The Scent Of Insanity [KiriDeku] (Vol.1)

Shut Up (11)

-Izuku POV-

I stared at the ceiling in my room, eyes wide open. I didn't know what to do next. To text him? Ask him why? Or ignore it. But I can't break up with Katsuki, we just started dating again. I have to give this a chance at least. 
It could be as great as it used to be.

-Eijirou POV-

Opening the door to my house, I pushed off my boots walking inside. Sliding off my jacket I did the best to not think of what I just did, what I just ruined. 
I know that maybe I don't have a chance, at all, but I saw how he held back a smile. Maybe that's all I need to keep trying, but what if it doesn't even mean anything?

Of course I like him, but I'm at the point where I don't even know how to go slowly. I constantly think of him and what we could be and do, I keep fantasizing about a future that maybe doesn't even exist. And I keep thinking, pacing back and forth in my room that feels so empty, how I could make him like me back. But when I try, I mess up. And I wanna keep trying, but whenever I do I pull something like that. 

I took a deep breath and held it, cupping my blushing face in my hands. 
I wish I hadn't done that, I wish I had just waited. He's become everything I think about, I'm probably not even doing good in school anymore. 

I stared at the floor after shutting my door. I kept the lights off, knowing I was probably going to sleep right aways, mostly because I didn't feel like thinking. Maybe if I just waited for a bit it's just become the past, and I could forget. It was just a kiss, I know that, but it was a big move when I think about how I've been hiding everything from him. 

I stared at the palms of my hands, thinking of his face afterwards, not knowing what it meant. 
So I changed and climbed into bed, pulling the covers over my face. 

After a few minutes of staring into nothing, I grabbed my phone. 
Even if I was doing something completely different I just kept thinking of it. Why can't I stop?

He has a boyfriend, he's said he loves him. I know that he does. So that erases every chance of me being with him, and getting what I want.
Is that selfish? To want his boyfriend out of the picture?
I know I won't be able to do anything about it except talk badly about him, even if he probably isn't even a bad person. I think I hate him, though.

And it's not that I just want him just to love me, I want to be the one to make him smile. I wanna be his favorite, and I want his attention. I constantly want his attention, even if sometimes he can't give it to me. This sucks.

My phone vibrated, I took it off silent when I started waiting for texts from him.
"Goodnight :)" it read. 
My eyes started to sting and water. I sniffled and typed, "Sleep well." without saying anything I wanted to pour out. 
I turned my phone off and tried to wipe the tears with my sleeves, but they kept coming. "This is so stupid. You're crying over nothing!" I whispered to myself. I kept my eyes shut and I tried to stop. It was getting pretty loud. 

I stopped and smiled, "This only gets worse, doesn't it?"

♡♡♡

I was happier than I thought I'd be after that weekend, for some reason. I kept staring at the morning sky like it meant something, and I smiled. It was weird, because I don't normally care.

And at school I kept waiting, staring at the door. But he only showed up after lunch.
Why did that hurt?
Did he.. not wanna spend time with me like we usually would?
So I ate with my friends, and thought of how it'd be to just stop hanging out everyday. I didn't like it, but my friends seemed to distract me from the thought.

Maybe I should start to get over this now. I had one shot and I ruined it by just wanting to kiss him, so I should move on. He loves somebody else, somebody that isn't me. 

I can't believe I have the nerve to believe he might break up with somebody he loves just for me. 

♡♡♡

The day was boring, but it wasn't bad. I didn't cry at all, even if it was filled with stupid thoughts of him. 
So I plugged both my earbuds in, and instead of going home right aways, I sat on a bench near the sidewalk. 

I stared at my shoes, kicking the snow around. I watched how my breath turned into fog. I jumped when I heard the snow crunch, and I pulled an earbud out and looked up. Yeah, it was that boy that keeps on running through my mind.

He didn't say anything, he put his bag on his lap as he sat down beside me. Taking the earbud from my hand and putting it in his ear. My heart started beating faster because it was some cheesy love song that reminded me of him. 

"You don't walk this way.." "I know. I followed you." he closed his eyes and inched closer to me, and part of me knew that he didn't want me to notice, so I didn't say anything about it.

"I'm sor--" "Shut up." he wasn't mad when he said that or anything, "What?" "Don't apologize."

I held back a smile, but also an embarrassed look, because now I knew we both thought of that night today.

"Okay, I won't."
Does this mean he's fine with it?