Letters and Murmurs

Chapter Twenty: Sirius, Goodbye

I woke up feeling myself being shifted into another person's body. I began to panic and soon I was laying on the ground staring up at the studio lights. I breathed in and out heavily trying to focus on anything. I heard the voices around me it was somewhere between a ringing sound and Cheryl, Lisa, and Alex. Cheryl grabbed my arm and help prop me up. I looked at her and my body was shaking. She pulled me close to her. I had given her a little bit of a rundown on why I don't sleep anymore. I force my body to go to the max on what little sleep I can get. Every time I go to sleep though I have the same terrifying dreams. Not the ones from the past anymore but where he comes back.

Cheryl held me close as Zack got down beside me and tried to hand me a water as I calmed down. I shook my head and looked down at the floor. I wanted to sleep but knew it wouldn't be a good idea. I looked at the boys and put my hands out as a 'please help me up'. Zack pulled me up and I jumped to my feet a little. He then pulled me into his body just holding me there. I stood stiff as a board but eventually, I wrapped my arms around him and hit my head into his chest crying. I never realized at that moment how much Zack smelt like him. I began the whole fight or flight again pushing off him and turning to Alex. Alex wasn't going to let me go anywhere.

I knew Zack wasn't going to hurt me. It was just a bunch of bad memories. Lisa grabbed my hand and interlocked her fingers with me. Cheryl kept telling me it was okay but all I wanted to do was scream. I think Rian noticed it. He slowly got me to walk into the sound booth. I sat there alone for what felt like a few seconds. Rian played a set of headphones on me and then walked out of the room. I could see everyone on the other side of the glass. Rian spoke into a mic and I heard his voice in the headphones.

"Go ahead, it's okay. I've muted the audio to out here nothing is recording," He spoke so softly into my ears.

I felt the tears prick at the corners of my eyes first. I moved my hand to wipe the only to feel that no tears were coming. I then began to do the movements and sounds of crying. Eventually, the tears came and I was full-blown crying. I screamed for a little while and part of me knew that Rian hadn't cut the audio as everyone tried not to look at me. Lisa stared at me though and watched me sit there miserably just try and find any peace in my mind. Eventually, she had enough of it and came in holding me into her chest and taking the headphones off me. I sat on the stool and just cried into her chest.

"I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry," I murmured over and over again.

"It's not your fault. None of this is your fault," Lisa said and ran her left hand from the back of my head down my back.

"I wish I would've died," I sobbed loudly as Alex and Rian stood in the doorway connecting the sound room to the studio.

"No you don't," Lisa whispered to me as I just kept crying.

I could tell she was trying to be strong and not cry any more than she already had. It was one thing to bury someone just to find out they aren't dead. I wanted to know what happened at the funeral but at the same time, I didn't. I wanted everything to go back to normal, it would never be normal again though. I eventually calmed down enough where Rian and Alex wanted to ask me questions about what happened. I was invited to the band dinner they were having. Cheryl had been invited along with Lisa. I went even though I was informed by pretty much everyone, I didn't have to.

I sat at a table as everyone had some sort of alcohol or sparkling water. I had just got water to drink. Alex sat beside me and Lisa on the other side of him. I was sitting on the corner and the next closest person to me was Cheryl but in reality, she was across from me. She asked the band questions about what certain countries were like, who were their inspirations, did they ever have back up plans. It finally came to the question I hated most that night.