The Trouble with Kissing Connor

Chapter 7 (Sadie)

Girlfriend...Best kiss ever... Meant to be together.

His words raced around inside my head as I put some of my books into my locker. I grabbed onto it and hung my head, as the knot in my stomach twisted and turned. I had to tell him! I had to end this ridiculous charade before it completely backfired. Now he was calling her, me, his girlfriend? This was a whole new level of messed up. But I could still fix this.

Maybe I could tell him it was a joke, that I meant it in some kind of ironic way? That it was a dare. That I'd taken something that had completely lowered my inhibitions and caused me to go temporarily insane. But just thinking about opening my mouth and trying to get those words out, had me frozen in fear. The thought scared the living shit out of me. Especially when I thought about that time we'd come close to kissing once. If that was anything to go by, the news that it I was the kisser would totally tank.

It was a few years ago; we'd been playing spin the bottle one night at a party. Connor was there and a part of me was desperate for the chance to kiss him, but also desperate not to see him kiss someone else. I kissed Brett first, it was short and quick, he tried to slip me tongue but I'd flicked it and everyone had laughed. And then one of my sister's minions, Martha, had kissed Connor. I'd had to turn away, I couldn't watch it. She and Connor ended up going out for a few months after that- not one of his finest moments in my opinion.

And then he'd spun again and the bottle went straight for me. My heart decided to beat as fast as a pneumatic pump and my skin decided to burn like it was on fire. He smiled at me. He leaned over and just as our lips were about to touch he pulled away. And then he said the words that have basically haunted me till this day. "I can't. It would be like kissing my sister."

I thought the friendzone was bad, but the sisterzone...

It was so humiliating. Perhaps one of the most humiliating moments of my life, and I remember hoping that no one had seen the look of disappointment that had flashed across my face. So I'd played along–what else could I have done?

"Disguising! Like kissing my brother," I'd agreed quickly and made the appropriate cringing gestures and shuddering movements. So...NO, I couldn't tell him. Because even though the kiss had been good, great, amazing and­–what had he said?–"mind-blowing," the second he found out it was me, he might just throw up.

The next few periods felt strange. It was as if time operated differently somehow; the hours seemed like days and the minutes, like hours. I walked around in a troubled daze, unable to distract myself from the thoughts that were going round and round endlessly. I was really grateful to Brett when he caught up with me in the hall. I needed a distraction.

"Hey. What's up? You look all mopey today?" he said.

"Maybe I am mopey. Maybe this is my new look?"

"You going for the whole dark-twisty-mopey thing?"

"Perhaps," I said.

"It doesn't suit you."

"Thanks. I'll bear that in mind." We turned down the corridor and headed towards math class, my worst subject. Worst teacher too. She's some kind of crazed math genius who wears mismatching shoes and even came to school in her slippers once.

"So did Connor tell you what happened?" he asked.

Did Connor tell me what had happened, HA? Was that the understatement of the century? It was all Connor had told me about since it had happened.

"Yup."

"Who do you think it was?" Brett asked.

I shrugged, still trying to look casual, like this conversation meant nothing to me, like it didn't actually hold the weight of my entire world.

"Don't know," I was trying so hard to be casual, but I was sure it wasn't working, because suddenly I was walking as if my knees were locked, I must have looked ridiculous. 

"Whoever she is, she's probably hot," Brett said. "Why does he always get the hot ones and I get stuck with no one, or the girl that I've had a crush on for my entire life, who doesn't even know I exist."

"I know you exist Brett. I just don't want to date you." I smiled, this is our running joke, I know he's actually not interested in me, but some years back we agreed to send each other anonymous valentines cards as school, so we wouldn't look like the only lames ones who hadn't got any. And since then, we've joked about dating. 

He stabbed his heart dramatically and made a squelching sound.

"So remind me why you don't want to date men again?  Is that because you're secretly pine for Connor?" he suddenly asked.

"What?" I swung around. "I'm n...not, no, not secretly pining for Connor." I shook my head so hard and fast that Brett's features blurred in front of me.

"Whatever." Our eyes locked once I'd stopped trying to shake my head off my neck and it soddenly felt like he was trying to read my mind.

"So totally NOT in love with Connor. Gross, like going out with my brother." My cheeks felt hot and I hoped they hadn't gone bright red.

"Really?" Brett cocked his head to the left. I could see he didn't believe me, but there was no way I was going to admit it out loud.

"I'm not going to tell him, if that's what you're worried about," Brett said and started walking again. "It's not my place to tell him."

My blood boiled, not because I was angry, but because I was mortified. "There's nothing to tell, Brett. It's just your over-active imagination running wild again."

"Whatever you say, Sadie. Come, we're going to be late for class." Brett rushed off in front of me and I stopped for a moment or two gathering my thoughts.

Shit, did everyone think I was in love with Connor?