inevitable

{Before}

Brax

I'm maneuvering the bike in between cars, swerving back and forth at breakneck speed like a madman.

Left. More gas. Right.

My actions are pushing the envelope, and I can't lie to myself that I don't know what I'm doing. This rush has always been my drug.

Swerving faster, tighter.

I brake hard a second before I'm sandwiched between two cars, but the moment I see another opening, I hit the gas again.

Speed. I need more.

Because the speed isn't enough to ease the ache. Nothing can. Not now, not ever. I've taken too much. I've felt too little. I've fought too hard. Fought my way out of hell only to find myself right back in it.

My heart clenches as I picture her face, the innocent smile and bright eyes. I push the image away, back into the part of my soul I can no longer acknowledge. I'm not that guy anymore. I never should have been in the first place.

I hit the gas again and lean forward, pushing the bike faster. I speed through traffic with the wind rushing and engulfing me. I'm only half-aware of the angry, disapproving looks I get from the commuters I've been swerving around and maneuvering around, pressing my bike like a thread through a needle. It is a dangerous and reckless game, but I don't care. The danger should make me feel something. I used to thrive on the speed, used to love the thrill of putting myself in danger, but now, that thrill is gone.

I'm empty.

I've lost too much and now nothing seems worth it anymore. I let loose a bitter laugh that echoes inside my helmet. Just when I finally carved out a future for myself, a dream that I never imagined I was good enough to have, my whole fucked-up life morphed into a nightmare. A nightmare I can't seem to wake up from. I'm done caring about anything. All I want to feel is the speed. I could care less about my own safety, so I push through the dense traffic, desperate to feel something besides to this torturous emptiness inside.

The pain comes sooner than I expect. The twist of my front tire at the exact moment a car swerves in front of me sends me careening in the wrong direction. My vision spins, a mix of blended colors flashes before my eyes, and I feel a gut punch as I'm hit and my bike stops but I don't. There's the loud crunch of metal and the bitter smell of burned rubber as I'm thrown from the seven-hundred-pound machine.

My world starts to move in slow motion. I'm flying through the air and I can see the final blow coming. I've got that sick feeling in my stomach as I watch the ground looming below me. Death surrounds me in that split second, and I recognize it instantly because I've been here before.

I didn't ask for this to happen, but now that it has, I feel relieved. I want all this pain to end.

My body bounces against the asphalt, and I feel every bone crack. This is beyond pain.

Suddenly I'm still, and there is nothing but silence surrounding me. Every breath I take is excruciating. I'm on my back, and through the cracks in the shield of my helmet I can see the blue sky above.

I'll be there, baby.

I'm ready for all of this to end.

It's finally over.

Then the sky is blocked out by a shadow and I feel a body come close to mine. 

A pair of chocolate eyes surrounded by a halo of light look down at me. There's both surprise and agony in those eyes as they slowly take me in.

I whisper, "Baby," and then everything around me goes black.