Beautifully Broken

- 31 -

"Shut the fuck up!" 

Cole's voice booms from inside the room. I could hear him from where I sat outside of the heavy doors. I don't know about the men in that room, but if I were them I'd be scared shitless. 

He asked me to sit in the conference room while he was having the conversation. He says it's because he doesn't want me to see that side of him. Although I explained to him that it didn't matter to me, he still insisted on me not to watch. 

I'm fine with not listening in on the conversation, they would only bore me anyway. The only part I don't like is being away from him. I hate to admit it, but I'm sort of paranoid about being kidnapped again. 

Ten out of ten would never be kidnapped again

Cole has made my time back very comfortable. He's been by my side for two days straight. We've stayed in bed; eating takeout and sleeping. May I say it's been wonderful. However, duty always calls and there's always someone to kill. 

From what I can gather of the conversation, he's yelling at the members and guards of the gang about safety. He's saying that there's no way in hell I should have been taken so easily. Which is true to a certain extent. I don't personally blame anyone but myself for me being kidnapped. I knew I was playing with fire before I went in that morning. I just, unfortunately, got burnt. 

I mentioned that to Cole, but he won't let me blame myself. Cole's threaten multiple lives since stepping in the room. Elijah has shot someone for a comment that I did not hear. All over me and the choices I decided to make. I don't regret it, but I do feel bad. 

I was alright sitting here for the first hour, but it's been a while since then and I'm starting to become restless.

I remove myself from the wooden bench next to the doors. Making it a point to ignore the sharp pains in my stomach and thigh. 

I start towards the pretty garden of the gang house. The damp smell of the air embraces me as I step outside. Bright flowers sway in the soft wind just like they did the last time I was here. Their garden was like a stock photo - too pretty to be real. 

I wonder if Cole's mother planted them?

I wonder if she would like me?

The wonderful melody of water is becomes clearer as I walk along the path. It brings a smile to my face. I allow myself to fall into the sound of the water. My fingers grazing the ends of flowers. Soft and delicate, if only the colors would rub off on my hands.

The enchanting sculpture appears in front of me once again. Her eyes' still lively and her beauty still great. I can only imagine what she looked like when she was alive.

My mind drifts to Ms. Justine.

Guilt grips at my chest, it's debilitating. It gets even worse when I realize there's nothing I can do about it. Death is irreversible.

She deserved so much better, I know that. I should have been there, I know that as well.

I'm unsure of how to come to terms with her death. I don't know what's worst; the shock of what happened or the ache of what never will. I haven't fully grasped that there will be no more laughs with her, no more of her warming smiles. It's painful to think that her last moments of life were filled with pain and fear. I just hope that one day I'll see her on the other side of the stars.

She's always been an angel, so now she's where she belongs.

I so desperately yearn to be happy, but every time I am it never lasts. Forget being happy, actually, I just want to be content. I want to not be sad. Every time I have silence for clarity my mind fills up with everything I've fucked up in my life. I have no space to breathe.