The Gang Leader's Girl

33. Unwanted Call

I love her, and that's the beginning and end of everything.

- F. Scott Fitzgerald

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In all my 17 years of life, I have never been to an amusement park, so when Axel told me we were going to one tonight I was little (and by little I mean totally) lost as to what I should expect. What do you even wear to an amusement park?

I sat on my bed looking at the catastrophe I made, clothes littered around my room, some on the floor and others scattered on my bed. I had absolutely nothing to wear.

Well, nothing that I felt was good enough to wear that is.

I threw myself back onto the bed looking up at my ceiling, I felt anxious. My stomach was a mess and my chest was tight, there was so much pressure for tonight that it made me want to run away from it all, but I knew I couldn't.

It's easy to run away, to let yourself forget and convince yourself that it's just the way things have to be, but in reality that's not true at all. You could stand up, you could do what makes you happy, you could try over and over again until finally everything just works out.

But I think a lot of people, including myself are more afraid of things going absolutely right then they are things going to complete shit. People like me prepare for the worst, we prepare to be let down, we prepare to become a distant memory or be forgotten altogether, I think in a twisted way we find comfort in it.

So when what we plan for doesn't exactly turn out that way it creates vulnerability, because now we have no game plan, we have no strategy to protect ourselves. It allows an opening to be hurt, to be heartbroken, it makes an opening for a person to do damage that's no one has done before.

But it also allows warmth to seep in and creep up to your cheeks and turn them red, to smile at a simple thought of them, to have your mind wandering off to them at the most random moments and maybe, just maybe to swell your heart and make you feel loved.

I have always thought I was better off on my own but now I'm not so sure, maybe I don't want to be on my own anymore. Which makes this situation even harder if tonight doesn't go well.

I pulled myself off of the bed, sighing in the process. I was reminded by the mess I made in my room that I have still not picked out an outfit for tonight. Looking over at the alarm clock on my nightstand my eyes widened, it was already after 4:30 pm so school had already let out for the day.

Which told me that I needed to stop procrastinating and get ready. Remembering that Axel said to dress warm and comfortable I decided to grab a pair of light blue skinny jeans with a few rips at the thighs and paired it with a dark maroon t-shirt that had thin, black stripes that went horizontally across it. I finished the look off with a plain black bomber jacket and knock off black and white vans.

I looked at myself in the mirror, not sure if I was pleased with the look. Was it too casual? Should I dress up more? Suddenly feeling like the outfit wasn't good enough, I grabbed a simple crystal necklace that had been on the dresser since I moved in and put it on. The crystal was completely clear but it brought the whole outfit together.

I didn't bother to brush my hair again, in fear that it would just cause the waves to just become a frizzy mess on my head. I did notice though, that my dark brown hair had seemed to grow a couple of inches over the months I've been here. Probably because I've actually had a chance to take care of it, unlike my last foster home where I had restrictions on showers.