in between all things

Chapter Forty-Seven

Macie told me Jace was in rehab, and while I was kind of upset he didn't tell me himself, I was proud of him. I was also glad he was starting to listen to me.

I felt content for the first time in along time, and sitting in front of Drew's grave made me feel loved. I looked to my mum who smiled at me softly. We had just come back from visiting my dad and Leyla.

"Mum are you okay?" I asked when I noticed her crying. I know it was a dumb question considering she was at the place her son was buried but it felt right to ask.

Mum smiled sadly and wiped her eyes. "I'm sorry Ash, it's just that I miss him so much. It's not fair what happened to him."

I nodded and wrapped my arms around her. She leant into me. "I miss him too mum."

We sat utterly still for a while.

Ten minutes later mum stood up and said she was going to be waiting in the car. I nodded and kissed her cheek.

Once mum was gone, I let myself cry over Drew. It had been so long since I've really cried about nothing other than Drew. "Fuck you Drew. Why'd you leave me?"

I didn't feel content anymore.

Sometime during my crying fit I remembered Drew's funeral and the story I told about Drew and I before I ran out of the church.

The priest starting speaking in his low monotone voice and there was no dry eye in the room.

"Andrew Sage was a kind, courageous and loving young man. His friends and family describe him as someone who always put other's needs before his own and therefore I welcome you all here to mourn the loss of Andrew." The priest said softly, smiling sadly at everyone in the church.

If Jace wasn't holding my hand I swear to god I would have fainted right then and there. It had been lonely during the days leading up to Drew's funeral. My mum was working more than ever and Jace would just cry on my shoulder.

"Your heart is beating really fast." Jace said in the church. I nodded, but kept my eyes forward. The realisation that we had really lost Drew had only kicked in last night, so I was still jittery from the coffee I had downed to stop the nightmares.

Was it normal to have nightmares wishing it was you that died and not someone who had so much to live for? Was it normal to hate yourself because if only Jace and I didn't get Drew mad maybe he wouldn't have walked on that road.

Maybe things would be different if only Jace, Drew and I had listened in health class that day. We knew drinking kills, but we didn't listen! God damn it.

"Now everyone I would like to invite Asher, Andrew's brother to come say a few words," The priest said. I blinked and breathed in deeply. I could do this. Right?

I got up slowly and made my way towards the microphone. Everyone was watching me. And I could see everyone, even the people Drew hated and vise versa. I took a deep breath and started to speak.

"Drew was my rock. He was always there for everyone, namely me. I remember a time when we were little when we were playing outside on the swing set and I tugged too hard on the plastic and broke it. I remember my mother coming outside and being really angry, but before she came outside, Drew turned to me and said "I'm making a pact with you Ashy; I'll always take the fall for you. I'm your broth—"

Slowly I took a deep breath in and spoke to Drew out loud, relaying the speech I could not finish years ago.

"You were my rock. You was always there for everyone, namely me. I remember a time when we were little when we were playing outside on the swing set and I tugged too hard on the plastic and broke it. I remember mum  coming outside and being really angry, but before she came outside, you turned to me and said 'I'm making a pact with you Ashy; I'll always take the fall for you. I'm your brother and you deserve to be the favourite'. Drew I was never the favourite, you were and I'm not mad about that. The reason I wasn't the favourite was because you took the fall for everybody not just me and you were the better looking twin. That's probably why you and Jace were banging when we were thirteen. Anyways people loved you, but you were a pushover."

I could just imagine Drew laughing, pushing me gently and telling me he wasn't fucking Jace.

"I miss you though and Jace misses you. Be with him while he's getting better."

Drew would tell me to be there for him too.

"And yes, I'll be there for him too brother. I love you. "

I carefully heaved myself up onto my feet and waved my brother goodbye.

"Until next time Andrew."

Walking back to the car, I was noticeably shaking and I could tell that mum saw that as soon as I got into the car.

"Ashy?"

I put my seatbelt on and rolled my eyes. "It's Ash mum." Secretly though, her calling me Ashy made me feel a bit better.

"I know it does honey."

"I thought I got that under control." I groaned, as mum starting driving away from the cemetery.

Mum grinned at me. "Don't try to change it babe. It's you and I love you for you. Quirks and all."