The Problem With Davy

19 ❄

              t h e              p r o b l e m         w i t h          d a v y

                                19

I haven't moved from my bed in ten days. My school believes that I have caught a really nasty flu, my mom thinks I'm relapsing, my dad is worried that I won't ever be able to get over this one, and once again I just want to be left alone.

In other news, I found a new spot on the wall to scrutinize. It's the spot right above the window, where the most reflections of lights reside. The variations of colors and shapes calm me. I heard my mom's faint footsteps dash up the stairs. 9 steps this time. She was worried. She opened my door and poked her head through but my eyes were still staring at the pretty spot above my window.

"Today it's Nick." For the past ten days the freaks from Triple Tit Therapy have been stopping at my house hoping to get to talk to me. But I didn't want to talk. I didn't really want to do anything. I didn't really want to feel anything or be anything. I just wanted to stare at the pretty spot above my window. "Honey, please." The sad sigh was back in her voice and I wanted to rip my ears off. I had no strength to tell her to fuck off, but in a while, she closed the door and left me happily alone with the pretty spot above my window.

I heard a loud ruckus from downstairs, and out of shock, my weak body shot up. I heard my mom call my dad, and an unknown pair of feet slammed up the staircase so fast I couldn't' even count how many steps they took. My door quickly opened, and Nicotine stood there out of breath with a cigarette hanging from his lips.

"I don't really take no for an answer." He shrugged and closed the door behind him. He sat down on the chair at my desk and swirled around to take a look at my room. "You know we still don't know what happened that night. You and Dawson have been M.I.A and refuse to do anything about it. So, how about both of you babies grow up and go talk to each other instead of killing yourselves over something that can be easily solved huh?" Nicotine took a drag from his cigarette and blew it out near the window.

"I guess you haven't quit yet." I found myself whispering. Nicotine shot his head towards mine at the sound of my raspy voice. He shrugged and smiled as he inspected his cigarette.

"I'll quit when you and Dawson make up." He sent me a cheeky grin and I averted my eyes. "You know Eden, this is the shit that I hate." Nicotine stood up, his voice rising. "You and Dawson are obviously both fucking insane about each other and both of you are too much of stubborn assholes to say anything! Or, you guys just keep making excuses and end up fucking miserable! Who does that help? No one, right. So, get your ass up out of the bed and tell him how you feel. I bet you never had the fucking guts to tell ANYONE how you feel so why don't you try today." Nicotine huffed out a wave of smoke exaggeratedly.

"Cause he's leaving Nick. Everyone always leaves."

"So what do you think you're doing now?" My eyes snapped to Nicotine's and he gave me a smug look.

"I'm not running away." My voice sounded stronger than I intended it to be.

"Oh really? Stop playing the helpless sad girl, Eden. We both know you have the power to burn the whole fucking world down if you wanted to. Get out there and get what you fucking want." Nicotine stood up from the chair and took another drag from his cigarette. "That's all I have to say. I expect to see you soon, kid." Nicotine came over and gave me a quick kiss on my forehead before turning and leaving my room. I stared at the door for a while after he left, his words running through my mind. 

I don't leave people. I never left anyone in my life. People have always left me first. So why did I feel like what Nicotine said was true? I didn't want to push Dawson away, but I had to. I groaned loudly, tears filling my eyes as I pushed the palms of my hands into my eyes. I just wanted fucking answers. No more questions.

❄

I found myself again at Davy's tree. I sadly either end up here or the Wade's house. I hated how much I depended and loved that family. But once again, I hated that I was lying. I wrapped the large dark blue scarf tighter around my mouth and neck as I looked up through Davy's tree. 

I hated him for leaving. I hated him for loving me. I hated that he never told me. I hated that we never got a chance. I hated that he didn't let us have a chance. I always had Davy on my mind, he was my first love. But Dawson just came in and fucking ruined everything. And I fucking hated how Davy could tell Dawson would love me. Why did my whole life have to be in the hands of the Wade's? My hot tears clashed with the chilled wind and I dug my hands deeper into my coat pockets. I heard a dead twig break behind me and I spun around to see Dawson bundled up in his tan coat and grey gloves. His hair was slapping his face in the wind, but his eyes never left mine.

"I thought if I came here enough I'd find you one day." His voice found its way to me in the wind. I wanted to either yell, cry, or apologize to him. But all that I did was stare into the storms that were his eyes and watched the lightning flash in them. "Also Nicotine is pretty helpful." He showed me a small smile and I couldn't help but return the favor. "I can't imagine what you're going through right now. And I'm sorry I can't help you. But I don't regret anything, Eden. I'm so much in fucking love with you, and I'm sorry I'm not Davy, but I love you."

"I never wanted you to be Davy, Dawson. I just wanted you to stay. I wanted you to want to stay." My voice was barely audible, but I knew Dawson heard me. I saw it in his eyes.

"I want to stay, Eden. I fucking want you." Dawson's voice broke as he closed the gap between us, his lips crashing into mine. It hurt to have him so close, but I never wanted that feeling in my whole being to ever leave. I could taste the lightening in his being and hear the thunder burst through my ears as he pulled away. "But I have to go." Dawson's whispered and I felt the pain of his words like a slap in the face. I looked up into his eyes and saw I'm sorry laced between the flashes of lightning. "I have to leave for Washington." My eyes found the ground and tears escaped without my knowing. Dawson took my head in his hands and forced me to look at him. "I want you to come with me." I searched his face, looking for any flaw or lie, but there wasn't any. It was all there on his face. The truth. "I know you got into the City University of Seattle. Your mom told me when I tried to see you last week. Don't give me your answer. Just think about it okay. I know I'm asking a lot of you, but I understand if you can't come. Just know that if there is anyone I'd keep falling in love with every single fucking day, it'd be you Eden. It'll always be you." Dawson placed his lips on my forehead, and he lingered there as if this was our goodbye. My grip on his coat tightened and I didn't want him to go. I just wanted something to stay for once. He reluctantly let go and walked away from me, looking back once or twice to make sure I was still there.

When I saw Dawson walk away from me there was only one thing that I knew at that moment. That more than anything in my life I wanted to walk out of here with him. That's it. I wasn't going to be the fucking victim anymore. I was going to get what the fuck I wanted. And what I wanted was a 6ft thunderstorm with lightning for eyes. 

(a/n)

Man, still crazy to me I've just had this on my computer for years. The next chapter is the last one. I have yet to write it yet. I've been putting it off for about 9 years now. I've been working (starting and stopping) this story of mine for that long, and for me to find this weird closure - I am going to finish it. I don't know why it took me this long to finish it... maybe like Eden, I was afraid. But I am choosing not to be afraid anymore. 

Thank you for feeling my words all this time. Thank you for loving Davy with me. 

Thanks for all of it. 

x