Forever Ruined

Chapter Thirty -Nine

It took all the strength Benjamin had to continue to read. So much pain filled the pages. The needling of guilt began to grow. He knew most of what ails her he is responsible for, perhaps almost completely responsible for.

He remembered the day they realized she was with child. The joy in his heart had overwhelmed him. He never believed children would be a part of his life but then again he never believed love would either.

Clara had a way of bringing him the unexpected, making the ideas take root. Soon he'd find he cannot live without them, but it would seem fate intervened, and she miscarried. Watching the pain, the torment of her heart, tore him apart.

Still, she begged him not to give up, to keep trying. He had out of love for her but they were denied time and time again. Benjamin couldn't help but wonder if this was some sort of punishment for his sins.

Clara never gave up, relentless in her pursuit. She wanted this, a child, a family more than anything in her life. She begged him again. He did not give in though he hated the distance it drove between them.

"Please, Benjamin," she'd softly cry and her heart's desire he could not deny, and then it happened. She carried to term. Those days were some of the best of his life. He not only had the promise of a child but his wife had returned to him. Clara positively glowed. Her joy spilled over, even his staff were affected, the entire house was a jubilant place to be.

Benjamin spent days creating the perfect nursery. He refused to let her see it. Working in secrecy, locking the door behind him. He didn't even give in when she'd pout. "You have given me so much, Clara. Let this be my gift to you."

Benjamin didn't need to say more but he never did get to open that door. The labor pains began late at night. He set out at a fast and furious pace to retrieve the doctor. The screams, the blood, the horror, the doctor demanded someone take him from the room. His child born dead, Clara's life hung by a thread, so tenuous how could it not break?

It took three men to drag him from the room. Somehow she survived, but the event led to their inevitable doom. He buried his child outside the family chapel, a simple marker for the grave, for one Grace Molly McAllister born and died that cold winter day.

The dirt wasn't even cleaned from his hands when a messenger showed up with the King's demand. How could he leave her? Not now? But one does not deny the King of England, Benjamin had to go, he had no choice.

Clara didn't say a word when he told her. Just rolled over in the fetal position in bed clutching a pillow to her chest, knowing she is left to face the pain of life alone. "Clara, please understand, if there was another way..."

Clara refused to look at him. "Just go." Benjamin stroked her hair. He kissed her temple. Praying to God she'd one day forgive him though he knew not how?

He'd always return to her but Clara was now broken. Soon she started to ask again. Benjamin could not - would not put her and him through such torture again. He refused to risk her life but he could not deny her either. She needed to know she was trying.

He had a plan but it would seem it had backfired. She took this trip to India to be fixed wishing to be made whole. If she fails to do so, she all but told him she would not be returning home. Benjamin had to reach Clara before she did anything rash.

Was it already too late? No, he could not think about such things. They only served to cloud his judgment and he must make a plan to get her back at any cost.

It would take another few weeks before he reached India, thanks to the Intel he gleaned from the Whispering Wind's carpenter; he learned the port they planned to enter. This would save him so much time as there were so many ports along the coast where the ship could dock. It may have taken him months to discover the right one. The merchantmen may even have left before he even got the chance to discover her on board.