Behind My Eyes

A.L.I's

Dear A.L.I

I wanted the love. That was my mistake.
Shit my bad, didn't mean to put pressure on you to show me no mind.
I did something for you.
Of corse a task I didn't want to do, something I knew was gonna produce a hated product.
Yeah- I drew and I painted, I tried my best, put what you wanted, used it as a way to make myself feel good about something for a few days.
Used it to keep my head afloat.
To keep my head up for a while. To blur my vision, and speed me up.
Something to excite me, to motivate me, and make me happy.
Using you for the love, that somehow everyone but me gets.
For real, that was on me. Shouldn't do shit like that, I know my fault.
I did it though, I finished it. And to be honest I lied to you.
I liked it, I thought it was cute, I thought I did good.
I told you the opposite, I said what I thought would be your secret truth.
Throwing it away before you could , I guess ...right?
Do that more than ever know.
So unused to complements and interest, so used to wanting it that now, it makes me uncomfortable, makes me doubt, makes me not want it at all.
I never wanted to do it, it was beyond my capability, you know.
I hate it when people say not to say shit like that.
Like just because your comment for yourself is negative you can't say it.
The truth is the truth.
It be like that, sometimes it's not for no attention, it's not for no depressive outbursts.
It's for your information.
It was beyond my capabilities to me.
That was for your information, a fact of the matter.
And the proof shows when you put it right up next to the other person's version.
Because you know? Of course there was another one from someone else.
Like am I dumb?
But seriously I didn't mean to make a big deal out of it.
Should have never told you I cried when I found out.
Couldn't help it.
My fault. Shoulda gave myself an extra day, shoulda stayed away for real.
Didn't meant to put that pressure on you.
You already knew everything right?
What's wrong with me..
The worse part that still hurts, isn't that there was another one for real,even though that sucked for me... nah it was because it was better in every single way.
That hurt. Big time that hurt.
Whoever was entrusted-Fuck, in my mind might as well have been a back up plan.
Da Vinci vs whatever, I woulda picked theirs too.
When it was all straighten out and done.
Man.. insecurities really get the best of you huh?
Never did that before.
Never just wanted or better yet expected something in return.
Reminds myself of a little dog wagging its tail waiting for a treat.
Embarrassing really.
Especially when you know I really want something and fuck me over for real.
Might as well slap myself for that one.
Should never put it on you, like why would I do that? I know.
I really did too.
Wanted that piece I see for others.
Wanted that piece like I could have it too.
Fuck wrong with me.
I thought I knew, better. Thought I learned this shit.
Fam like for real, that's my bad. Completely.
I see it all the time.
A pat on the back, something small.
When you're happy and you're satisfied... I seen it, I swear ..it's like you want the one who made you feel that,feel it too... or no, feel appreciated?
I swear I've done that too.
The same day.... When I thought of you, and gave you a gift of something I knew you liked, because Christmas and why not. Maybe you'll smile you know?
Welp, I mean I guess you felt nothing.
Maybe your too used to me, maybe I was supposed to do it for real.
Used.
like of course I was gonna do it, no question the fuck, I'm me right? I love you right?
Like duh, you wasn't gonna expect otherwise.
Maybe I should have been thrilled and just down right surprised to be given such a big task. Something so important you know.
But still I don't know something about it made me feel too comfortable to I guess.
Maybe I though I deserved it.
Something for my efforts towards your contentment.
Don't know why, just think I caught myself slipping.
I've been getting too comfortable.
Enough to where I felt so insecure as to not only ask you once for you to make a fake ass promise, then text you with no reply, but than go onto asking you in person for something.
Man, in front of people as well... all times.
Super embarrassing, seriously.
I'm becoming so selfish.
Can't believe myself.
But really in the end your response kills me even more.
Of course you were headed there anyways, it was only gonna be one or two extra dollars. But you....
"Why don't I just give you a dollar"
Seriously I can't even say ouch, can't even feel some type way.
Cuz for real like man why did I mess with it.
Shoulda left it alone.
For real I'm so sorry.
Prolly offended you on some real stuff.
I have no right to feel like shit, dude seriously..I did this to myself for real.
I don't know what the fuck came over me.
I've been tripping for real, like I really know better.
It's not normal for me it's not that simple for me, why would I try to fight that like I really know better.
I knew for real. I knew you wasn't fucking with it.
A part of me knows there ain't no love coming this way. And there ain't nun wrong with that either.
For real can't be putting stuff on people. Like shit sorry though.
Lesson relearned I guess.
Don't expect nothing from no body. Of course.
Been there done that 10x over +.
It safe to say I'm not gonna do nun for you no more though.
Consider them sugar cookies the third to last gift,
Don't get me wrong. It's not because I didn't get my way all like that.
Not because of me wanting to be like this or nun. No trash.
At this point though, when I look around and see a smile, a shoulder rub, a conversation, an unforced offer.
And then look at myself and see,...ignore, displeasure, walk away, nothing, forced gesture.
For real it's just like, fuck all of it.
Why show love to someone who don't really give two fucks about you?
On some unrequited shit.
Especially someone who makes it loud and clear as they use you for stuff.
Saying they love it, no it's awesome, no like I'm gonna frame it, like it's for my heaven held aunt, it really means something to me.
But can't do something little as to get me like 2 dollars worth of something little, like slim Jim's?
Like I know I'm tripping I sound dumb I know. Can't help but feel all this.
I'm not mad at you though.
My bad.
Frankly I deserved this for real, all on me I admit it.
Cuz like maybe if I come back from the store, and like join conversation and act normal she won't notice.
Common now, I know I'm not worth them rushed ass side hugs I receive at the other end but like damn.
Now ima just move on and ignore it.
I've gotten all the hints over the year, trust me.
And this time ima do differently.
Don't worry I'm not coming to you for nothing, literally no questions asked.
Sorry for bothering you.
Four words I'm not gonna say out loud.
My bad.
Two I can only feel as well.
My secret confession to you.
Seriously it's not you. I'm the ass hole.
Really.
The second to last gift.
Ima try my best-
When around to just be happy in your presence, to not disagree, no opinions unless asked, I'm just gonna not come to you, not search for you, I don't want nothing.
Not even love.
I don't do pity love, I don't do oh I hurt you love, I do the automatic kind, the everyday kind. The unasked, un deserved, just because it's really there kind.
Let be honest , The kind I ain't see yet though.
Well not towards me anyways.
Yeah don't want nun of that.
Don't want no gifts, no thoughtful gestures, no more conversation.
My bad fam, you don't have to worry about me no more. No more forcing it.
Seriously you know the strain on your face when you lie. The way you hold yourself.
How you furrow your eye brows and look me in the eyes and blink so fucking much like.
Dude. It's fine whatever I don't care anymore.
Ima just leave you alone.
Just gonna leave you alone.
The last gift, would be if I was to finally leave all together.
Whatever I just needed to get this shit out.
Feels like shit but you know, your welcome finally. 
Even though I'm literally lying.
Deal with it.
Happy New Year.

- Karla