Chapter Fifty-Three: Open

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Everyone woke up slightly hungover. I sat in the kitchenette staring at everyone as they took Advil and chugged down water before moving on to find food. I sat in my seat looking at everyone as the passed by eating my dry cereal.

"Why is she-" Zack said point at me as I raised an eyebrow at him.

"She doesn't like soggy cereal. It was worse when we were kids. Logan would get a cup of cereal and a cup of milk and sprinkle her cereal in then would hurry to eat it so none of the pieces were soggy." Ryleigh said and I drank some of Rian's cold brew that was left in the fridge.

"That is just wrong in so many ways," Alex spoke out while pouring himself some cereal and I glared at him.

I got up and went back to my bunk with my cup of cold brew. I sat in my bunk and pulled out the notebook. I flipped past the first page and looked at picked up my pencil this time. I began to doodle flowers up the spine of the book. I grabbed my phone and began to play some soft music as all the feelings rose to the surface.

Dear Person,

I don't know to whom, I am writing these letters or I am writing them subconsciously to let go of something. I don't know maybe I am just crazy. I guess today is just one of those rough days. As I stare past every fading town I can't help but feel some connection to each place. My free spirit feels trapped but content with the fast past back and forth from town to town. I know that I may not be blessed to have this ability one day and to take them as they come.

I guess my words are not sufficing for the numb feeling I am feeling. I feel numb not in the sense that everything is okay but like you are missing something. You can't place your finger on it but you just don't feel like you are fulfilling and bigger purpose or goal.

My goal was to always make it out alive and since then I have been searching for a new one. I thought about finish college. Getting my degree and doing something completely different than music because while I am good at it and I do love and enjoy it. I don't think I could stay in this path forever. I love music more than anything but there are so many logistics to music. I just want to put out what I like and what I like to make.

I have wonderful friends and a wonderful boyfriend. To which all of them are hungover right now from their crazy antics last night. I mean I have a slight headache, not from drinking but I think from the lack of sleep. Long car rides used to always put me to sleep but this is like a never-ending car ride with loud people. It doesn't matter how many times you tell them you want to sleep there is no silence like the silence of being home.

I can't wait to go home and hug mom. I can't wait to go home and just lay in my own bed. I think that day is the day I will be looking forward to it. Right now I am dreading it because that means Alex will probably go back to Baltimore for a while. Zack will be heading back to Hawaii while Rian splits his time between California and Tennessee. Ryleigh will be there for me but it won't be the same as when we are all together. I am also afraid that Ryleigh may move to Hawaii with Zack. I don't know maybe I guess my fear is with everyone moving on but me.

I am happy if they are happy but it feels like this is the beginning of the end of everything that I worked on fixing. I know it won't be because there are so many other tour dates coming up throughout the year where I will see them or events where I may see a few of them. I know Jack is staying in California. I just there is part of me that wants to run away far far away from everything and just be free again.

There is this part of me that wonders if I wasn't adopted if I would still be out on the street doing what I could to survive. Running away in the night that subtle high of a cold night. I think that astronomers had it right we ware all just stuck with our heads lost in the clouds.

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