A Certain Romance (Reimagined)

New Year's Eve

As our brains begin to process and cope with the effects of grief, we experience disruptions in our daily lives. Lack of sleep, loss of appetite, anxiety that leaves us on edge...While I had never experienced a loss close to me, I was certain my process of mourning had begun. My maternal grandfather died when I was an adolescent, so I wasn't bothered so much by his death. When I was younger, I couldn't even flinch at the thought of someone dying. Here I was now at eighteen, full of questions and wanting answers now.

Sam wouldn't do this. Sam would never think his only way out of a shitty situation would be death. Sure, I thought my brother wasn't the brightest person in the world, but he'd never do something like this. Ever. I could think of a list of people who would set up Sam's death to look like a suicide, or an accident. The list could start with Senator Hood and likely end with the governor of Washington.

The coroner wanted my dad or I to confirm Sam's identity. I refused to go in because I couldn't have my last memory of Sam be his cold body underneath a white blanket. My dad couldn't go in because of work pilling up and I also got the feeling he didn't want to go in either. The man was around plenty of sickness and death almost 90 hours a week at work, this should've been normal to him. An easy shot in the dark. But this was his son this time.

I held a special guilt in my heart, coming to Lydia's house for New Year's Eve after everything that had happened to my brother. Frankly, I didn't feel as if I deserved to have fun when my brother was dead, but it was just like me to feel like I didn't deserve anything in my life. Arrie sat to my right on the couch, sending aggressive texts on his burner phone. He had this way of wanting to make everything wrong...right. Even though he couldn't bring Sam back, he was desperately trying to figure out how to make the situation better for me. I felt thankful for Arrie's attempts as they brought me temporary relief in my sadness, until I thought too hard about things.

Michael and Luke were in the game room playing pool with Calum. Everything felt different. Everything was different. Michael wouldn't blink twice in Calum's direction a month ago, but now, suddenly, he was able to tolerate being in the same room as Calum. Life was so weird and I always thought forgiveness never existed, but here we were. I thought back to the first day of school, where the proposition of fake dating Ashton was thrown my way, then I fell deeply in love with him, only to have Michael and Calum be in the same room together. Things always changed, it just took us taking the time to realize what had changed and accept those changes.

It was The Trifecta, Calum, Evelyn, Lydia, Ashton, Sammy, Ally, Reuben, Lisa, Arrie, and Veronica who came to the lake house to say goodbye to the year and hope that we would make it to graduation. Elizabeth couldn't make it because her family booked a last minute trip to Cancun for New Year's Eve. Lydia pretended to be upset, but she had never been happier to not deal with Elizabeth. Veronica came along to be with Ashton, but we all knew she was only here because I was here and she needed to keep an eye on Calum and Evelyn and report any suspicious activity back to Elizabeth. Tragically enough, Veronica was feeling better than she felt a few days ago.

Ally happily hummed to the song playing on the speaker in the kitchen as she flipped grilled pieces of chicken. I was envious of how well Ally could cook. Luke would never starve. She spent a lot of time looking up new recipes and trying them out, seeing what worked and what didn't. But everything she made, Luke thought was perfect.

"Need help?" I asked Ally, looking over her shoulder. I didn't want to sit down and further sulk, I deserved to have a good time while I was here, regardless of what was happening. Didn't I? More often, I began to question myself and the moves I made.