Letters and Murmurs

Chapter Fifty-Seven: Off

I sat up in my room waiting for his knock. Alex knocked on my door before walking in. I laid on my bed with my head over the side and stared at my door. Alex came in and sat on my bed and patted my thigh. I looked over at him and held back the tears. It seemed to be the only thing I was good at anymore, crying.

"What happened," Alex asked and the tears began to flow freely down my cheeks.

"Fucking, I don't know anymore it's like ever since I got this stupid bear it's like," I gasped for air as Alex put a hand on my shoulder and grabbed my hand in his.

"Hey, hey, it's okay. It's okay Lo," Alex said and rubbed my shoulder.

"Nothing fucking feels okay. Like I got this stupid bear and there was a picture in it. When we went to their graves. Fuck, I'm insane."

"You aren't insane."

"It's like I am still there. Like he is still here. Like, I can go outside and run around barefoot. I remember us planting sunflower seeds together and then my brother deciding yellow was his favorite color. I also remember just everything. I don't want to remember anymore," I said shakily really letting Alex in.

"It's okay to not want to remember that part of your life," Alex said and then threw himself onto my bed.

"It never feels okay," I muttered.

"How are you and Jack-O?" Alex asked changing the topic and I shrugged.

"Oh come on don't give me that shit. I know Jack well enough to know something has to be going on between the two of you because he has been awkwardly silent. So what's going on between you and man-child," Alex said laughing lightly.

"We just are fighting I feel like all the time. I scare him. I know he is upset with me like I didn't try hard enough to keep clean or to keep the baby. It's like everything is my fault or somewhat and while I feel that way I know it's not. I know it's not from therapy and it's like no amount of sad fucking apology letters I write to you, Jack, Tommy, fucking everyone, it doesn't make it hurt less," I said and threw my arms in the air as Alex grabbed me and pulled me into a hug.

"It isn't supposed to. It's not your fault it isn't Jack's fault it is just one of those really shitty things that happen sometimes. I am going to ask something and you can't be offended at me for this."

I nodded my head into his chest. It was my signal I understood and I was sort of okay with the understanding that Alex was just making suggestions.

"What would happen if you and Jack broke up? Would you be okay?" Alex said and rubbed his hand on my arm.

"I guess I would have to figure out how to be sort of like how it was with Tobias," I said and looked at the ceiling.

"Jack isn't Tobias, Logan," Alex sounded a little annoyed and hurt with my comment.

"I know he isn't Tobias. No one is going to replace Tobias but, god I wish I could explain it. Tobias was the first crack in a wall and everything just flooded down and everyone rushed in knowing someone was in the shell but it's how do you try and rebuild constantly as people rush in and rush out. Beckett, my parents, Ryleigh and Merrick. Like, I don't want to keep trying to throw bricks at nothing anymore," I shrugged and moved away from Alex and got off my bed.

"Do you want to go see Jack right now? Because I'd place good money on him being drunk and just laying around his apartment."

I shrugged as Alex threw himself back on the bed and sighed heavily. Before getting up and throwing a hoodie at me and a pair of shoes. I slipped them on my feet and the hoodie on my torso. I followed Alex as he shouted to Brendon where we were going. I followed Alex to his car as he sped down the freeway to Jack's.

"Barakat open the fuck up!" Alex pounded his fits on the door before Jack opened it and saw us standing there.

"Oh, it's you two."

Alex shoved his way and the once clean apartment now smelt of alcohol. I looked at the now trashed desk in his office and all the empty bottles around his place. I saw the frame he had that held a letter in it. It appeared to be a cheap frame but it held the first letter I wrote to him. I looked at the broken glass in the frame as Jack came behind me. His breath smelt like one of the bottles he had drunk. I looked at his eyes as his eyes were trying to settle on mine. Jack put his hands on my waist and pulled me in.

"I'm sorry for being a bad boyfriend," He slurred out against my head as I smiled softly and game a nod in response.

"I haven't really done this or like this with anyone. I'm scared of growing up anymore I like how everything is right now and then I wanted something else once you, we, found out and... it's like right now I want that still but I want this in-between of there and now," Jack said softly and slurred and I couldn't tell what was real and what was a lie to make me feel better.

"I wanted a life with you. Where alcohol isn't a fear and where I have a best friend all the time. Someone who makes me happy all the time and not that fake happiness but the one where you can hold their hand and know that you are loved," I spoke bitterly inhaling deeply what would probably be the last time I ever came over here.

"Please stay and just sleep in with me tomorrow?" Jack said and I nodded slowly.

I saw his droopy eyes and I waved Alex off as I walked Jack towards his room. Jack wrapped a hand around my waist again and pulled me down toward him. He kissed me gently and it was almost as it was an apology kiss. I kissed him back just as soft and broken. I couldn't tell him the plans I had going through my head. But I knew I had letters for that.

I woke up the next morning to Jack's normal alarm clock getting up and throwing my clothes on as he snored softly. I turned the alarm clock off and texted Alex off his phone I was leaving to head back home.

"I am so sorry I gotta do this alone," I whispered and kissed Jack's earlobe.

I left the letter on the only clean place I could find. I taped the second one to a mirror and then the final one to the door. I then walked down the street and placed the other stack of letters in a collection box for mail. I took a deep breath before heading home to grab my backpack. I kissed dad's head and waved at mom before shutting the door and walking down the steps. I walked down the street pulling at the straps of my backpack. I was going to do this Alone. But, according to my head, I was always alone in the stars. Now I was really alone.

What good is it if we are always truly alone in our heads? What good is it to wish on stars if we have to create our own reality?