If Only...

WALKING ON EGG SHELLS

"Mommy! You're it!"

I am jolted out of our temporary dissociation into oblivion by Rosie's voice. And it feels like I have just been reborn. I react first, and push against his chest and he willingly drops his hands off of me. His scent wafts into my nose, and unleashes a whole new set of memories. They break through that wall I've been holding up, slowly . . .

How could I not have seen him coming!

I take a step away to look if it is Ian, but mainly to hide my red face.

Of course it isn't him.

"Hey, sorry, I . . ." He says, with a morose face.

"No, I wasn't looking. It's okay." I say, without meeting his eyes.

It was okay, right? I mean, it was just an accident.

Yeah, right. Just like everything else.

"Mommy! You're it! Put on the blindfold!"

I hear Rosie's friends hurl something similar at me. I look for a way out, when I gasp, at the darkening sky.

Holy cannolie. How long did we lock eyes for! I could swear I saw the sun just a few seconds ago!

Shaking it off, I look back to Rosie and her group.

"Hey, guys, it's getting dark. We should probably leave."

I get a depressing chorus of "Ohh!. . ." 's in reply.

"Oh, come on! You can play tomorrow, kiddos!" Lily says and they soon walk away with droopy faces. I smile at them, remembering Rosie when I told her it was nap time, and look up, when I see Stella and Lily with their arms crossed, grinning at Danny and I.

Danny and I.

"We're leaving." I say sharply, to them and to that annoying voice at the back of my head.

Shut up, you love me.

You wish.

I roll my eyes, as we head for the exit.

"Hey, Rosie, did you have fun?" Lily asks as we walk.

"Yes! Thank you so much! Can we came tomorrow too, mommy?"

I chuckle.

"Oh, sweetheart, it'll be already dark when we get home."

"Oh." She hangs her head and Lily whispers something in her ear, after which she lights up.

"When do you get home?" I hear his voice on my right.

"Uh. . . at around 6:00. I don't stay the dinner shift."

"So you're cooking all day." He smiles, his eyes crinkling around the corners.

"Yup." I look away.

"Exactly what you wished for."

I chuckle.

But that's not all I wished for.

"If it means anything, I. . . I'm proud of you, Alex. You achieved everything you've ever wanted to, all alone." he smiles again, but it is less cheerful this time. The remorse hasn't left.

"Well. Not everything."

He looks at me quizzically and we lock eyes again. We stare, into each other, when I finally shiver and look away.

God. I can't believe he can still do that to me. Back then, just looking into his eyes gave me chills. It was like he was. . . kissing me. Just with his eyes. I could feel so much of emotion . . .