Beautifully Broken

- 33 -

*COLE'S POV*

Fuck

I didn't mean for it to turn into an argument.  I didn't express myself the way I wanted to and now I've screwed up.

I don't actually know how I feel. One minute I'm imagining spending the rest of my life with her and the next I'm balling my fist at the very thought of her. I am sure of one thing:

I want her

So she can be mad at me for a while, but she can't leave me. I'll be around regardless. I wish I could tell her that, find some way to put that in words. I can't believe I screwed something up so bad.

I'm just afraid that once I give into my feelings for her, she'll be taken away.

I slept on the floor last night, right in front of our bedroom door. I'd hoped that she would just forget what I said. After all, the whole argument was because of a stupid comment I made. I had been drinking during that whole meeting. 

Only whiskey could get me through a talk with those idiots.

I came home wanting to spend time with her. That's what she doesn't understand. I could've ended the argument before it even escalated, but part of me was hoping to push her away. I know I can't be the person she needs or deserves.

She can romanticize me all she wants but a devil wrapped in silk is still a devil.

And a horrible person who is loved is still a horrible person.

I bang on the door. Throughout the night all that came from the other side were muffled sniffles. I had an urge to just kick down the door. It would have been too easy, but it wouldn't have solved anything.

"Por favor, abre la puerta." I sigh.
(Please, open the door)

The other side of the door is silent.

"Princesa, I-" I cut myself off.
(Princess)

I don't know what to say.

Do I say I'm sorry?

Do I say I fucked up?

"Just-" I breathe deeply, "I'm going to the office. I'll tell Elijah to take you to training. I'll meet you there later."

I stand up, pressing against the door trying to hear something. The soreness in my back is already showing me what kind of day I'm gonna have. We need to make up soon because I'm not sleeping on the fucking floor again. No way in hell.

***

"I'm gonna need that suit back," Elijah snorts from behind the door. 

"Shut up," I grumble, walking to the kitchen to find something to eat.

Elijah is very much aware of Rose and I's fight. In fact, he heard it. I went across the hall to his place to get ready; just to give her some space.  I swear this morning has been the longest in my life. It's not going to get better either. 

I'm going to go into my office building, do a lot of fucking paperwork. Then I'm going to have to go to the gang house to make sure the security details are running right. I hate security paperwork, that's the worst kind

It's like reading the constitution

"Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say," Elijah states, back facing me and head deep in the fridge.

"What?"

"You need to tell her how you feel," He turns towards me orange juice cartoon in hand.

"I can't do that,"

"Why not?"

"I'm not good enough for her, so might as well not even get her hopes up," I move off of the barstool parked at the island and grab an apple.

"She doesn't care,"

"But I do," I retort, throwing Elijah a look over my shoulder.

"Listen Cole," Elijah pauses, "I should beat your ass for being a jerk to my sister. I still will but in the boxing ring,"

I snort, No, he won't.

"I won't because I know you care about her," He shoots me a sly smile, "I don't know what exactly you're thinking, but I understand what you feel. I'm telling you, as your best friend, just let yourself love her," I shake my head.

"I can't,"

"Yes, you can-"

"I can't lose her E," I frown, "You know as well as I do what happens to loved ones in this business,"

"You're father did it,"

"Yeah and look where he is now. The love of his life and him only found peace in the afterlife. They'll lay together for the rest of eternity next to each other's grave. I don't want that," I sigh, "I won't be able to do it, not with her."

"Is that what this is about? Your mother?" I fail to meet Elijah's eyes.  

"Cole what happened to your mother was horrendous, I stand at your side every day to repair my father's mistakes," He comes around the island.

"But do not mistake your parent's fate with their life. Your father lived every day happily because of your mother. He took a chance. He would have it no other way. No matter how little time he had with your mother."

He sighs, "Do you think if your father could do it all again, he'd pick to not fall in love with your mother just because he knew he would lose her?"

"My father was stronger than me,"

Elijah gives me a pointed look, "You're pushing her away. When you finally succeed you'll never forgive yourself,"

"We repeat what we don't repair," I recall the quote.

I watched my father kill himself in grieving after my mother passed. His pain is something that I never want to encounter. I won't let it repeat. Not with me. 

"Who said it needed repairing?"

Elijah takes the apple out of my hands, placing it on the counter.

"Do you think it's easy for me to have this conversation with you? I love my sister, even if she doesn't believe it. I don't think anybody is good enough for my sister. Not even you,"

I look at him.

"Nevertheless, I'm very observant. I've been in the same room as you two and I know how you look at her. In the middle of your chaos, there's her,"

He continues, "It's a strange concept and I don't understand it,"

"People pray for what you two have and I know you'll be miserable if you let it pass you by,"

"You don't have to listen to me," He bites into the apple that used to be mine. "You've always used your mind when making decisions and it always ends up working, but once, just once,"

"Use your heart."