Straight Girl

Every gay girl will tell you to never fall in love with a straight girl.

But how can you not if that girl is physically flawless, has dreamy eyes, deep purple hair, a badass attitude, and is just short enough to use as an armrest?

Every crush you get starts out the same. You panic about liking someone, get nervous around them, avoid eye contact as much as possible, and then spend every waking moment thinking about them. And because your brain hates you, you crush on your best friend of all people who is not only straight but is also dating a guy named Ben who happens to be king.

You think to yourself 'this will pass, you'll move on, and eventually start having normal crushes again'. Though for you, normal crushes mean a Starbucks barista who once told you your name was pretty. Before you know it, you have a caffeine addiction simply because you're trying to live out this fantasy of dating a coffee lady.

You wait a week for your feelings to subside.

Then another week.

Then a month.

Two months.

Three, four, six months.

And now you have a boyfriend, Doug, some dope who's too dumb to realize your bright blue hair is supposed to attract women. The real problem is this crush, though. Because you've been friends with her for so long, you're pretty touchy and cuddly. This, of course, doesn't bother you. Except, when you're hanging out with all your friends, you worry it's obvious you're favoring her warmth over your boyfriend's. But nobody seems to catch on.

You know every hand-hold, hug, cuddle, kiss on the cheek, compliment, 'I love you' means so much less to her than it does to you. Soon enough people begin to think you're wearing extra makeup because you're constantly blushing. Every second around her is paradise. Every time your brown eyes meet her green eyes, the world stops.

You just look at them for a moment. But it feels like forever. And you wish it was forever.

The boyfriend you sometimes forget you have kisses you and you feel close to nothing. No butterflies in your chest. You sneak a glance at her, and your heart melts.

One day, you agree to study in the library together with her and your two friends, Jay and Carlos. You can barely concentrate though, with her sitting right next to you. She smells like happiness (or what you imagine happiness smells like). It doesn't matter that you don't get any work done. You get straight A's. The highlight of your day is when she reaches to grab your hand out of excitement and you almost pass out.

In class, she sits right in front of you. Because she's short enough, you can easily catch a glimpse of whatever she's doodling. As much as you love her artistic side, you wish she'd doodle thoughts about you.

As these thoughts, hopes, and dreams continue to fill your head, time steadily moves along in your abnormally uneventful life. Your feelings linger rather than disappear suddenly and all at once like you hope they will.

Not looking to help your situation, she suggests you two have a sleepover together in your dorm room while all the boys are out for the weekend at a tourney tournament. After staying up late binge watching Netflix and eating strawberry ice cream (because the purple haired cutie insisted), you suggest going to sleep. It is only a Friday after all, and you won't risk destroying the sleep schedule you've spent months perfecting.

Like she's trying to tease you, the green eyed goddess changes right in front of you. Your heart throbs and your mind races like a jockey. You only see her back, thank god, because otherwise you probably would've died right then and there. Even though you feel a little bit like a creep, you take in every detail you can make out on her bra. It's a deep navy like your hair once was. The metal clasp in the back is gold. You're attracted to it like a bird lured in by a shiny object. You fiddle with your cuticles as you dream of the day your fingers will brush over the navy fabric that's calling to you. Suddenly you feel a little dirty and look away. You force yourself to remember you both have boyfriends.

Refusing to pull your eyes away from your lap as she changes her pants, she jokes about if you're going to wear your skirt to bed. A nervous chuckle falls from your mouth before you quickly grab some pajamas and change in the bathroom.

You come out into the room and notice the heavenly being before you is wearing sleep shorts that are so short you're sure they wouldn't fit the school dress code. Sleepily, you both fall into bed, facing each other. Again, you try to remember your boyfriend and that the girl laying before you is straight. She doesn't like you. She feels nothing.

Out of the blue, she makes an offer: spoon to save room. This seems like an obvious plan to you. There clearly isn't enough space for two people and spooning would be the practical thing to do. You think it just makes the most sense and it would be dumb to turn down a smart idea. She turns onto her other side and nuzzles her back into your chest. You're taller, you have to be the bigger spoon. Her hair smells like lavender. You close your eyes, breathe deeply, and exhale with desire. Without even thinking about it, you put your arm over her. A muffled giggle comes from her side of the bed as she reaches to hold your hand. Your heart leaps from your chest like a rabbit. Testing your limits, you stroke her smooth hand with your thumb. She squeezes your hand just slightly and a delicate 'Goodnight, E' is whispered.

A week passes and the sleepover is never spoken of. Actually, you begin to see less and less of 'Straight Girl'. You fear she may be avoiding you.

Eventually, you've had enough and ask her at lunch if she wants to see a movie tonight. She glances nervously at Ben sitting next to her who's horsing down a turkey and swiss sandwich. You never liked turkey. With a sigh, she agrees to go with you. You wonder if you went too far that night.

Being kind, you allow her to pick the movie once you're at the theater. She chooses some comedy you've never heard of. You offer to pay for the tickets, and she refuses to let you. You offer to pay for the snacks and, again, she refuses.

The movie doesn't much interest you. A nature documentary would've been significantly more entertaining. But you're just happy to be sitting with your crush. Part way through, she lifts the armrest that separates your conjoined chairs. Appearing to give in to herself, she snuggles closer to you. You can't help but smile. For the remainder of the movie, you and she are indivisible.

You finish sometime in the evening and walk outside the theater. She stops and turns to you. She says something about having a good time. You simply focus on the sparkles the moon forms in her eyes. The green irises are now filled with silver speckles. You admire every inch of her face, every dimple, every eyelash, every detail. You're sure you could draw it for memory by now.

You hear an 'I love you' and the tone feels different. The context feels different.

You can't tell if you dreamt it or not, but you repeat it aloud. Her cheeks are now painted with a light rose red.

As badly as you want to kiss her, you don't, because you know cheating is very wrong.

But the expression on her face

tells you

there will be one

very soon.