DOUBLE EDGED A Harper's Book. (Book 10)

Poking The Bear

If you asked me what my feelings were on the life growing inside of me I wouldn't know how to answer. To be honest I've never given motherhood a thought. I've always been perfectly content running my own life, running game's on men and just so busy living my life that having a child never crossed my mind.

Was I perhaps a bit selfish for feeling like life as I know it has now came to an end? Maybe just a little but having to change my lifestyle isn't bothering me much. What is gnawing on my soul like a dog gnaws  a bone is fear. I'm scared shitless more than anything. Let's face it, I know nothing about being a mother nor did I have the best role models in my own childhood. I will fail this. I don't even know how to feed a baby much less take care of it. My palms sweated as the thought of holding something so small and dedicate swam in my mind. Oh God, what if I drop it? Looking up at King who now seemed disgruntled I mumbled. "I can't do this".

Before he could respond my stomach begin to churn and I pushed him aside as I rushed to lean offer the toilet and empty what once was Cheetos. The now slimy orange color that splashed into the toilet bowl only made me sicker. Embarrassment heated my cheeks as I realized that King was standing behind me during the mortifying moment. Between heaves, I screamed. "Get out. Shut the door".

It was so King not to listen to my command but I was in no shape to force him. Once I completed my hurling, I turned the sink water on and splashed my face before brushing a delightful peppermint paste across my teeth. Once freshened up I turned to find King standing there with his arm's crossed and an unreadable glare. Instantly I knew that this wasn't my sweet boyfriend from moment's before, no this was the relentless King I was now facing. My earlier word's must have awakened his inner monster but I'm so overwhelmed, scared and just a bundle of emotions. I opened my mouth to pour my feelings out but King cut me off as he gripped my arm. "You are returning home with me where I'll see to the care of my unborn heir. Once my child is born you are free to go but know this.... You will never be welcomed into my child's life... Ever. I can't believe that you thought for a second that I'd allow you to kill my baby".

His word's struck me so harsh that I was given whiplash. "Kill the baby"? I shrieked.

" King where did you get the impression that I was going to kill the child? "

"Listen to yourself Frankie. It's obvious that you aren't happy with the situation" . He accused.

Okay, I can see why King may think that because yes, it's true, I'm not happy over this news but killing an innocent baby never crossed my mind. I couldn't live with myself if I did something so despicable. The child didn't ask to be put here so why should it be punished because of King and I's lack of responsibility? I'm not happy because I'm so freaking scared. This is all so fresh and I need time to adjust and let it sink in. Tears walked in my eye's and a new emotion emerged... Anger.

Jabbing my pointer finger into Kings chest as I spoke I began my rant. "I never said that so stop putting word's into my mouth. I'd never do something like that. This is all new to me and I don't know how to feel. I'm fucking scared. I didn't know if you'd run off or what when you found out. Now that you've settled that I'm scared for many other reasons. What if I'm a terrible mother? What if I drop the baby or let it starve? I know nothing about babies, never even held one. What if it hates me? This isn't like a puppy where if I get tired of it I can just drop it off at the pound. This is a tiny human being that I'll probably screw up." I paused as my body racked with sobs.

Looking up at King I hiccuped out. "You know what scares me the most? What if I'm like my mom. My own mother didn't want me, didn't love me. What if I'm a failure like her?"

I took a deep, ragged breath and begin to shake my head vigorously. "No. I'll never let my child feel like that. I'll never abandon them and make them feel worthless or unloved. Do you know how bad it hurt when I realized my own parent's didn't want me? I was only four when they gave me away. To this day I still wonder what I did wrong? Why didn't they love me? It hurts so bad". I wailed as I sank back to the floor drawing my knees to my chest and burying my head admits them.

King scooped down and I felt his arm's pull me into him. In a soft voice he whispered. "There is nothing wrong with you, it was them. You did nothing wrong and I hate that you are hurting. As for being a mother, you'll be the best mom ever. Don't worry ginger snap, I'll be by your side every step of the way and I won't let you fail. Together we will not fail. Also you are loved very much and always will be. You and this baby are my world and will be protected with my life".

He went quiet for a minute and I got my crying under control. Looking up at him with red, puffy eye's I asked or more or less stated. "I'm crazy aren't I?"

King  grinned. "Ya think?" Then we both laughed as he continued .

"No, you are not crazy, just scared and worried. I'm sorry if I mistook your word's earlier. It's perfectly normal to feel a mix of emotions . To be honest I was scared too but I know with the both of us and my family we can do this".

He paused again then smiled. "I secretly hope it's a girl with her mother's red hair. Now let's get you off this floor and let you rest".

King lifted me up and tucked me into my bed. Crawling in beside me he begin to stroke my hair. Just as I was entering the first phase of sleep I swore I heard him whisper in my ear. "I will find the one's who hurt you and make them answer to me".