Letters and Murmurs

Chapter Fifty-Two: Help

After the show that night I locked myself in my bunk with a blue notebook. I grabbed a random pen from the cabinet in the kitchen and went to work. I scribbled my words and feelings about being home on the paper to anyone who would be willing to listen.

To whom it may concern,

I was never the girl who was the best. I was for a long time the girl who struggled to find herself. I am still that girl just older. I don't believe I will ever stop being that girl. That girl with self-doubt and the need to be appreciated is still deep down inside of me. The girl who knows she is replaceable because she has heard it enough she is there too.

Visiting this place that is my home and meeting this new perfect family. It reminded me how perfection is only skin deep. On the inside, there is so much pain and suffering that we don't know anyone is going through. You can look at my social media and you would never know that I was slapped around from home to home. You would never know that every day I reinvent myself to try and lose that person. I will never lose that person. That person is forever me. That girl filled with anger and pain is me.

I have come to learn that my beauty is in my words and feelings. My pain is something no one will ever be able to compare to theirs or say 'I understand'. You will never understand my pain as it is something even I can't explain sometimes. It is part of this greater picture though that lead me to being here.

I am furious that you left me and made those poor decisions when I was a child. The ones that ended up forcing me to be in the place of pain. I know though that you protected me for a reason and that I was spared for a reason for protection. I was never meant to be the golden child or this idolized thing being able to walk out of that house. I don't know why I walked out of that house. It was supposed to be all of us and we were supposed to have this life that I am living now. You are supposed to be here. I will never understand why things had to end up this way but they did.

I will never understand the concept of love and the different ways we love. I love music and the way people say they relate to how I can play with such emotion and you call tell there is so much more to the keys. You can tell that there is this bigger imagine I am trying to release and while I go up there and I just play and watch my best friend up there in front of me or beside me, I can't help but feel jealous that my life had to end up this way. I am not envious of what she has but I am of the love she gets. She always gets to talk to people and be the voice for us. I guess I am jealous of the fact she is the voice for us because I have a voice. Even when I didn't 'have' a voice to call my own I had my words.

Words are all I have sometimes and they are the things I used as weapons. They wage wars in my mind and in my heart as I sit in this very bunk in a little right beside a venue that we just played. I can hear my best friends from my bunk getting drunk and while there is this part of me that wants to join them. There's this part of me that enjoys watching them and knowing they are in pain to and they can't grasp the concept of using something as an aid to feel numb. I can them cheering and the bottles cracking opening. I know everyone feels it in the morning but I wonder if I missed that part of my teenage years.

I think I missed out on a lot of things because I was angry at you for something I couldn't control. While I sit here still angry and upset I know that my decision was justified. I live at peace with the fact that I am not liked because I have an opinion and I know that I need to use it sometimes. I know I need to use my voice and I know it is going to hurt people. There are just some things I need to do alone and I guess sitting here in this bunk is the first step in doing that.

It is the first step in letting go completely of the past and just being at ease. I am not the role model child or adult. I feel like I have always tried to be someone else who isn't me. Who isn't this broken little girl who wanted nothing more than to know she was loved by someone endlessly and to not be hurt by knowing it was acceptable to love wholeheartedly.

That girl is ready to speak her truth and to say her words. She is ready to take the words she mutters to herself and push them out into this big scary world. She is ready for people to know what it is like to be her. She is ready to face her fears and to know that she just wants forgiveness for the things she is going to do.

She wants to let people know she understands them and hears them. She just wants others to recognize her for her. She wants to be recognized for being Logan Blake and not as the girl who survived or the girl who was adopted by a superstar.

She is that girl. She is me.

The curtain to my bunk was pulled back by a very intoxicated Jack. Jack climbed into the bunk with me and looked me in the eyes. His breathing was pretty average as it was all I could focus on. I looked into his big brown eyes and thought about the future which scared me. I wasn't really afraid because I knew there would be this net for me to fall into when I decided to jump. Jumping was the hard part though.

"Hey," Jack slurred as I looked at him pursing my lips together.

"I love you," He whispered and I looked at him with a squinting smile.

"I know," I replied back and licked my bottom lip as he leaned in closing his eyes.

I felt my eyelashes as my eyes shut. I leaned in and we kissed soft and sweet. Jack tasted like a cherry white claw and I smiled pulling away. Jack had this scent about him and this taste that was intoxicating. I didn't need to drink to be hung up on something. I watched him scoot out of my bunk and give a small wave before going back to where the party was.

I giggled softly to myself as the bus swayed side to side on the busy high way. Putting my head against the back wall of the bunk I smiled thinking about the words on the page in front of me. I looked over at my phone and pulled open Instagram. I clicked the picture of my hands pressed in concrete as a child and began to think of a caption.

'I will remember you till the day we die.'  I captioned the photo before pressing share.

I got up out of my bunk and my footsteps traveled into the party at the back of the bus. Alex had a bottle of wine out. Rian, Jack, and Ryleigh were drinking some kind of beer well various brands of beer. Zack had some fireball he was drinking as I looked around at my group of friends. I grabbed a red cup from the stack of solo cups we had. I walked over to the cabinet and grabbed a random 2 liter out of the cabinet and filled my glass swaying side to side to the random song in my head. Jack placed either of his hands on my hips as I leaned back into him and stuck my tongue out causing him to leave a sloppy kiss on my cheek.

I looked at the group around me and tried to find the courage in my words that I had earlier but I couldn't. I felt Jack's erratic heartbeat against my back as I leaned against his body. I letup a deep breath as I think Rian who was probably the soberest person looked at me with a knowing smile. I nodded my head and just sat down holding my cup of dark soda. I couldn't tell them they are my friends.

To bad secrets don't make friends.