"Shouldn't you be at home studying," the crush of my life spoke down to me as if I were a child, embarrassing and infuriating me at the same time.
I looked at the once pretty doe-eyed girl, now turned easy skank, up and down before stating, "I hope you used protection."
He smiled down at her, grabbing her waist and pulling her closer to him.
"I did," and he laughed while stumbling away. I could tell he was good and drunk from his speech slurring but in this moment, I did not give a flying fuck. I felt completely disrespected, even if I had no right to feel that way. I seethed and watched the two disappear into the crowd and even watched some after before my bestfriend yanked my ass in the bathroom with her.
"You should fuck him," she said as she pulled her pants down to squat and pee.
"I so fucking should," I said in return not knowing fully well what I was saying.
"Why don't you?," the question that brought me out of my stupor. I had no real idea what the fuck I would be doing. I couldn't even get him to look at me in that way better yet convince him to put his dick inside me.
“I-I’m not r-ready,” I stuttered coming to my senses.
Flushing the toilet and washing her hands, Sowon continued to laugh and tease me. “Well, the way you looking at him like he is turkey gravy and you holding the world's biggest biscuit, I would say you were. Girl, you better go get your manz!”
🌺
"Girl, you better go get your manz!”
Sowon's words kept playing in my head as I laid in my bed and remembered the way that bitch was gyrating and grinding all over my manz tonight.
“Ha, my manz,” I laughed to myself. “If I could just get my manz to even acknowledge I was a fuckable girl, maybe. But he would never see me as anything but the annoying little girl down the street who couldn’t even get highschool math.”
I rolled over into my pillow and thought about how my life ended up this pathetic. Craving a man I couldn’t have. Was it me? Was I not pretty enough for him? Sexy enough? Old enough? Was I too naive? Seeing the world through rose colored glasses? Did I come off as too innocent, too precious? God, what the fuck!!!
Rolling back onto my side, I looked at the picture that Sowon and I had taken on a field trip back in 5th grade. We were 10 year old twinsies then. Wore our hair the same way, coordinated our outfits, told secrets only to each other, liked the same boys, the same music, the same styles, the same games. Best friends was not really the word for what we were. We were more so kindred spirits. One soul, two bodies. I missed those days at times.
But my best friend now was a wanton woman, demanding of what she wanted and how she wanted it. She wasn’t afraid or ashamed of her sexuality or her sexual prowess. She wore more revealing clothes to show off her natural curves, she flirted shamelessly with anyone she felt was worth her time, and would love em and leave em faster than they could even finish busting their nut in the plastic they were always, always forced to wear.
She had grown up to be a teenage player, while I had stayed young and innocent, still waiting for the one. I still wore the same type of clothing, overalls with big oversized shirts, bright colors that rivaled a crayola box. My music style had changed but not much only now including songs with more mature lyrics. I hadn’t really been a forward thinker. I preferred to stay in the past and just accept the present.
But I wasn’t going to get anywhere like this. Staying in my own homemade shell, watching as everyone else grew up and gamed up. I had to step out of my comfort zone, do things that I wouldn’t normally do. It was the only way I was going to, so called, get my manz. The only way I could get him to see me. But how?
How was I to do something so foreign to me? Any attempt at letting Namjoon know I was interested would more than likely end up with me in an embarrassing situation and I just did not want that, did not want to be embarrassed in front of him trying to do anything to grasp his attention. He would laugh, and he would laugh hard. And I would die!
I needed someone to show me how to be, how to act, how to get my manz. Joy was out of the question. She was never looking for something real, she was always just up for the game. I didn't want that. I wanted to pull someone (Namjoon) in and make him want me, make him love me, make him stay and have our forever.
Yes it was drastic for a 17 year old but did I mention I have loved this man for 7 years?
This man whom I have watched become a chick magnet. Bitches throwing themselves on the ground, tripping all over themselves, just to be graced with the opportunity to suck his big toe (and other things). The shit they pull too, accidentally bumping into him in the street, slipping and falling in his presence, pretending to cry over a break up, bending over in front of him, running tongues over candies and moaning at the taste. I don’t know if he fell for their pathetic attempts or he just let them give him some ass, but they got him. Or should I say, he got them.
Usually they were left to walk home by themselves, limp and all. Unless it was dark, in which he called them a cab. In the 7 years I had watched him, many, many had come and gone, but none could make him stay, make him settle. Secretly, I’d hoped he was waiting for me, waiting for me to come of age, but reality sunk in about 2 years ago when I realized he was just being a hoe.
Even so, he was the hoe I still pined for. And I wondered what could turn a hoe into a house...guy? Someone who didn’t want to be with every Joy, Jenny, and Jisoo? I guess the right girl. And I know I could be that girl, if only I knew how to get him. So back at the premise...I need a teacher, a tutor, to show me the ends and outs of getting her man, of putting it on him, figuratively and physically, because eventually, I am gonna want to have lots and lots of sex. And who better to teach me about how to get my guy, than my guy. He can teach me what he looks for in a girl, what draws him to her. He could teach me how to please him, teach me how to…
Oh my, this idea is not half bad. I think this just might work. It’s crazy. It's bat shit. It's bordering on lunacy, but I like it. Will he go for it? One can only, desperately hope.
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Just DAMN!!!
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