Loving Lakyn | ✓

[20] Beyond Repair

L O V I N G
L A K Y N

IF I THOUGHT today was bad before, it is officially terrible now. Hale, Lakyn, Blaire and I were all at Melrose's for our weekly catch up on a Tuesday after a long and dreadful day.

After the events of yesterday, I was left in a complete and utter state of shock. So much seemed to happen that day from Lakyn to Eden to Arden, it was like everything was getting worse and worse every hour proceeded. It was like when a wave sweeps you under and you try to come up for air but as soon as you do, another one pulls you under yet again.

I couldn't breathe, I feel like every breath that exits my lips is restrained and leaves me dying for the next one, it was not enough. I was scared and anxious.

After Arden had stopped me in the hall after Hale left I almost fainted. He told my father and he was not bluffing either. I know that because I received a call from my father stating that he needed to speak to me as soon as he gets home from work, which thankfully gave an extra day, but I have been worrying non-stop.

I know that as soon as I walk through my front door, all hell will break loose and I am dreading it. 

At times like these, I wish I was not so alone. I wish I had a significant other or a mother, someone I love and trust to be there for me without me having to ask. I have Hale, but he cannot always be there, despite me wanting him to. I suppose what I am saying is; I want to be saved sometimes, I want to be protected, but I do not want to ask.

I wish that someone could just be there without me asking. I hate asking, it makes me feel weak.

"Hey," Hale's soft voice pulled me out of my thoughts, "are you still thinking about your dad?"

I discretely eyed Blaire whom sat across from me next to Lakyn, before my eyes diverted to him as well, when seeing that neither of them were paying attention, I nodded.

"I'm sure he'll get over it," he said reassuringly, "I mean, you're practically perfect, right?" he suggested, "you cannot punish perfection."

Oh, how I wish that were true. But unfortunately, perfection is often more punished than the flawed. You can spend an eternity living life rule by rule, looking and being as close to perfection as possible and in the end. . .it will never be enough. I will never be enough. Never skinny enough, never smart enough or pretty enough. Nothing about me is enough and it is killing me more and more every day because all I am good at is pretending.

I pretend that my reflection does not disgust me. I pretend that I do not have every living breathing cell in my body. I pretend that I am not some psychotic with daddy and mommy issues. I pretend that the way that I live is okay, but it is not.

Lakyn is right. I am broken. So damn broken. I am in so many pieces, shattered everywhere. Like that plate my father threw one night when he got angry, the porcelain colliding with the wall and then suddenly, the expensive dishware is broken, shattered on the tile. You could try to retrieve those big pieces and glue them together, but there are still too many little pieces of which cannot be retrieved again, though small, the plate can never be whole again without them.

Every day I lose more and more of those small pieces. Eventually I will be left with nothing but a few larger pieces of myself, but that is of no use, you cannot put something back together without all of the supplies.

I am beyond repair. 

But the good thing about plates is they are easily replaceable. You throw it in the trash, where it now belongs and you purchase a new one. Good as new.