My life

1/22/20

so the last time i updated you guys i was talking about how everything changed and what i've been doing recently. i actually haven't been doing much i've just been going to school and getting high half the time. i've also been going to my cousins house for the weekends because it's nice to leave the house every so often other than going to school. my mom and my cousin joke about how it feels like they're sharing a custody agreement with me and it's funny since they're right.

i'm gonna talk about my feelings for a bit bc i need to spill out some stuff without judgement. so recently i've been getting depressed again. at first it just felt like anger. i would be mad over literally everything for a couple days. and when i say mad i mean i would get slightly irritated over small things. i thought it was just because i didn't get much sleep so everything bugged me. after a couple days it started turning into sadness and i didn't think much of that either cuz i've always gotten upset over small thing i've always been sensitive. then it started happening every day. i started feeling like i was alone constantly. even when i'm with a huge group of people and we're all laughing and having fun i just feel like i'm the outcast of the group or like when i'm with family and we're having a good time i just feel like they don't want me there. then i started getting like angry suicidal. i talked to my best friend about it (the one that's homeschooled she reads these) hey gray👋. but like i was thinking of every possible way i could kill myself without making it look like suicide. it was always gruesome like someone slingshotting a rock through a window and going through my eye or getting into a serious car accident. one night while i was telling gray about my thoughts i had like a really bad mental breakdown. like i was crying but i was crying so hard that i wasn't making noise. if that makes sense. i was at my cousins house at the time so it's good that no noise was coming out bc i didn't want her to hear. so the next day i was on my way home with my mom and she was talking to me and she notice that something about me was off and like all day the smallest things upset me and i would try so hard not to cry. the day after that i was in school we had midterms and right after the test they would send all the people finished to the cafeteria so we didn't have to sit in silence the entire time and since i have no friends in school i was sitting alone then i saw my bf walk in and he didn't see me so he sat all the way across the cafeteria than me. i looked around and saw how everyone was so happy and i had to force myself not to cry because i was in school but for some reason i almost cried bc i saw everyone talking and laughing having a good time and then there was me. alone. i know there's nothing i could've really done about it but i felt like an outcast. i've always had at least one person with me in school so i never had to feel that way but since i have nobody at this point i felt like such an outcast it physically hurt. today i didn't feel like that bc i sat alone for like 5 minutes then a kid i don't usually talk to all that much saw i was alone and sat with me. we started talking about this one girl i use to be friends with and i told him i've been thinking about her a lot and i miss the friendship we had. i don't miss her tho. she sent nudes to my ex while we were dating and lied to my face about it. she was always toxic but we had a lot of fun together. i miss the things we use to do and all the fun we had. i was always happy when i was with her because we would always find something fun to do but now that i'm depressed again nothing seems fun anymore. yesterday i was supposed to go play lazer tag with an old friend and someone else but my old friend had to babysit so we couldn't. i wish i had more people in my life. like they don't even have to be real friends i just wish i had people to talk to. i've been feeling so alone lately that all i do is smoke. it's gotten so bad that i don't even get high i just get buzzed. i got payed for babysitting my cousins baby and i spent it on a new bowl and weed.

anywho my mom was supposed to put me on birth control like a year ago and she still hasn't. she tried to get some online but she didn't get approved for it so now i'm relying on my cousin to take me to planned parenthood if she has time sometime this weekend. i doubt its gonna happen but it's fine. i only want it so i don't get my period because i am so sick of spending money on tampons. they're so expensive now that it's literally outrageous. i remember when i was younger a box of tampons use to be so much cheaper and now they're like $10 for a small box. it's so stupid. they labelled them as a luxury item but there's nothing "luxury" about sticking a wad of cotton in your vagina. my mom thinks i have an abnormal uterus like her and i'm scared because if i have kids later on it could cause me to miscarry or something like that.

so the most embarrassing thing happened to me today. i went into my history midterm and i sat down in a seat in the front. i didn't notice the papers had names on them so i almost took someone else's test for them. i told the person in the room that i filled out the wrong papers and he told me we will just cross off the name and put mine on there and then the history teacher came in and was like "once i scan this it will put all the answers in under her name so your going to have to transfer everything you wrote to your paper" it was just awkward because everyone in the room now knows i fucked up.

welp i'm gonna end this now i just needed to vent and i had a little free time. adios amigos lol i'll talk to you soon