Loving Lakyn | ✓

[24] Friends

L O V I N G
L A K Y N

MY LINE OF vision was blurry, clouded with tears as I sobbed, heaving loudly as I sprinted to the edge, I climbed onto the ledge, wiping my tears as I looked at the ground far down below me. Thirty stories. I would fall for seven seconds or less then that would be it. Everything would be over in the blink of an eye.

I would not hurt anymore. I would not feel this depression, this pain spreading through me like a disease, anymore. It would stop once and for all.

Everything would stop.

My toes slipped off the edge and I was just one push forward away.

Everything bad that has ever happened to me seemed to flash before my eyes; my mother going to rehab multiple times, the several times I found her unconscious, all the times I hurt people to attempt to take away some of my pain, all the times Arden said terrible—but true—things about me, the time that my father locked me in the basement, everything Blaire and Lakyn have ever said, what Arden almost did.

Slut. Whore. Pathetic slut. Fat. Not good enough. Not skinny enough. Not pretty enough. Nothing but a good body. Boring. Unlovable. Worthless. Ugly. Insecure. A disappointment.

Those are all names I have been called by the people closest to me. I do not know if that means I am just a disgusting human or if the people around me are.

It did not matter, though, because it was all true. I am just a pathetic human that goes through life hurting others because I simply cannot handle the fact that I am in so much consistent pain and not a single person notices. I hurt people because I cannot handle this dark empty hole inside of me, so I try to pass it on to other people but it never works, it is always there and I feel like each day I am dying more and more.

I never meant to become a victimizer, when I myself am a victim, but it happened because I grew up with zero guidance, no one to look up to and my only decent parental figure could not even stick around for my seventh birthday without the ambulance having to show up, so I spent my afternoon eating hospital food instead of birthday cake.

I have no good memories, I see no future. I just can't, I can't. It hurts so bad, everything is so overwhelming right now.

It hurts because I know that I deserve all of this. This is all karma because I made mistakes that hurt everyone around me and I am probably the same reason that my mother lives in a rehab facility, I am probably the reason my father is so heartless too because I walk around every day like a human bulldozer and I run over them.

If I do this right now, I can end this terrible story titled My Life. I have no one to say goodbye too because I am sure that everyone is completely aware that I am not meant for this world and it would be better off without me.

I sighed, closing my eyes and a gush of wind blew through my hair and in that split second between being alive and ending it all, I felt okay. The world finally ceased to silence, my head ceased to silence and the constant demons in my head left me alone because, after seventeen years of ignoring it, they were happy that they could go back to hell finally.

Everything just went so quiet.

Just do it, you wuss.

Three, two and—

"Wait!" Eden shouted, grabbing onto my wrist and I shrieked as she pulled me off the ledge.

I balled my fists as anger shot through me like a bullet, "What the hell is wrong with you?" I seethed, fire boiling beneath my skin.

Eden let me go before taking a step back, "Were you about to. . .jump?" she asked and I remained silent.

If I said yes then she would give me a whole pity speech and if I said no then she will know that I am lying because she just caught me in the act and then she will go on about it even more.