The Diary of Joe

Chapter 5

August 4, 2000

How did you know? It's the question that has been going through my mind for hours, I haven't even been able to write something decent, so as you can see I had to skip for a few days. I don't understand why there are people, so answer with a question.

I am one of those people who gives a lot of turns to the issues, they have to think things over and over again to make everything go absolutely well and perfect... That's why I've had to take it these days. I put forward an excuse at work, well of those simple ones; I had an emergency trip because my mother passed away–of course it wasn't true, though in theory I didn't even know about it–,on the subject of grief and everything concerning the matter they let it go, so tomorrow I'm reintegrating from the structured routine I've been carrying out so far.

Ah, yes... I didn't answer Selene, my head turned a thousand turns and I have only three options left:

The first, Senele01 is an excellent researcher.

The second, Selene01 is very close, so much so that you can see what I'm doing, maybe I even know her.

And finally and third point, Selene01 is a psychopath who bears the accounts of everything I do and although it is far away knows absolutely everything, he looks at me meticulously planning something macabre; although I think this would be the least likely option, being away it's hard to know a detail as unimportant as missing work, I would have to have endless contacts, including people that I guess I know.

August 5, 2000

My mind is like a whirlwind of ideas every night, insomnia whips my senses and my body automatically responds to the day in question.

I don't understand why it's happening to me, I thought it was normal, but it's already too much, I don't know how many hours ago I don't sleep and my head keeps telling me about Selene...

Will your life be too busy? Well, it never connects, although sometimes I feel it calls to my memory and suddenly appears, fleeting as a comet or rather like a storm.

Will my predictions be correct? Will you know me? Will I meet her? Will you like to see me? Will you feel superior to winning in online chess? Have you felt my anger? Have you heard my plans to torture her, of revenge? I can't stop wondering, thinking... To feel.

That's never happened to me before! Feel?

August 6, 2000

Ever since I was a kid, I never thought I'd feel too much. It was as if, even if life gave me every blow, I was still there without expression or shred of pain. The only thing I ever thought I was Mom's love that I clearly lost very soon; I once even put my hand on the stove and squealed like a pig, it hurt my soul and I knew i wasn't immortal, that the fact that I didn't feel was purely emotional and not physical.

I was able to watch animals kill in front of my eyes or as I did myself. Nothing that was crude to others was ever crude to me. When I did little ones, I've always focused on being the best in school and I must say I've never been away from that. Although I always attracted women I never looked at them as such, but I imagined them writhing in pain or slowly moving away from the world, I always saw myself as a savior who encouraged them never to look back and leave forever of the planet of the living , going to light black is; and I must admit, too, that I always dreamed of doing it with my own hands, it's just that I knew it was wrong and I'm clear that's not what mattered to me. It was my mother and the misfortune that would cause me to myself, she told me that if I ever did anything to a person, she would lock me in the basement forever without anyone being able to hear me, and I would be destined to live next to her in that place forever.