My life

Something different.

Okay so the last time you guys had an update on my life was October 9th. I had a lot of shit going on so I didn't really go on this app very much. So I'll give you a long story of how my life has been going. It's gonna be about everything because I've been holding my feelings in for too long and I need to write about it.

So I don't remember the exact dates but me and my boyfriend were doing okay but I was still talking to my ex behind his back. (I know I'm a shitty person) we were just talking as friends at the time tho and then I started having feelings for him and let my feelings take control. We started talking as more than friends for a bit. It was extremely overwhelming. One day this one kid in school told everyone that my bf raped me (when he didn't) and everyone in my house was freaking out because I was 15 at the time and he was 19. So when he came home from work my parents sat down and talked to him about the situation and told him that he needs to move out since yanno if cps were to show up he would be arrested on the spot. So we went to his parents place to let them know what was going on and they weren't home so we went to his sisters place to see if his sister will let him stay there for a bit. We ended up getting twisted tea and this weird New England beer that was like 18% alcohol. That night I drank 2 twisted teas and went to bed the night after that I drank 5 twisted teas and 2 of the New England beers. We went out for a little bit to sober me up but it didn't really work it kinda just made me feel worse. We went back home and I was really drunk. I got undressed and got in bed because I needed to sleep. I felt like I was gonna throw up so I opened my window and threw up all down the side of the house because I didn't think I'd be able to make it to the bathroom. I instantly felt better but when I was trying to sleep I got really dizzy. I sat up not knowing what was happening and I instantly threw up all over the bed. My bf took the blankets off the bed and brought me in the bathroom ran me a shower and helped me wash my hair and body since I was covered in puke. I got out and threw up a little more in the toilet then we got dressed and went back into our room. He looked at me and said "I know what would make you feel better" and at the time since I was still drunk I said what. And he took my clothes off and did "stuff" if you know what I mean. I didn't want to and I told him that but he just continued. Before that every time he asked I told him I didn't want to then he stuck his hand down my pants and touched me it got annoying because I would constantly tell him no but he would still do it. So I said yes every time because I knew he wasn't gonna lemme say no. After that we went to bed. The next day I woke up with a terrible hangover and didn't remember much of what happened. We went to the store because my parents asked us to run out and grab some stuff. On our way back I was texting my ex and he asked me who I was talking to. I told him who because he knew we talked every so often but didn't know we talked all the time. He asked to see the messages and I refused. We were driving to drop off my little brothers friend because my parents asked us if we could take him home. My bf started getting pissy saying shit like "you said if I ever thought something was going on you would lemme look at your phone" and I said "we don't need to be looking at each others phones all the time I don't even go through yours why should you go through mine" and it started a huge argument. I wanted to tell him right when he asked but I knew he would react in a terrible way and I didn't want my brothers friend to see that. But he kept pushing it. So once we got to the road my brothers friend lives on I told him cuz he was pissing me off. He screamed at me and started calling me a bitch. (I deserved it) but my brothers friend was still in the back seat of the car and he pulled out of the driveway like an asshole. He was like "give me your phone" so I handed it to him and he fucking smashed it off the dashboard in the car. He cracked the screen but since I had a screen protector I didn't think it was the screen till I took off the screen protector. After that we talked about it for a while. He stayed at his parents place for a couple days. He told me he wanted to figure things out and try to make it work. But I didn't want that because through most of the relationship he treated me like shit. I wanted to be with someone who wasn't gonna tell me that I can't hang out with friends alone or someone who wouldn't lemme leave the house unless he was with me at all time. He would always get mad at me for being depressed and he would tell me to get over it. He would say shit like "well I've been through worse you can't say that your depression is bad if I can still get up every day and work all day" or like "you need to learn to ignore it" and i got sick of it. I got really upset when he left because we were together for 6 months and he was the person I lost my virginity to so I stayed with him through the bullshit just because I was afraid of being alone. While I was with him I wasn't able to open up because one I had no friends two he would always bitch at me for it and three he made me think nobody was there for me. I wasn't able to talk about how I was feeling even to my only true friend that's been there for me for over 10 years. I started to feel as if I were useless and had no point being alive. My bf and I talked about our situation a couple days later and he said he wanted to make things work and he noticed all the shit he has done wrong and the things he did to push me away he told me he would change and I wanted to go back but part of me was afraid he would go back to the same way he was before. I talked to my ex about it and told him what was happening and he told me that he wouldn't care who I chose as long as I'm happy. So I told them to gimme some time to figure it out. They both gave me a day then started pressuring me into making a decision. I got stuck in a situation where I didn't wanna hurt either of them but I didn't know what to do because no matter who I chose I always still wanted to be friends with the other person. So I basically led both of them on. On my birthday i told my bf that I wanted him to come with me to take my permit test I lied to him and said I wasn't talking to my ex anymore so he would still talk to me. My ex knew I was still talking to my bf tho. I got my permit and drove around with my bf for a bit. We talked for a while and it was great but he asked me if I was still talking to my ex again and I said yeah. I ended up actually breaking up with him that night because he wouldn't stop telling me that I needed to make a decision. He got really pissed packed a bunch of his clothes and went to his parents place for the night. I stayed up most of the night crying. when I went to school the next day I couldn't stop so I had to have my mom pick me up because I didn't wanna be seen like that. The next day she told me that if I still couldn't keep my self calm for more than 10 minutes at a time then she would lemme skip again. I couldn't stop no matter how hard I tried. Everything reminded me of him. I texted him and told him I wanted to stay single for a while and he told me that it was okay and he would still be there for me. I ended up having sex with him again after we broke up and he thought that meant we were getting back together so he cleaned the entire room and brought some of his clothes back. I told him two days after that, that I didn't wanna be with him anymore. One of the nights he wasn't there I was out hanging with my ex we drove around with one of his friends for a bit picked up his friends new gf and went to the movies together. He started texting me and I didn't respond cuz yanno I was at the movies. I lied and told him that I was with my friend he told me that he was stopping by the house to grab some stuff because I told him to stay at his parents that night. The next day he picked me up from school and we were gonna go to his parents place because he wanted to do something to the jeep. He asked me if I lied about it last night and I told him that I lied because he wouldn't stop asking to see my phone. He got pissed turned the car around like a dick and drove off. I wasn't wearing my seat belt because he told me to get out of the jeep but when I tried to get out he locked the doors. he went back to my place to drop me off then he told my dad all that even my ex knew that we were still fucking but it didn't mean we were getting back together. He grabbed some of his shit and started yelling in my face. I was trying to sort through our stuff to make sure he took the right shit so I screamed "get the fuck out of my face" and he stormed out of the house and drove off like an asshole. He texted me and told me his stepdad and both his sisters were helping him move his shit out. I sorted through everything and stayed in the avalanche when he got there. My mom came over to me and told me that he wanted to talk to me and I was so pissed at him for being a dick about it that I didn't wanna see him. I told her to tell him that I don't wanna talk to him. He came outside and told me that if I didn't wanna talk to him that it would be the last time I heard from him again so I gave in and told him we could talk. Everyone forced me to go back into the house. The only things he didn't take were my tv, my dresser, and the chinchillas. They were all I had left at that point because I had no friends since he started controlling my life. We talked for a bit and went to the town park just to talk when I got home my parents set up a bed for me and got my PlayStation hooked up to my tv again. Me and my now ex bf were still friends but sleeping alone felt weird I couldn't fall asleep and it sucked. So I got really fucking high so that I could sleep. I told my ex that I wanted to be with him so at that time we got together. My now ex bf told me that he wouldn't talk to me anymore if he found out that I started dating my now bf so I lied to him for a while about it because I still cared about him. One day my now ex asked if we could hang out and I was honest and told him that I couldn't bc I was hanging out with my now bf and he got really pissed. The next day he told me that he moved on and needed to pick up the vape that he gave me. I was so afraid of losing him completely that I let him continue to treat me like shit. It's been a month since everything else happened and we were doing okay until he got a new gf. He was being a complete asshole when he was talking to me. It upset me bc he didn't want me to move on but then ended up moving on anyways. And it pissed me off that he decided now after an entire month of telling me I could have the vape that just now decided to take it back. I stopped talking to him completely. My now bf told me that it's okay and it was gonna happen either way. My feelings for him were always strong but after I completely cut off my now ex bf my feelings for my now bf are stronger. My now bf is trying to fix parts of me that my now ex fucked up. He helped me be able to open up to people without feeling bad about it and he told me to start branching out my friend group because he thinks it will help me with my depression so I did and now I'm doing a little better after all this shit. I have been talking to two of my guy friends that i have known for like ever and I've been hanging out with people more. I feel so much better now that I'm out of that toxic relationship. I still feel like I should've handled the situation a little better but it's over now and there's nothing I can do about it.

I will start keeping you guys updated on how I'm doing and everything so you know what's going on and I'm sorry for going silent for a month you know why.