Chapter Twenty

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She was pulling away from him a little bit more each day. Kelly wasn't blind to it, could see it happening before his eyes but he was oblivious as to what he was supposed to do about it. He wasn't sure what had happened. He was still staying with her, she came to the firehouse with him when he was on shift and hid out in his office, he drove her to her appointments with Dr Charles but even with all this time they were spending together... he couldn't shake the feeling that her head was somewhere else entirely.

Any attempt to ask her what was going on, how she was feeling or how things were going with Dr Charles was met with a swift change of subject or more recently complete silence. It was beginning to drive him insane.

That was how Shay had found him, hiding in the locker room. Amber was sitting at the desk in his office working on something, or at least he was guessing from the frown on her face given that she wasn't speaking to him today, and he didn't trust himself not to take it out on his squad. It was safer just to hide from everyone.

"Come on then, out with it," Shay ordered, sitting herself down on the bench beside him.

He looked at her blankly. "Out with what?" 

"Whatever it is that's got you hiding in here," she looked at him expectantly. "Don't you try and lie to me Kelly Severide, we both know that I'm right."

She was right, they both knew that. She knew him almost better than he knew himself and there was no hiding anything from her. "It's fine, Shay." He sighed.

"Look, either you tell me what's going on or I'm going to go ask Amber," Shay announced, moving to stand up.

He grabbed her wrist and pulled her back to sit beside him, giving her a warning look. "No, don't do that."

"Then use your words, Severide." She looked at him, waiting for him to brush it off with some stupid joke like he always did, but instead his face crumpled.

"She's pushing me away... I don't know what to do." He mumbled.

"She's right down the hall, Kelly. Go and talk to her."

"What do you think I've been trying to do for weeks?" He sighed. "I'm running out of ideas, Shay. We've been living together for weeks and she just doesn't speak to me beyond asking me what I want for dinner and what time we need to leave. Then she just comes in here and hides in my office doing whatever it is she's been doing for work and then we leave again.."

Shay was quiet for a moment. "Will you let me talk to her?" They both knew that she wasn't asking and she was going to do it regardless of what he said.

"Be nice, Shay. She's not doing it on purpose." He sighed.

"I'm not saying she is, but I can't keep watching you pull yourself apart over this. You can't keep doing this to yourself."

"Do you think it's always going to be like this?" He asked quietly. "He's just there, hanging over us both the whole time."

Shay squeezed his shoulder gently, standing up again. "I don't know, Kelly. I don't know."

****

Amber looked up as the door to Kelly's office opened, a soft knock on the glass as it did, and saw Shay standing there.  She was surprised. She'd been coming into work with Kelly for a while now and no one had really acknowledged she was there. She liked it that way.

"Can I come in?" Shay asked, already walking down and sitting on the end of Kelly's bed. 

"I guess so." Amber shrugged, waiting for Shay to get whatever it was off her chest. She'd clearly come in there with something to say.

"How are things?" Shay asked tentatively, not sure what the best way to approach this was now she was sitting in front of Amber.

"I knew he'd tell you eventually." Amber sighed, surprised he'd even managed to last this long without telling Shay.

"He didn't tell me anything," Shay quickly defended Kelly. He hadn't, even though she could see he'd wanted to several times, and the last thing she wanted to do was convince Amber that she couldn't trust Kelly. That was the opposite of what she was trying to do. 

"Then what do you want, Shay?" Amber sighed, closing her laptop and turning the chair around so she was facing her.

"I came to ask you what's going on," Shay said simply. "Because Kelly's out there looking like he's got the weight of the world on his shoulders and you're in here hiding from everyone and that's not normal."

"Dr Charles won't sign me off to go back to work and I guess him and Kelly don't trust me enough to leave me home alone," Amber muttered. "So here I am..."

Shay tried to keep her face neutral at the mention of Dr Charles, clearly, there was a lot going on that Kelly hadn't told her. "You don't have to hide out in here... no one out there is going to think any less of you, no matter what's happened."

Amber raised an eyebrow at her. "I know that I think... I just don't feel like sitting around making conversation with people."

"Even Kelly?" Shay asked.

Amber was quiet for a moment, her bottom lip trembling as she fought back tears. "I don't know what to say to him."

"I'm not sure ignoring him is the way to go, he's worried."

"It's not fair on him," Amber sighed, running her fingers through her hair.

"Let's not do that, he loves you and he'll be here for you no matter what it is, but you have to let him in."

"I've been doing all this talking... with Dr Charles and I thought it was supposed to make me feel better but it's just so exhausting... going over it all again and again. I don't want to keep reliving it. I just want to feel like me again. I want to go back to work and to be happy with Kelly without feeling like Jack is there hanging over me the whole time."

Shay smiled at her. "And that's what you need to tell Kelly, he'll understand and then maybe he'll stop worrying so much."

"I guess," Amber nodded, although she didn't look convinced.

"Come on," Shay got up and held out a hand to Amber.

"Where are we going?"

"You're going to come and get some food and listen to Herman complain with the rest of us." Shay declared.

No one batted an eyelid as Shay dragged her into the kitchen and got her a plate of food. As she walked back to the table she met Kelly's eye and smiled at him, hoping he'd understand her silent apology. He returned the smile, his hand coming to rest on her leg as she sat down beside him. It was a small step, but it was progress, and he was happy with that.




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