Losing Control

Chapter 31 // Cute Lay In Days

Phil's POV:

 

I leave in a rush, shutting the door behind me. I feel horrible for doing this to Dan. But I wasn’t thinking. This wasn’t me. I wasn’t... gay? I love Amber. Which reminds me, where am I even going?! I pull my phone out and text Amber asking to drop by for a while, just until things blow over. I’ll call him later. I then realise what I had done. I had cheated on the one I love. I feel sick to my stomach. I was always a person who thought cheating was horrible. How could I cheat! I love Amber and I fucked up.

I step on to the bus, taking a seat near an elderly woman. So many thoughts bouncing around in my head. I can’t tell Amber, it would destroy her. Plus then I’d have no one at all. I’ve completed fucked everything up. ''Are you okay?'' I hear the elderly woman speak to me. I look back at her. ''Uh yeah, why? Sorry for whatever I’m doing.'' I say worrying that I’ve annoyed her. ''You seem tense and you’re shaking.'' She responds. ''Oh sorry, uhm yeah just a bit worried, wish I could get my mind off things.'' I say. I then find myself having a conversation with her. She is such a sweet old lady. She has such an interesting life. We have been talking for a while, seeming Amber’s house isn’t close by. She is telling me a story about her and her husband. Her husband & her, were very close. Their love story is incredible. She was telling me that she met her husband long ago. Got married at only 16. Because back then that’s what happened and it was allowed. Her husband died a couple years back from an incurable disease. I didn’t ask, I didn’t want to make her get upset. It was heartbreaking just to listen. And she told me all about their adventures and the places they went. They fell in love in such a romantic way. Both sides of the family tried to split them but they stuck together, good for them! She was saying that at first she was with another girl but released it wasn’t her and met her husband. It made me think, maybe that was a lot like me?

''So what’s your story, and where is your partner at the moment?'' I pause thinking. I decide to open up to this lady because she shared the most amazing story. I told her all about what I do, such as make videos and stuff. I then go on to tell her the recent struggle of the accident. And my best friend, Dan. I told her all about Amber. I then start to feel sad again. She notices and asks, ''So what’s the problem?'' ''I... U-uh have come across a problem similar to yours.'' She looks interested. I tell her about the comforting Dan, sharing the bed with him. The coming out. The night I had just spent with him. The cheating. I was waiting for her to be disgusted with me but she understood.

''Philip, it looks like you have a lot to think about. If it helps, I think you did the right thing with Daniel. Its love. I can tell. I knew when I met my husband, Calvin, that it was love. Every sign I saw, is what you’re telling me. Its starts with the soft spot. The denial. The casual night with them. But after a while Philip, you’re going to have to face your feelings. Amber will understand. She sounds like a lovely girl. Coming out as gay is a little scary. But spending a life time with your best friend is worth it, and right now, with Amber. You're just wasting time without the one you love. Do what you believe is right though.''

I just sit and take in the information she just gave me. Was she right? She stands and says her goodbyes and tells me her stop is coming. I feel saddened she has to leave. But I have some thinking to do. I sit alone in the rough bus seat. I think about what she told me. I felt it last night, I will feel it again. I’m so confused right now and I can’t take it! I jump up and get off at the next stop and take a cab back home.

****

I rush in searching for Dan. I find him still in my room, sitting on the edge of the bed looking messed up and topless. I walk into my room a little further. ''Dan... I was wrong. I-.'' I get cut off by Dan. ''Save it.'' He stands up. ''Dan please, let me explain. I love you I do! A lady changed my mind for me!'' I beg. ''Phil if you had to be convinced, you will be unsure again.'' He says with an angry tone. ''I had those feelings last night, so they will come back. I know that those feelings I had last night were love!'' I continue. ''Dan, please give me another chance.'' Dan goes quiet for a bit. He then speaks. ''Phil you really hurt me.'' He explains with tear filled eyes. I was so sick of seeing him cry. He didn’t deserve this. I was playing with his feelings. It was my fault. ''I know, I feel horrible. But I came straight back to make it up to you.'' I cried. ''DAN I LOVE YOU OKAY AND ITS HARD FOR ME TO BE STANDING HER IN FRONT OF YOU BUT LATELY IVE REALISED I WANT TO BE NEXT TO YOU, WITH YOU, I WANT BE NEXT YOU AT NIGHT, I WANT TO BE WITH YOU! You make me feel at peace okay. I didn’t want to accept it, but I do. I fucking love you. I want to be with you. Please don’t hate me, I’m sorry, but let me show you. You're the only one I want!'' I hold him close. I then realised he was topless. He looked so incredibly good without a shirt on. His skin was so soft. I just wanted to hold him all day. He looks up and kisses me on the cheek. His lips were so soft also. Why and when did Dan Howell become so perfect? I giggle to myself as I realise I sound like a fangirl. He let’s go and says ''what?'' and also giggles to himself. ''Nothing, I’m just happy to be here with you, plus you look adorable when you cry'' I joke. ''Oh shut up'' he jokes back. ''Wanna film today?'' he asks. I just nod and we then discuss ideas. ''I kinda want it to be about us though, is that weird?'' He tells me. ‘’Dan, we can’t come out to the phandom, no way.'' I reply. ''I mean like without outing anything.'' He inquires.

We ending up just sitting and talking to the camera about the funny/awkward moments we have encountered together. It was nice. I’m sitting here on my bed trying to film with Dan but I can’t stop watching him talk to the camera. The way his face brightens when the camera is on. I just want to tackle him onto the bed and give him a playful kiss. He looks at me. ''Phil?'' he says in his joking, laughing voice. ''Are you paying attention?'' I look back at the camera and come up with an excuse. ''Yeah I just realised I forgot to call my grandma back from like a day ago... Sorry grandma!'' I laugh.

****

That day was one of the happiest days I’ve had. All day Dan & I spent the day laying around in bed. Giving each other kisses. Dan also edited the video, which surprisingly wasn’t too hard to edit. There wasn’t much to cut out. Only a few bits that we couldn’t handle not looking at each other. Or giving each other compliments. So that video went up. The comments were so positive and all the fans loved it which was good. They were all pleased with it. There was a few negative ones too but there always is. We had spent hours just on our phones in bed and night had come. We decided to order some pizza to finish such a perfect day.

~The next day~

 

Dan's POV:

 

I awake and Phil is packing up a few things in a bag. ''You aren’t leaving again.'' I joke. ''No way, why would I want to see anyone but you.'' He smirked. ''Where are you going then?'' I remarked. ''Just to go get you something special.'' He then left the room to shower. I smile happily to myself. I should do something for him. He needs something special. I want to show my love for him. I could finally be happy for myself. His phone which is placed next to mine lights up. It was Amber. I had forgotten about Amber. It was cheating... But a good course I guess. She would understand maybe. Phil will have to tell her sometime later. I know I shouldn’t but I want to see what she said. I slide the phone across and unlock it. The messages read.

''Hey baby, come see me, you never came around yesterday?''

''Of course, missed you heaps Amber, sorry I got caught up with YouTube and stuff.''

''Love you, hurry xx''

I couldn’t believe what I just read. HE WAS DOING IT AGAIN. I can’t believe he would lie and deceive me like this. He is using me! I am nothing to him, am I? He is hurting me and doesn’t care. Why did I even believe it? How could I ever be happy? The smile on my face is now gone. Every hope in me is shattered. This was the last time, I don’t need this. I pack a bag and leave quietly whilst he is still in the shower. This was it, I was all alone. I have always been alone. I don’t get why I even try. Why do I open up to people? I’m sick of feeling. I’m sick of this whole 'living' thing.

****

 

 

I don’t even know what I typed in this chapter it was all just shit tbh. I think I know where I’m going to take off with the ending though. As you all probably know, this phanfic is coming to an end. And yet I have so much but so little left. The ending is when it all takes off I think. So get ready for that. But for now, I’m sorry this chapter wasn’t that great. Thank you for 9.6k! As always please comment/vote. I love feedback c: If anyone has ideas for the storyline feel free to comment them. Also I love seeing your opinions so please do. I’m so bad at chapter titles too oops. Bye for now xx