Rud and the Damsel

Chapter 18 - An Angry Little Boy

Rud had many chores to do. Having been gone all the previous day had put him behind where he should be on his daily tasks. Patience wanted his and Billy's help, though, and with Rud still feeling the warmth from waking up with her in his arms, Patience would get whatever she wanted.

Billy and Rud pulled the cart down by the creek and, one by one, took out all the pots, pans, and other kitchen items. Rud and Billy used sand from the creek to scrub the metal pots, and once they were bright and shiny, Patience would finish with a good cleaning with soap.

Rud could tell Patience was happy. He knew it was at least in part from this morning, but he could tell she was very pleased with all her kitchen wares too. Once they had everything cleaned, Patience asked if shelves could be built to hold them. Rud and Billy spent the rest of the day building shelves. Once everything was put away, Patience smiled and said, "Now I have a proper kitchen."

Nighttime came, and Rud wondered if Patience would join him on the tattered old rug again. By the time he came back to the cabin, Patience was already in bed asleep. Back down on the tattered old rug, Rud felt cold and alone. Before Patience, and especially last night, he only knew alone.

These last few months with Patience, he had feelings again. He had fallen in love with her. But alone on this old rug, he could feel the walls wanting to come up again. He thought of a boy in his old village who had been badly hurt when a horse kicked him in the head. They said he would never be older in the mind than he was the day the horse kicked him. Rud felt sorry for the boy whose body kept growing, but his mind didn't.

Maybe it was the same with him. Seeing his family die and being alone was like being kicked in the head, and he would never be more than a scared, angry little boy in a man's body. The things he did those first years had even surprised him. The men he killed when rescuing Patience and Billy were not the first, there had been so many. Rud just knew he wanted to feel Patience in his arms and feel like she was his again.

* * * * *

Patience woke and rolled over. She expected to see Rud on the floor, but the tattered old rug was empty. Her eyes darted around the cabin, but he was not there. She got up, dressed, and walked to the stove to get the fire going. She had cooked the night before, and the remnants of yesterday's coals were enough to cause the small slivers of wood to ignite.

By the time she had all the breakfast ingredients ready, the stove was hot enough to do the job. But something was not right. Rud had always been there when she woke. Patience kept looking for the door to open and for her big man to walk in, but the door remained as still as the stones in the walls.

Rud had come a long way since he had rescued her and her brother, from trusting no one to letting her in, but not completely. There was something in Rud forcing him to keep his guard up at all times. She knew he loved her, needed her, and wanted her, but there was something else. Fear maybe? Rud, afraid, that seemed impossible, but Patience knew something was holding him back.

Patience had meant it when she told him she could not have survived what had happened to her without his help. Not just the attack but the living after the attack. After seeing his family murdered, Rud survived for seven years on his own. An eleven-year-old boy, forced to be alone in a new place, constantly worrying he would be found and killed. That Rud had survived at all seemed impossible. He may have survived, but he was not really living.

After the visit to Bessie's, she had sensed him withdrawing back into a world where there was only survival. She had manipulated his emotions to bring him back, and it had worked. She had been pleased with the power she had over him. She thought she was clever. But maybe she was not experienced enough to wield that power wisely. Sometimes she forgot she was just sixteen years old and, before coming to the valley, had very little interaction with boys.

Now she was a woman living with and in love with a man who was complex and perhaps more damaged than she was. Maybe she had done more damage, and maybe he would never come back through that door. She wanted desperately to hold him right now but couldn't. For the first time since the morning after the attack, Patience began to cry.

Billy was up as usual once the smell of breakfast cooking invaded his dreams. He asked where Rud was. Patience suddenly sobbed and then caught herself before replying that she did not know. Billy knew she had been crying. She was still crying but trying hard not to show it.

Living in this cabin with his sister and Rud, Billy had matured a great deal in a very short time. Billy did not understand what was going on with his sister most of the time and had long since decided to leave it alone. Billy went out to milk the goats and collect any eggs the hens had laid. He saw a candle burning in the blacksmith shed and guessed Rud had gotten an early start.

Rud had woken early and left the cabin as quietly as he could. He had slept very little with so much on his mind and decided to get an early start on the day. Rud had done none of his work the last two days with the trip to Bessie's and helping Patience with the pots and pans.

But the truth was he needed some time alone to think without Patience just feet away. Cutting and hand-sewing leather into sheaths for the trade knives he had made was an almost mindless task. It was easy to get lost in his thoughts as he worked.