Rogue: Annihilation (An Avengers Sequel)

21. It Has To Be Me

Back at the Compound, everyone was in full work-mode. Those of us that weren't constructing the time machine were working on the suits that we'd need to wear when we travelled; everyone had a job to do.

Everyone except Thor.

He was sitting in a corner alone, drinking beer. Well, 'drinking' was a strong word; he was mostly dribbling the beer down his huge beard.

I walked over to him cautiously. He'd changed a lot since I'd last seen him five years ago, but the expression on his face was almost identical. Sadness.

"Hey, you okay?" I greeted him sympathetically.

He looked up at me and did a double take, as if he hadn't noticed me walking towards him. He squinted, blinked, took another dribble-sip of beer and smiled widely.

"Yes, I'm fine! Don't I look fine?"

I raised an eyebrow – the last word I'd use to describe him was 'fine'. "You look... different."

He nodded, reaching under his chair and pulling out a second beer, even though I was almost sure he hadn't finished the first.

"Want one?"

I sighed, sitting down next to him and taking the beer from his outstretched hand. It was warm and tasted slightly watered down. I swirled it around my mouth, reluctantly swallowing before going in for another sip.

"I'm sorry about... what happened to Loki, and the other Asgardians," I said, watching the way his face changed. "No one deserves that. Thanos-"

"I'm fine," he repeated with a less-than-reassuring laugh, cutting me off. "I've spent much of my life mourning my brother. It's not a new feeling."

I shrugged, taking another gross sip. "Doesn't make it hurt any less. When you lose your family, their death attaches itself to you. No matter how long they've been gone, the pain of losing them doesn't get easier to handle... you just learn to deal with it."

He scoffed, finishing his beer and reaching down for another. The fake smile had disappeared. "You 'learn to deal with it'," he repeated my words, as if he didn't understand them. "I lost my hammer, my brother, my best friend and half my people. How does one 'deal' with that?"

I bit my lip apologetically. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."

"Then what did you mean?" he asked, sounding annoyed. We both sat in silence for a second before he spoke again. "I heard you and Stark had a child. Is that how you dealt with our losses?"

I frowned, looking at him with my head tilted. "You're suggesting that I had a baby to distract myself from the fact that people died?"

He shrugged, not denying his claim. "The loss of an old family contributes to the beginning of a new one."

I shook my head defiantly. "My daughter is not the product of guilt and depression, Thor. And I didn't have her to fill the hole that Nat and Wanda and my mom left." I sighed, scowling at the memory that came to me. "You know, I was six months pregnant before we told anyone, before I could even bear to talk about it. And even then we only told Steve and Banner. Getting pregnant didn't feel like a solution, it felt like a reminder of everything we'd lost... another person that I'd fail to protect."

"So what happened?" he asked, sounding somewhat intrigued.

I looked up, meeting his eye. "She was born, and I fell in love the moment I saw her. I realized that she wasn't an abstract idea, or a reminder of the past. She was... a clean slate, a fresh new human being that I'd protect with everything I had – someone I'd die for." I rested my hand on his. "We're all here because we lost people that we were willing to die for. That we're still willing to die for. But, you should know that it's okay to not know how to 'deal with it'. It's okay that every time you think about them, you feel like the world is crumbling around you. You'll be okay, Thor."