The Mathematician (Book 1)

18. "Go"

I woke up to sunlight.

Squinting my eyes in the bright light streaming in through the windows, I turned automatically to shield myself, but then instantly froze as everything rushed over me all at once.

I was leaving today. Today was the day I left Harry and started my new life, and...

Today of all days was the day I woke up and found him sleeping right next to me.

Sleeping on his side, snoring quietly against his pillow, his face all relaxed in a peaceful sleep, I couldn't take my eyes off of him as I watched him actually sleep. 

Throughout the whole summer... every morning I'd woken up, he'd been up and gone from the bed, like the previous night had meant nothing to him—done nothing to him, but of course today of all days... today he chose to be sound asleep besides me.

The day I knew would be the hardest to get up.

Watching him sleep so calmly, I pressed my lips together and I felt the tears well up in my eyes. Oh, God. Not again with the tears.

I still wanted to hate him. I wanted to hate him so badly, but I just couldn't. He had given me exactly what I had asked for this summer, so how could I possibly hate him?

Last night had been... a mistake. I had been ruled by my emotions and acted on behalf of them, and today I couldn't help but feel like I had ruined something. Because as I watched Harry now, I finally realized what that dinner had been about yesterday.

It had been his way of trying to say goodbye – to leave it on good, friendly terms.

– And then I showed up in his room last night, caught in a fluster of emotions and instigated what now was becoming the hardest thing I'd ever had to do.

I ruined the perfect goodbye and now I was doomed to suffer the goodbye I knew would hurt so much more than it would have if I had just... stayed in my room last night and not given in.

Because now I couldn't get his taste off of my lips before leaving this place.

You really fucked it up, didn't you.

Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and then forced myself to slip out of the bed, feeling everything inside me ache and protest as I stepped onto the cold floor and picked up my robe. My body wanted to stay, wanted to curl up to him and hold him, but I knew if I did that, there would be no more use in pretending. I wouldn't be able to hide it anymore.

Tying on my robe, my head suddenly turned as I tiptoed to the door to slip out without waking him. My eyes turned and took a final look at the man who had somehow stolen my heart, watching him sleep soundly and completely oblivious to the fact of how much hurt I was feeling at the moment.

Goddamn it, why did he have to be so... him?

Smiling weakly, I exhaled deeply and then slowly turned for the door, knowing I would remember this moment for a long time to come as I walked out on him.

Maybe I hadn't broken him last night... but he had slept besides me this morning, and for some reason, even though it hurt...

That was enough.

~~~

I was packed. Showered. Completely cleaned up and ready. I had passed on breakfast, simply because my stomach was in too many knots to get anything down. I hadn't seen Harry since I left him this morning, but I had heard the maids bustling around downstairs, bringing in his breakfast and morning paper.