Alive [Woogyu] ~English ver.

Unique Part

"Hi Woohyun, it is SungGyu, it has been a long time, right?" Maybe you forgot about my existence. I hope you don't, actually. Anyway, for my part, I didn't forget you. You may wonder why I am writing you a letter now as we haven't seen each other for years. Besides, with the way we left last time, you certainly thought you would never hear from me again. To tell the truth, I didn't want to talk to you anymore, I just wanted to forget you and leave this period behind. But did you know? I didn't succeed. Instead of that, I was often thinking of you, and I wasn't fine during these two years without you. Well, I think everything was good for you, as always, so it is okay for me. At the beginning, I have to tell you that I envied you. You always had a good life, and a great best friend, isn't it? So great that you don't see him now... I hope you don't blame me too much, but I had my reasons and I will explain them to you in this letter.

So, I was saying that you always had what you want, a good family and a natural beauty that attracted girls. And you didn't dislike it. Anyway, you always made easy contact and got along with others. Not like me. People always squeezed me out and I, I kept to myself because I didn't want to talk to anyone. I was well by myself. Music was my only friend. It was always here when I wasn't well, most of the time actually, and calmed me down. I created my own bubble and didn't let anyone near it. But I met you, and you weakened little by little that bubble. I still remember the day we met as if it was yesterday. It was during the first grade of high school. One day, I was coming back home from school and you approached me to ask if there was a pc room in the neighbourhood, because you were new there. I showed you the way a pc room not far from there, where I went sometimes. And you asked me if I studied in the local high school. I just nodded and you smiled saying that we would see each other often because you will enter that school. I was scared about that to happen, so I quickly bid you goodbye before scooting off to my apartment. The way you talked to me, without any criticism or pity, like nobody before, except my mom when she was alive, you were already beginning to come close to my bubble. Since that night that disturbed and frightened me. The next morning, after an agitated sleep, I arrived at high school and I sat at my usual seat, next to the window, at the front of the classroom. I tried to sleep on the table, music in my ears, until the teacher came in. So, I raised my head and stopped the music. And then, I saw you at the doorstep waiting for the teacher to introduce you. You noticed me too and smiled at me. I instantly averted my eyes. I felt terribly queasy at that moment. You ended up coming in and you introduced yourself: "Good morning everyone! My name is Nam WooHyun! Please take care of me." And obviously, you sat next to me, because it was the only one free table as nobody wanted to sit close to me. I thought that you sat there because it was the only possibility, not because you wanted it. Since everyone was acting like that with me, why would you be any different? I had that kind of thoughts. But, do you remember? You greeted me and said that you were happy to be in my class as you didn't know nobody else. I answered that you didn't know me more than the others and I turned my head towards the window. After that, you tried to talk to me, but I ignored you. The days after, you followed me everywhere because you wanted to be my friend while everyone was telling you to not hang around me. They said that I was asocial, not interesting and useless. But you didn't care, so I thought that you will realize by yourself that I was worthless, and you would stop following me. Despite that, you got along with everyone. After a few weeks, you didn't stop following me. So, I decided to listen and talk to you. I was already starting to develop attachment to you. Time passed and you weakened more and more my loneliness bubble. Thanks to you, I learned to approach life with a bright new perspective. You were the sun in my gloomy life. You succeeded in making me smile and laugh, even if, most of the time, I did it only in my thoughts, without showing anything. Little by little, with you by my side, I was less introverted, and I was a little more self-confident. The way other people looked at me was a little different too. Perhaps because I seemed less pitiful. I guess you are bored reading this, right? Sorry, it came like this, but I wanted you to know what you brought to my grim life. At that time and two years ago, I still couldn't express my feelings to you. But now, in this letter, I want to be honest with you. To tell the truth, I loved you at that time, and I still love you now. I can't forget you. It is silly, I know. You must be in shock, right? Don't blame me too much. I feel so relived now that I said it to you. I don't ask you to accept anything. I want you to live your life happily with your family and to not think about me anymore. That was the reason I left two years ago. I don't want to be a burden. And that was true that seeing you happy with girls was at first enough, but then, it became truly hard for me. Then, I thought the best solution was to get away from you and forget about you. But I didn't succeed, I thought about you every day. Maybe, you forgot about me, and in that case, I can just be sorry. I wanted you to know, in order to be relieved. I am so selfish. There is one more thing I kept hidden from you. You don't really know how I became such a gloomy person. You never asked and I never told you about that. I don't think it was because you didn't want to know but you most probably waited for me to tell you by myself. Am I right? I am a little late, sorry. I can stop making apologies, it is boring right? Sorry, but I can't do anything else than being sorry. Anyway, you were here for me when I needed it, and this was the most important. For my part, I never told you because I didn't want it to change our relationship that I cherished more and more. I presume that I was afraid to have the way you look at me change, because you would pity me. I didn't want an unease between us, or you to feel bad for me. You had such a happy life that I didn't wish to cast a shadow over it. But in this letter, I will tell you all about this. You vaguely knew that my mum deceaded, but not the reason. To tell the truth, my mum was suffering from a rare hereditary disease that caused her to have a high blood pressure. And as this is a hereditary disease, she transmitted it to me. So, since I was young, I always took medication et was regularly examined. My mum blamed herself a lot for being sick, transmitting it to me and making me live like this. This hypertension ended up attacking her kidney. She began suffering from kidney failure and doctors didn't notice it in time, thus they could not do something. She could have a transplant, but it was too late. It already reached other organs. This happened when I was 8 so, I didn't understand well at that time. Nevertheless, I understood that she wasn't here anymore and that I would never see her again. I then missed her a lot and I still miss her now. My father missed her a lot too. He never coped with my mother death and started to reject me because I made him think about her and her disease. It was just a few times, but you came to my home, and you didn't see him because he was working a lot, in order to avoid me and to think about other things. When I left home for my studies, he ended up stopping calling me. It's then that I found out that he left the country. From that moment, I was like an orphan. But you were here. You were here to make me smile and forget about my troubles. When I was looking at you, I could not think about anything else. You never knew but you became my reason to live. Even though you brought me a lot of pain too. Humans are a little masochistic when they are in love, right ? Don't blame yourself about that, this concerns only me. I should not have loved you. That is why I left you, that day, and I pretended to have a quarrel based on nothing. Since that day, I have been so lonely, but I could not go back in time. And then, I saw you a few times in the campus, you seemed happy without me. It was better like this. Anyhow, how could you be happy with a wretched man like me ? You could not have been, and you would have rejected me. Then, I kept going to the hospital to be examined and my condition was not improving, at the contrary, it was getting worse. I started to develop a kidney failure, like my mom did. I needed a transplant, and it was likely that my body would reject the graft. Anyway, I did not have any family anymore, nor someone could save me. So, I decided to wait until the end in the hospital, like my mom did. That was my destiny, dying the same way that my mother did. That is what my life is all about now. That is all said now. Thank you for being by my side, even if it did not last long. Do not try to come visit me at the hospital, I do not want you to see me in that condition. I would prefer you to remember me being healthy and a little joyful. Anyhow, the end is near now, so maybe you would not have the opportunity to see me again. And maybe, by the time you read this letter I would already be gone. Anyway, only god knows. Thank you for reading my letter until the end, I feel better now that I told you all about that. I am finally able to leave in peace now. Sorry for being this selfish. It is true that I am letting you with all this to deal with, but I know you will end up forgetting about me and live happily with your family, without me. I simply hope we will be able to meet again in another life and this time, in happier circumstances. Goodbye, Woohyun. Live a good life and do not skip a meal, ok ? And especially, do not cry. I do not deserve your tears. Goodbye. See you in another life, ok ?