Before You Go [N.H]

8.2 - Fall - Back

Lucy's POV

'Hey, Luce!' Niall said in a hopeful tone after I reluctantly picked up the phone.

'Hi Niall...'

'I was thinking you could come over today. Or I could come over. I feel like I haven't seen you in a week. What's going on?'

'Actually... I'm sorry Niall... I'm not really in London anymore?'

'What?' He shouts worriedly.

'Yeah, I went back home. Got here yesterday. Staying with my parents for a while.'

'What? But you hate it there! You told me that you're always depressed there. You've always felt at your worst there. Why would you go there?'

'Because right now, I need to be here.'

'Are your parents okay?'

'Yes, they are.'

'What's going on Luce? You're scaring me. You've been distant ever since I told you about May.'

'I just need some space, Niall.'

'From me?'

'Yes...' I sigh.

'Why?'

'Because, Niall! You used me! I don't want to be a charity case! I don't want to be the ghost of someone. If you're gonna be with me, it has to be because of me. Not because you want to fix up some past mistake through me.'

'But that's not true! Luce! I love you! I'm in love with you! It's not about May. It's about you. It's about us!'

'Maybe now it is. But it didn't start that way.'

'Why does that matter? What's important is now. And now I love you. Now... I need you to come back home. Come back to me...'

'I'm sorry Niall. I need some space. I need a break.'

'Why didn't you tell me that face to face? Why didn't you talk to me before you left?'

'Because I don't think I would've if I saw you again.'

'So what you just run away? What's that gonna fix?'

'I'm not running away. I just can't think rationally in the middle of it all. So I had to pull myself away from the situation. I can't figure out how I feel about it all and about you if I'm constantly with you. I need to see if I'll miss you. if I'll need you. I need to see how I feel about that. And I can't do that if you're always around.'

'I can't help but feel like I'm losing you. I don't wanna lose you.' He cries, breaking my heart. 'I can't lose you too. Please come home.'

'I will eventually. You gotta be patient and stay hopeful.'

'How can I know you're okay if we're not talking? You've been doing so well lately. And now you've gone back to where it all started and you're pushing me away. How am I supposed to not worry about you? I'm worried about you. What if you get bad again? What if something bad happens and I can't help you?'

'I don't need your help,  Niall. I can take care of myself. I've always had. Way before you came along.'

'Didn't seem like you were doing a good enough job from where I'm standing.'

'What's that supposed to mean?'

'It means you weren't happy before I came along. You were broken and couldn't feel anything for anyone. I was able to change that. I brought the colours back into your life. Are you willing to lose that again over nothing? Are you willing to give that up and go back to the way things were? Feeling purposeless and worthless? Do you really wanna go back to that? Do you really want to give me up?'

'I'm not giving you up! I just need to figure stuff out. I need to breath out for a while. Why is that so bad! I'll be back.'

'It is bad! Of course, it is! Because there is no guarantee that when you do come back, you'd want to come back to me! Maybe you'll move on.'

'Didn't you say you love me?' I ask.

'I do! I swear I do!'

'And don't you think we should be together and that you can make my life better?'

'Yeah, I'm trying my best to achieve that...'

'So if you believe that it's true, shouldn't you have faith that I'll see it too and come back to you soon enough?'

'I guess soo...'

'Well, there you go. And so, the sooner you let me go, the sooner I can come back to you.'

'Alright. I will. Promise me that if things get bad again you'll let me know.'

'Niall...'

'No! Even if you don't want me to do anything about it. Even if you still want me to give you your space, I will. But just promise me you'll let me know when you're not okay. I don't wanna wake up one day with some tragic news coming out of nowhere. Not again.'

'Nothing bad is gonna happen! I promise! I'm fine!'

'Just promise me you'll let me know goddammit!' He shouts.

'Okay! Alright! I promise I'll let you know if I'm not okay.'

'Thank you.'

'I'm gonna go now.'

'Okay...' He sighs sadly.

'Niall?'

'Yeah?'

'Take care of yourself please. I know you heard that I million times before. But it really isn't your fault. Things just happen... We live in a shitty place and every day there's a hundred things bringing us down. And yeah, we're bound to break sooner or later. Each person has a different way to deal with it. Sometimes it's healthy and sometimes it's not. And sometimes, it costs a life. It's sad. But all we can do is do our part in making this a better place for everyone. A kinder place. A more welcoming one. Safe from any judgment. Any bullying. A safe place full of acceptance, tolerance and love. You can't keep living in the past. Live your life in a way so that she'll look down on you and think, "I'm so proud of him! He's doing great things!" she might be gone, but she'll always be a part of you. And that's okay, that's good.'

'Thank you, Lucy. I'll let you go now. Hopefully, you'll be back in no time. Enjoy your time at home. Don't lock yourself too much in your bedroom though. Maybe go see your old friends.'

'Niall...' I warn him.

'Okay, okay! No helping! Take care.'

'You too...'

'Bye Lucy...'

'Bye Niall.'

I hang up the phone and throw my face back into my pillow. Trying to get back to sleep, because that seems like all I do lately. Just sleep. I told Jamie I'll be staying at home for a while. She didn't like it any more than Niall did. But at least I'm staying in touch with her. I just couldn't stay in London. I couldn't keep being around Niall like everything is fine. I don't know... Maybe I'm overthinking. Maybe what he did isn't that bad. Maybe he really does love me so much now and that's the only thing that should matter. 

I always do this. I don't know why. I keep doubting him. I doubt everyone. And I always expect the worst from them. This isn't any different. I'm so sick of shutting everyone off and pushing them away. It only makes me feel lonely. And that's on me. Why am I like this? I deserve to love and be loved. He loves me... I do love him too... Don't I? The thing is with doubting everything and everyone, I'm a the top of the list. I always doubt my feelings for him. Maybe if I'm away from him I'll be sure. 

Maybe if I missed him. Maybe if I felt like I'm suffocating without having him around, without his embrace. If I felt like my life is just so dull and meaningless without him, without his trips, without him always getting me to try new stuff, without listening to him sing and me singing along. Maybe if everything stopped making sense because he's not here. Maybe then I'll finally believe that I'm in love with him. And maybe then I can come back to him, guaranteeing that I won't leave again, and he wouldn't lose me. I'd hate to be the one causing him pain. I know I'm hurting him now. But better hurt a little now and make up for it later, than hurt a lot later with no sign of it stopping.