Despite It All

Chapter 21

"Well, at least Logan got to see your hot ass in that outfit," Sami points out.

I roll my eyes and switch her to speakerphone so I can finish folding laundry, "Not helpful, Sami. I feel so, so awful."

She sighs, "I'm sorry babe. Can we try to look at this objectively?"

My silence does nothing but encourage her. She continues, "Okay, so. He pushed you away after he received devastating news about his daughter. Unfortunate, but... understandable, right? I mean, he was hurting pretty badly and probably lashed out. Regardless, I'm proud of you for chasing after him. Proved that you cared about his feelings. And I can understand why he'd be frustrated by you seemingly exiting his life and then trying to re-enter it when he's in distress."

"Care," I interject. "Not cared. Care. As in the present. I still care."

"I know you do. And babe... so does he."

I close my eyes, absorbing her words. I want to believe her so badly.

"I'm just not sure anymore, Sami. He hurt me."

"And you hurt him. You think it didn't hurt him when you basically implied he was making the wrong choice by leaving the hospital last night? Can you imagine the guilt he probably already felt for doing so? It really wasn't your place to say something to that effect, Laur. It sounds like things sort of escalated from there."

I sigh, knowing she's making a point.

I've had the entire day to dwell on our conversation—argument, really—and I've dissected every single thing each of us said countless times. It could have gone so differently.

It should have gone differently.

Pain and stress were clearly shown on Logan's face. He had a scare in relation to his most meaningful thing—his daughter—and yet he was still able to re-prioritize his actions and determine what was most important at the time. First, make sure Mia was safe and okay. Then, make sure he was taken care of, then make sure I got home okay.

I can't help but feel like being part of his top three is all I could ever ask for. I mean... I essentially left him because I wanted him to gain his footing in all this and figure out how to prioritize his life. Then, he goes out and does just that and then I try to make him question it, as if I know any better.

"I just didn't appreciate some of the things he said to me, Sami," my voice trembles slightly.

"I know, and you're totally right. A lot of it was not cool. But—and just playing devil's advocate here—maybe it was spurred on by emotions that revolve around his insecurities with you?"

Her words hit me hard, stirring up more pain from within.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean... you've told him you can't be with him. That's one. You're basically dangled in front of him at every opportunity at work, showing off your hot nurse, angel status while interacting with his sick daughter—that's two. Then, you show up to help him looking like sex on heels, obviously out having a great time when he's at home alone and scared shitless—that's three. Then, when he is leaving the emergency room and ready to take you home and maybe try to thank you for your selflessness, he finds you happily chatting with a cute doctor—that's four. Then, when all he wants to do is take you home, you guilt him for his choice. That's five," Sami's voice is tender and slow, purposefully reinforcing each important point.

Each word feels like a dagger to my heart. Guilt settles heavily upon me, and I know deep down that even though some of the things he said weren't fair, ultimately, he is hurting and unsure about where he stands with me. The look on his face as I left... was devastating. He needs someone so badly, and I walked away.