin’ me. The brightness in the sky is a tangible thing. After the darkness of the club and way too many drinks and whatever else the world outside feels too harsh, too sharp at the edges. Let’s get a donut. Are you crazy? We get one anyway, and a scaldin’ hot coffee that I realize I just can’t even touch so she carries it and blows steam. The heat stirs up and rises and I stare at the clouds as they race by, silver scars traced in amber. Take me to the river. I wanna slide along by it, meander slow and lazy like, let the night wash away downstream. Come, she says.

We move along the quiet streets, dodgin’ looks from those sick people that get up early to run.

We don’t talk, just hold hands as we get to the park that lines the water. I look out on the deep blue-green snake, cuttin’ its way through the city. We find a spot, one like where we always go and we sit still, finish up the donut and the coffee and lay back. A boat shivers by on the river and I hear in its wake an echo.  I can feel the night within me, sense the pulsin’ beats we were movin’ to just a little while ago. But they’re fadin’ away, slowin’ down.

Tell me how much you love me. Ah darlin’, you know there ain’t no words to say. You old goose, tell me how, I want to know. More than anythin’ else before and ever again. I know that for sure. And you? My sweet, my one, my silly seagull. I love you unending. What about, what about, what if I was just one inch tall? Would ya still love me just as much? Of course I would, maybe even more to make up for your lack of stature. Really? You’d still love me so small? Of course, love, I would still. And I’d take you with me everywhere, pack you in my pocket with a little ball of cotton wool to enjoy the world. You’d forget me somewhere, leave me behind. True, it would be a risk. I’d put you somewhere safe. Like, like my cigarette box. Oh great, so you’d definitely leave me, lyin’ on some table in a club. I’d have to get someone else’s attention and find my way home.

No, love, no never. I’d never let you out of my sight. I really won’t. I’ll be yours forever.

Ever ‘n’ ever.

A bird cries out above and I see a subtle darkness to the sky, a strange burnin’ smell far off. Come, love, let’s sleep. I look into her eyes, so big and wired but deep and blue. And she kisses me and she lays down. I rest my head on her, place my arm up her shirt and on her chest so I feel her heart beatin’. I track its journey, imagine its movements through the mornin’. Her breath moves slow and steady, deep and sweet.

But I’m too wired, so I sit up and look around me. The trees rest on a bed of brown needles and I move between them, runnin’ my hands on the bark. Up close I watch it, lookin’ at the grooves and seams that run through the wood, carryin’ words we cannot hear. I’ll sing for you, love, I’ll whisper those words for you. She lies there in the woods, a shaft of sunlight framin’ her so. And I step forward in the woods, walkin’ through the trees, imaginin’ the days ahead and the songs we’d still yet sing.

Through the woods I wander, movin’ higher and up from the river and the trees grow thicker and heavier, their branches reachin’ higher and higher, twistin’ up to the roof of sky above me. They lock their fingers together, twine the sky darker and the breeze lifts up, colder so it makes me chill and tinged with a smoky memory.

Ahead I watch as I see a glow far off, blue and diffused, its light slippin’ around the tall pines there. Whispers carry on the breeze, words short and sharp and tinged with anger. And then there is a moment of silence and the glow burns brighter. And then I see a beautiful bird and it makes my eyes well up with tears and I can’t believe how far I’ve come and that I left her there by the river. I turn back, blinkin’, but the woods surround me and the sun has gone. Shadows melt around me and the air is freezin’. I rub my hands on my naked arms and look at the smudged grey dust that coats ’em.

I walk ahead through the woods and draw closer to where the glow came from. The woman stands, arms crossed starin’ at the others. The boy lays on his side, flopped on the ground.

And I sit there too, slumped against a tree.