Through My Eyes |PJM Fanfiction|

~56~

No way...

This can't be happening...

This...

You feel your entire body suddenly become suffocated by the misery creeping up your spine and threatening to swallow you up, your throat drying out as you simply stand up and straighten your jeans.

"Okay...thank you doctor..."

"I'll give you some time to talk to your mother and make a decision...I need to respond to the hospital by the end of the week..."

You fight the urge to allow the tears that litter your eyelashes release as your feet carry you out of the office and down the hallway, your own body movements alien.

How...

How am I going to pull this off...

When you finally reach your mother's room you simply look at her laying in the bed staring out the window, her eyes shifting to look over at you.

"Hey Honey..."

"Eomma."

"Honey...come sit, we need to talk."

"I don't want to sit."

"Alright...then I'll get right to the point..you're so much like your father."

All you can give her is a blank stare as she pulls her body up to rest on the pillows, her hands nervously fiddling with the thin white blanket covering her body.

"There's no need for it."

"What?"

"The double treatments. There's no need for them."

You feel like all the air is knocked out of your system as you stare at your mother, her gaze never meeting yours as you grip the doorframe.

"The...the doctor though...he said you could end up on a road to recovery..he said-"

"Honey he's been saying that for six years. They have told me the same thing they are telling me now for six years. If I stop now...I can have a somewhat quality life with what I have left...plus the center is closer to where your boyfriend lives-"

"So you're just gonna give up? Just like that? Eomma if...if it's the money I-I can pay it I'll find a way I'll get another job I can-"

"Stop."

You look at your mother and see the way she looks at you, her weak features tight with agitation as she shakes her head.

"No. Honey I have watched your entire live become swallowed up with me and this treatment money. What about when one day I pass? What will you have?"

"Don't say that."

"I'm saying it. As long as you're paying all of this money for this you are going to have no life. Everything is going to go to what?"

You can feel your knees growing weak underneath of you as you cast your gaze to the floor, angry tears beginning to roll down the cheeks.

"Eomma...you're all I have left in this world...you can't just give up like this...I haven't given up...I've suffered all these years and worked myself to almost death for you to fight...how could you do this to me?..."

"Honey, I'm doing this FOR you. My life on this earth...it's going to come to an end someday, and I cannot lay here in this bed and watch you get pulled down with me. You're young, you have Jimin and Jungkook who need you, you have people that can't wait to see you everyday. You need to be able to be a regular twenty-three year old."

"I am a regular twenty-three year old! I'm fine with this! I'm fine with this being my life! Eomma I just want you to live!"

"Honey I'm not going to live a week if I take those treatments again! Don't you understand?! I'm trying to tell you this the sweetest way I possibly can! Please do not deny me the right to live the rest of the life I have left in this earth without chemicals pumping through my system!"

Your eyes widen in shock when you see the tears rolling down your mom's soft pale cheeks, her voice a cracking whisper when she practically pleads with you.

"Honey...I want to go see your father...I'm ready..the love of my life...he's waiting for me...he's calling my name...I want to be able to meet him not like this...I want him to hold me again...I want to see him...plus...you have Jimin now...Honey by the way your eyes sparkle when you talk about him..."

"I don't know what love is Eomma. I can't tell if I love Jimin or not. He doesn't look at me the way Appa looked at you...Jimin can't even see me...how could he actually love me..."

You don't have to see love Darling, you feel it. When you feel it you will know, because you would rather die than live a day without it."

Something inside of you at that moment snaps when you look at the way your mom's eyes are sparkling, her hands fiddling with the wedding ring laid on her lap.

That's it...

That's what it is..

She wants to die...

I'm standing here listening to my mom tell me she wants to die.

"So...that's it?...you want to die?...because of Appa?.."

"Not because of him Honey. Your life on this earth is going to be so long and so prosperous. At your age you were already a year old...I was living this beautiful dream life with the love of my life. I'm ready for this baby. I want to be able to meet your boyfriend not hopped up on all of this to where I can barely speak half the time...I want to wear my clothes and not feel like my skin is crawling. Please Honey...please support me..."

"You want me to support you dying..."

You grip the frame of the door almost desperately as you can feel every nerve ending inside of your body tightening up around your chest, only small breaths the only thing you can seem to muster.

"I want you, to live. I want you to start living for you baby. This is no life."

How...

How can I pay back for what I've done...

Why...

Why does this have to happen to me...

Why does my dad have to be dead and my mom to want to die...

All you can do is reach down and weakly pick up the duffle bag you dropped on the floor as you turn and begin walking down the hallway, your hand gripping the shirt of the doctor as he passes by.

"We want the home center. My mom has made her decision."

"Alright...it'll take about two weeks for her to be transferred there...we'll go ahead and immediately stop the treatments so she's in better shape-"

"I don't give a shit what you have to do, just make it happen."

"Y-Yes Miss Min..."

When you let go of the doctor's shirt you stagger down the hallway and use the rail on the wall to help support your body, waves of misery and pain all crashing down on you over and over, like you're lost in an endless tide that threatens to swallow you whole.

What is my purpose for life if I can't pay back for what I've done...

What am I going to do...

It's...over.....

(A/N): I just wanna start by saying, I'm sorry XD