The Mathematician (Book 1)

16. Naked Truth

Less than a week. There was less than a week until my time with Harry was over, and then I was off to college to pursue my dream.

So how come I all of a sudden felt so unprepared and not-ready to go?

Staring at the sixth assignment, which I had finished about half an hour ago, I kept chewing at my lip as the thoughts raced through my head.

My whole life had been about going to med school. Well, ever since I realized I could help people this way, by becoming either a doctor or a nurse or some sort of caretaker. I just knew I had wanted to help people at a very young age, because nobody had been there to help me when I had needed it and I didn't want anyone to feel that kind of pain and loneliness. I remembered feeling rejected and confused, every time my mom would abandon me for one of her boyfriends or the times she forgot to come to my school plays. I used to love acting. We did plays like Romeo and Juliet, and while I was never a sucker for the love story, I did quite envy the way Romeo pined after Juliet, enough to follow her into death.

I remembered wondering if my mother would even grieve if I died.

It wasn't until I became older that I realized she had a condition. She didn't function the way everyone else did, because of the way her brain was wired, and that wasn't my fault. I was completely lovable, despite her lack of showing it to me. It was just that she wasn't capable.

But in my darkest hours, even whilst knowing what I did now, I sometimes felt as if... as if there was still something wrong with me. After all, she had no trouble loving all those men, did she? So how come she couldn't give me the same attention?

These were the reasons I had chosen to go into medicine, because I wanted to be able to help others feel informed about what to do in situations like these. I had felt so lost whenever she went off her meds, so clueless whenever she lashed out and had one of her episodes. Nobody told me what to do in those moments, how to survive and continue on. And it had left a mark.

There was a hurt little girl still hiding inside me, still affected by what happened back before I knew. A person who sometimes came out whenever my mom had one her episodes today, and it still hurt just the same, but at least I knew now what to do; Soldier on and remember it wasn't about me. I wasn't the problem. I wasn't... unlovable.

A tear trickled down my face all of a sudden. I didn't realize until I felt a salty taste on my lips, and I frustratedly wiped it away with a curse.

Ever since I had come here, I had been feeling different than I normally did. It was like something inside me had changed, and I had a feeling I knew what had done it.

Harry's words back in the pavilion had resonated deeper inside me that I had led on. I had tried not to think too deeply about it, but as I stared at the sixth assignment, done and finished now, I couldn't help but think about where I was headed when all of this was finally over.

And if I still wanted it.

'I think you're still trying to figure out who you are.'

I sighed deeply and closed my eyes. Figuring out who I was. For a long time, I thought I was someone who needed to take care of people. To help people, so they would never be helpless like I had been.

But after being here and being in Harry's presence, learning from him and taking in his wisdom words of how maybe I had let my mother dominate too large a part of my life, I wondered... if I was a person who was meant to help people... or if it was the little girl inside me that still wanted help?

Drying my eyes once again when I felt a few more tears fall down, I wiped my cheeks and sighed a last time.

Maybe I wasn't meant to take care of other people. Maybe I was meant to take care of myself. Maybe there was a part in me that was still broken and had thought that helping others would be the cure. Since I knew I could never personally help my mom and receive the gratitude I deserved from her, after all those years of bailing her out and being there for her unrequited, maybe I had thought that being there for others would heal my own wounds.