Androphobia

ix. panic

Die For You - The Weeknd

THEA'S POV:

I felt like I was choking. His touch. His cologne. His warm embrace. Every aspect of him bombarded me in a single moment, leaving me senseless and at his mercy. I couldn't see, couldn't breathe. Static filled my ears and bright blinding lights flashed before me, reality falling upon me like a heavy stone. I could feel his strong arms locking me against his chest and his every plane of muscle behind me.

Short little gasps escaped my mouth as fear swarmed me like a bunch of insects. No. No, no, no, this was all wrong. This wasn't supposed to happen.

Synn grew still and reluctantly loosened his arms, his face morphing into one of concern when he saw my expression. "Thea?" he breathed, his large hands grasping my shoulders, "Baby, why are you crying?"

Tears came free falling as I shuddered. I couldn't breathe, couldn't function. All I could think about was those hands touching me: what if he'd hurt me? What if he'd grab me again? What if he'd pin me down and have his way? All comfort I'd experienced with the man dispersed within an instant, washed out of my mind by waves of terror. He was huge, he was strong, he was fast.

He was going to hurt me.

"Get away from me!"

A scream ripped through my throat and I tore out of his arms. Synn staggered back as I fell to the ground and grasped desperately at the snow, sobs racking through my body. I had to get away. I had to leave. I had to breathe.

"Thea... Thea, what's wrong? What did I do? What's wrong?" the man suddenly asked, his eyes flashing with alarm as he stood there.

"I said get away!"

He was nothing but a black blur as I scrambled back, sobbing. I twisted and turned my head, hair falling into my mouth as I cried. He'd touched me. He'd held me. Why did he do that? He looked so distressed, so hurt with his mouth twisted into a frown and his brows pinched together. But it was a lie. It was all a lie.

"Get away from me!" I shrieked. "Don't touch me!"

I shuddered and my elbows collapsed under my weight, struggling with the urge to breathe. Suddenly, my hands rushed for my throat. Why couldn't I breathe? Why couldn't I breathe? I scratched at the skin, desperate for air to enter, but it wouldn't. Lying on my back, tears poured down my cheeks and I wailed. My nails dug and tore but it did no good, my chest heaving as I kicked at the snow.

All of a sudden, Synn was on top of me. He grabbed my hands and yanked them away. Eyes widening, I tried to shove him but his grip was too strong, too gentle.

"Thea, Thea, look at me. Look at me, baby. You need to stop. You're going to hurt yourself," he pleaded. I could see the panic in his eyes. So much fear. I never thought I would see him beg. He was right above me, his large frame over mine, his necklace dangling, his hair messily falling over his face as he held my writhing wrists. I shook my head fervently, choking, gasping. I needed to breathe.

"Ge-Get off me," I croaked as fresh tears pricked my eyes. "Don't to-touch me. I can't-"

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Please!"

Realisation fell upon his features. He stared down at me, his face twisting with emotion as hair stuck to my face and I heaved for air. I begged him with my eyes and hoped he could see it.

"I'm not leaving you," he said softly, "I'm not leaving but okay, I won't touch you. I won't touch you, perdóname."

[Forgive me.]