Fragile Bones

Chapter Eighteen

TW - slight sexual assault

Last night had been a very eventful one. Going to Asher's house to eat dinner was the last thing I had expected to do. The thought of what I made myself do in his bathroom has been lingering in my mind ever since it happened. Skipping some meals was one thing, but purposely throwing up was another. I had read about bulimia, how the bile could damage your teeth and your intestines. That wasn't a path I wanted to go down. Even so, the fact that vomiting was always an option when I was forced to eat too much still brought me a little comfort, and that thought sickened me in itself.

Asher had given me a ride home, and neither of us said a word the entire time. He was probably thinking about how much of a freak I was for nearly crying in front of him over something as silly as a text message. Well, lack of a text message. When I finally got home after the awkwardly silent drive, neither of my parents were around to welcome me back. Since we had had such an early dinner, I was back around 5:30, so it was kind of odd that there was no one at the house. I just walked up to my bedroom and did my homework, and filled the next few hours with miscellaneous activities until it was late enough to go to bed. I never heard a sound from downstairs, so whether or not either of them came home last night was a mystery to me.

I woke up this morning without my stomach aching, and I figured it was because of the food I ate yesterday. I realize that some of the food would remain in my system, there was no way to get every bit out. Because of that, I would have to try to make today a fasting day. After brushing my teeth and everything I wandered over to the closet to pick out an outfit. I stared at the hoodies, sweatpants, and other uninteresting clothing and thought back to what I wore last night. Something that was way out of my comfort zone, exposing so many parts of myself that I loathed. It even caught Asher's attention, and even though he said I was beautiful, he had to have been lying. I certainly would never describe myself with that word, or even one remotely close.

What was happening with us? We seemed to be spending a lot of time together lately, despite how different we both are as people. He was confident and attractive while I was just some fat loser he met at his new school. And yet, I had already spent more time with him than I had with any other person at my school in all my life. I've never had a friend to turn to, a shoulder to cry on, or even an acquaintance to do homework with. I've gone through my whole life utterly and entirely alone.

Some of my older clothing that I used to wear was shoved in the corner of my closet, tucked away from the world. I picked up a pair of leggings and held them against my legs, which were now too thin to fit into them without looking strange. I grabbed a t-shirt and examined that too. It was an old graphic tee with a picture of batman on the front, probably around three years old. It could now be considered a baggy shirt on me, although it once fit me a little tight. I was losing weight faster than I thought I was. Whenever I took a look at myself in the mirror, it didn't seem like I was that much skinnier than I once was. How my old clothes fit on me makes that thought appear like a lie. Even so, I needed to keep going until I was at least ten pounds lighter than Lindsay is. As much as I wanted to say my diet was for my own pleasure, I really wanted to see everyone's faces when I walk through the front doors looking like a runway model. They would regret ever being mean to me, and soon everyone will want to be my friend.

I was feeling a little more confident today, so I decided on opting out of a hoodie and just throwing on a long sleeved shirt. It was a tiny bit more form fitting, but was still quite loose. I put on some sweatpants just so I had something that brought me comfort still on my body. I pinched the thin fabric on my shirt, realizing it was probably too cold to wear it. Figures when I'm finally feeling a little good about myself something stupid like the weather would get in my way. Just another sign that I wasn't ready for these things yet. I threw on a zip up jacket over my shirt, feeling instantly more secure without the tighter clothing. I really had to learn not to wear things like that just yet, I wasn't ready. What Asher said to me last night must be getting to my head.