Despite It All

Chapter 4

"I'm sorry, what?"

Glasses clink and conversations float around us, hovering over our table like a protective barrier. My chopped salad has just arrived, sitting upon a plate that is comically large. My stomach rumbles—however—I can't decide if it's hunger or the current topic that is causing ripples in my gut. Sami sits across from me, elbows on the table, an untouched turkey club in front of her. One hand is clenching her Pilsner, her knuckles turning white. Luckily, the beer glass appears thick.

It has been four days since I happened upon Logan at the hospital, and I've never been more grateful for my three day work week. I have spent my time off catching up on household chores—my one bedroom apartment seems to turn to shambles on the days I work—and blissfully ignoring my problems.

Mature, I know.

"Yes, I saw Logan at work," my voice is reluctant, wary.

"Why? Did he stalk you? Don't you have to be on a visitor's list to even come upstairs from the lobby? You had to come downstairs to fetch me last time I brought you lunch there! What a creep!" Her cheeks are flushed and her eyes are set, determined.

Ah, there's my Sami. Dependable for a laugh, even when she's not trying.

I chuckle, "Actually, it would be much easier if that were the case. I can't explicitly tell you why he's there for privacy reasons, but he is there—on my unit—and will likely be spending a lot of time there. I also have reason to believe he's married. So..."

I trail off as my chest tightens. Isolating myself from the problem was supposed to make it easier to deal with, not harder. Damnit. I reach for my glass of wine, desperate for the liquid to soothe the ache in my throat while the alcohol numbs the ache in my heart.

It was only three dates. Why is this having such a severe impact on me? Because you allowed yourself to envision a future with him, Laur. Ugh. The future is promised to no one—a fact my job never lets me forget—and subsequently I shut down at the premise of picturing 'forever' with anyone. It's too painful, and I'm numb. I've been numb for years.

And Logan made me feel... excited. Happy. Expectant. Hopeful. Not numb.

His green eyes shone with hope as he implored me to open myself up to the idea of conversing with him that day in the hospital corridors. The dark green specks in his earthy irises revealed themselves as his pupils dilated, taking me in. His stare was so intense, hypnotizing. When I close my eyes, that's what I see. Not a man who is probably married, not a cheating man, not a man whose daughter was just diagnosed with cancer... just his eyes.

Stupid. So, so stupid. Shame washes over me.

"You're kidding," Sami's eyes soften, taking in my demeanor. "Babe I'm so sorry. Also, if he's there for the reason I think he's there, I'm sorry for him too. Even if he is a cheating man-whore."

I chuckle and honestly reply, "Me too."

"Do you know for certain he's married, though? Did you see a ring? Was he with someone?" Finally, she eats a french fry, and now I know I can help myself to her plate. A salad felt like the right decision at the time...

Her questions give me pause. I try to think back, try to envision his hand. All I can see is his tall, built frame. Broad shoulders and thick biceps lead to strong forearms and large hands. For the life of me, I can't picture a ring on any of his fingers—but that doesn't mean it isn't there. Or that he needs to be wearing a ring to be married.

I shrug, grabbing another french fry from Sami's plate. "I can't picture a ring, I don't know why I didn't think to look closely for one at the time. I think I was in too much shock. He was with someone, although they weren't necessarily close to one another. It was a difficult situation to read. He could be engaged... he wouldn't have a ring then. Either way, I felt awful. The idea of being 'the other woman' makes me nauseous and emotionally devastated."